[home depot guy going through my list] these are all the things from the game Mouse Trap
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Friendship: because I’ve said many dumb things & you acted like they were TED talks
Saw some turkeys and immediately thought of you.
it sucks that the 2020 election’s approach of both candidates offering us competing stimulus checks has vanished. please bring that back. please bribe us with money.
Interviewer: Have you worked in a fertility clinic before?
Me: No
[nervous because it’s my 1st interview]
Me: But I used to be an embryo
Celebrating christmas in another country, santa leaves a chicken cutlet in my boot. “Is that good?” No one will make eye contact with me.
Dating is easy. You just *goes into fetal position*
Someone stole my identity. And then sent it back with $100 and a note that said “So sorry man. Hope things work out.”
Nurse: *handing me a newborn* You got this?
Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac ‘n’ cheese
her: take off my bra
me: ok
her: take off my panties
me: wow ok
her: stop wearing my clothes
Person: “I have a friend in a wheelchair, do you know him?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have a friend who’s stupid, do you know him?”
North Korea banned the use of sarcasm towards the government; I wouldn’t last an hour before they executed me.
Wonder Woman is in theaters June 2nd. But if you want a sneak preview, watch Sally Yates’ performance in front of the Senate.
My girlfriend’s daughter was laying across my legs.
Me: What am I a pillow now?
Her: Yep, and pillows don’t talk.
I think we’re bonding.
At this stage in my life, I’m chasing a fly in the apartment with my pants around my ankles. All of my decisions in life led to this moment.
date: what are you thinking about
me: fall should be spelled fa//
date:
me:
date: fell should be spelled fe_ _
*we kiss*
Taurus: You have a big life choice to make so watch endless YouTube videos instead of thinking about it.
Much like lasagna, I’m just held together by cheese at this point
I hate it when I’m trying to discreetly pick a wedgie in public and inadvertently end up doing every dance routine from Spice World.
Had to get a new washer dryer (17 yrs! Thanks Maytag) and the guys installing it asked “you didn’t make this your wife’s Christmas present right?”
“No”
“Cause the guy at the last house did and that was a bad scene man”
I knew Puff Diddy was a bad guy the minute I heard all the bad swear words in his songs
If society ever starts using cat puke as currency, I’m set.
Being the tallest person at work, leads me to believe they hired me because they were short staffed.
Please stop saying, “not all heroes wear capes.” It is hurting business and times are very hard here at the cape factory lately.
Actually, not all of the creatures from Jurassic Park were from the Jurassic period. Jeff Goldblum, for example. He’s from now.
Rethinking this whole Mastodon thing
There’s a woman at the bar who is cheering the debate at unpredictable intervals and I was completely unable to figure out her politics until we realized she’s playing bingo
Boxing and fencing
Two sports that have nothing to do with boxes or fences
It’s okay bowel syndrome, I am irritable too.
every four years, people report on fencing, and every four years, they say the weapons are sharp. they’re not sharp dude. everyone would die. first place would get a gold medal and second through last place would get buried