Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[ first day as surgeon ]

me: and now we let the anesthesia set in

patient: do i get some too

I was wondering what was poking my stomach and it was a potato chip I had with my lunch that fell down my shirt. Damn we even took a nap together.

“Stop slapping your brother’s forehead with that bacon.”

——‘What are things I never thought I’d need to say today’ for $100, Alex

Doctor: “Why is my waiting room empty?”
Judge: “I hauled everyone off to court”
Doctor: “You’re trying my patients”

If you really think about it, extraordinary isn’t that great. It’s just an extra helping of ordinary.

sex is great & all.. but have you ever successfully poured liquid from one cup into another WITHOUT spilling it?

[interview]
BOSS: Any special skills?
ME: Skills?
BOSS: Like strengths
ME: Oh right. I’d say my vocabulary
BOSS: Hm…
ME: That means words

Anytime I am searching the stock room at work and a coworker asks “Looking for something?” I jump out of my skin, and its not from them sneaking up on me, it’s b/c that’s what villains says when they have something you need, or they’ve caught you trying to escape their evil lair

*replies to every political email asking for money with my own email asking for money*

Selfies are just sad reminders that you have no friends willing to take pictures of your face and cleavage.

Do you think I can get a new ringtone on this ankle monitor?

The more we travel into the mountains the more little critters I see. A rabbit will run across the road, then a squirrel, then a crab. What?

This isn’t fat this is a stockpile. I’m doomsday prepping.

*throws goods on conveyor belt*

Cashier: is that all sir?

Me:”Nope. You got change for a trophy?”

Why would I want a memory pillow? Sleep is where I go to forget.

[1st date]

“My birthday is on April 20th, so 4/20. Isn’t that cool? When’s yours?”

Oh, umm *sweating* Sextember 69th

“I found my charger!!”

– a love story

Scientist: You left the cage open and 349 frogs escaped.
Me: I guess I FROGOT 🙂
Scientist: *rubbing bridge of nose* They were poisonous.

Just once I’d like to run into Kanye and refer to him as Kanye Davidson just to see his head explode.

Me: *has cold*

Internet remedies:
-feed it
-deep breaths
-stay active
-fast
-don’t breathe
-suspend yourself in mid air
-click like and subscribe

Me: I’m sorry but visiting hours are over

Her: This is our bedroom

Me: You’ll have to come back tomorrow

Used to tell my kids that I had underwear older than them but now that the kids are 21 and 24, I’ve stopped. Also, to be fair, they’re not much more than waistbands now.

My back has gone out more than I have this year.

I’m not getting fatter. I’m increasing my content.

Foreigner: I want to know what love is.

Me: And I want to know why people do weird things like put butter on banana bread.

When I was a kid, I swore I would never grow up to be a grumpy old man and today I got mad at a hat for being orange

I bought a Mr. Microphone at a garage sale. Now I’m driving around yelling at bad drivers.
Best 25¢ I’ve ever spent.

me in high school: oh my god I missed two hairs on my legs, I am an abomination

me today: the bug spray has lemongrass and peppermint in it so it doubles as perfume

Thinking about writing my own eulogy because I don’t want my loved ones saying I’m a control freak.

Me: Did u get a haircut

Dad’s brain:

don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it

Dad: No I got ’em all cut