home depot ceo: [incredibly high] let’s sell the largest skeletons
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I’m scared. I have this weird stabby pain in my chest and it really hurts and..Dorito. It was a Dorito in my bra.
son: dad, can I watch the lord of the rings movies?
dad: sure, I’ll join you.
son: should we watch them back to back?
dad: no side by side probably works better.
horse: [driving in a car past people in a field] PEOPLE!
Genie: “You have 3 wishes.”
Ian: “I wish for everyone to be equal.”
Genie: “Okay. You have no wishes.”
person: want to hold our baby?
me: why
I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it. Well maybe not to the death, I have this thing on Wednesday. But I’ll give an accurate description of your assailant to the police. Over the phone. I’m not leaving a name.
It feels like the right time to invest in the guillotine industry.
Interviewer: [looking through file] Are you still disruptive at nap time?
Me: Wow, they weren’t kidding about that permanent record thing.
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth…
Then it’s a soap opera!
No LinkedIn, I am not “open to work,” I am required to work
Quick, while the British people are sleeping:
Raise your hand if you make tea by microwaving hot water
My husband referred to one of my freckles as an age spot. Details to come on a candlelight vigil held in his honor.
[scrolling netflix]
Me: definitely not a movie, that’s too much time
Also me: *watches 5 episodes of Better Call Saul*
I stab myself a little bit every day to slowly build up an immunity to being stabbed to death.
Sneaking alcohol into work is pretty easy if you put it in your stomach first.
Great news my neighbor just pedaled by on a road bike wearing spandex and when I waved at him he made finger guns so I’m no longer the least cool neighbor on my street!
“We’re not so different, you and I,” Mitt Romney said to a stack of white printer paper.
when I die, mix my ashes with the potato salad at the wake. I want people to mourn my passing twice
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, but they stay for the intelligent discourse about Benghazi
Husband and I were blissfully happy for 25 years.
Then we met.
Straight women in lesbian bars think everyone wants them when we’re really just staring because we can’t figure out whose ex you are.
Me: can’t I have to go see my therapist
Them: you’ve got to stop calling your bed that
I hate handshakes. The bones really mess up the blender and the knuckles are hard to swallow.
[Snail Court]
Snail Lawyer: Permission to approach the bench, Your Honor?
Snail Judge: I’m sorry; we don’t have that kind of time.
Me: have a good day make good choices!
My kid: no promises!
I’m not sure what my husband is planning on doing for me on Mother’s Day but I hope it’s laundry.
[first day in hell]
Satan: WELCOME TO ETERNAL HELLFIRE!
Me: ugh, thank god, my feet are freezing
Satan: HAHAH- what?
Me: *cuddling under a burning blanket* so cozy
Satan: wait, where did you get the hot cocoa?
Making spaghetti for dinner tonight, so I’ll only have enough for about 37 of you guys if you decide to come over… make your reservations quickly
Me: [print]
Printer: You’re low on ink
Me: What? I just bought ink
P: You’re low on magenta
Me: I want to print in black
P: You need magenta
Me: wtf I just need black & black is full
P: magennnnta
Me: [buys and installs $30 magenta cartridge]
Me: [print]
P: So, about your cyan