home depot ceo: [incredibly high] let’s sell the largest skeletons
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Priest: for what have you come to ask forgiveness, my dear?
Me: my student loans
Priest: [to god] can…can she do that?
My dog’s dinner: premium organic grain-free no salt or sugar GM free 80% meat 20% veg
My dinner: Haribo
Remember when we wished we could read people’s minds? Social media has shown just how shitty that power is.
You people that are getting laid regularly either need to keep that stuff to yourselves or be more descriptive.
when people say “I have two awesome kids” I always wonder how many they have total
[at symphony concert]
*marimba part begins*
Me: *takes out iPhone* Hello?
Enjoying a few cups of coffee at my enormous kitchen island while being scrutinized by my two friends, one of whom has a torso that is physically inside the island
My favorite farside!!
My five year old keeps asking about our plans “over the holidays.” By “the holidays” she’s referring to her birthday next month.
Walked into the kitchen and saw my wife laughing while putting a banana in the garbage disposal so I think I’ll sleep in the other room.
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
I guess if Porky Pig wants to flash someone, he just takes off his bowtie?
Kind of miss the days when one of the biggest things we as a nation disagreed on was Coke vs. Pepsi.
Boy: do u have any fantasies
Me: ok.. so.. the library of alexandria is under siege& Im a librarian whos good at fighting& I save the books
when someone asks me my body count do they mean like ted bundy or stormy daniels.
I hit a parked car today so naturally I left a note. It said “Die, Decepticons! Die!”
Apparently banging the hell out of this remote doesn’t seem to be recharging these dead batteries.
Santa is always broke after Christmas.
That’s why he’s called St. Nickel-Less.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
The so called genius at the Apple Store mentioned he has a girlfriend; thus, his geek credibility is compromised & I don’t trust his advice.
i balance snacking with exercise by placing a bowl of chips on the roomba and following it around the house
If my 6 year old tells me someone was “mean to him” I never know if they stole his bike or tried to cook him a healthy meal.
Hormones: hey what’s up?
Me: just reading a book.
Hormones: LET’S GET ANGRY.
Me: wait no—
Hormones: AND CRY.
My girlfriend broke up with me. I am devastated. How could you. I did everything. I surprised you with burgers every night
When I said I like it rough.. I meant sex, not the entire relationship.
the pandemic has hit the spaghetti labor market especially hard
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
4yo: Bagel
Me: *makes it
4yo: Tricked you! I wanted toast
Me: Nice trick. Now, eat your bagel
Small dog owners: My dog chewed on my favorite pair of shoes.
Big dog owners: Yesterday my dog ate a couch.
We got a dusting of snow here in Michigan. Or as people south of Ohio refer to it: “Death Blizzard 2017.”
Calling someone unconventionally attractive is so funny like yeah you’re kind of busted but I can bravely see the beauty in you due to my Open Mind