[home depot guy going through my list] these are all the things from the game Mouse Trap
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[parking lot in the 80’s]
*man appears to be having a heart attack*
MY GRANDMA: calm down everyone, i know VCR
ME: that’s great, grandma. now he can record the shows he’s missing when he’s dead
Memo means idiot in Spanish. So yeah, I’ve written plenty of memoirs.
All these years, i thought Ricky Martin was singing, chicken bonbon, chicken bonbon
Me: I should eat fewer carbs this year
The Universe: Your house is made of gingerbread now.
Mmmm. Shoeshi
Recent evidence indicates that Earth is indeed bi-polar, as we’ve always suspected.
I tried to be mean once. Worst two minutes of my life.
Contrary to what you might have heard, running away solves absolutely everything.
Crime and Punishment is my favourite novel about family vacations.
[wearing World’s Best Dad shirt]
Wife: whys there blood on your shirt?
Me: its not my blood
Guy bleeding out in the yard: its not your shirt
When I was pregnant and people would ask where I was registered I’d reply:
Pet Smart, we’re crate training this one
Why is my phone always out of memory, I grumble to myself as I sit here deleting 500 pictures of my kid’s big toe
When I die, please scatter my ashes over my iPhone, computer and TV, because I want to be left to my own devices.
Why are you wearing that outfit again?
Me: Because I paid for it and I have a washing machine
My kids: We’re bored!
Me (thinking about when I sharpened a whole box (50?) of yellow pencils with my grandmother’s bolted to the desk, metal, pencil sharpener): Hm. That’s a you problem.
“Have a seat”
*Turns on video of son eating pizza with a fork and knife.*
“Dad I…” **Dad puts up hand* “Please don’t call me that.”
My anxiety is so bad I keep thinking that I forgot to shut the garage door and I don’t even have a garage.
6km run followed by a blueberry muffin for breakfast… life is all about balance people! 😆
her: psssssssst
me: ?
her: psssssssssssssssssssssst
me: ???
her: psssssssssssssssssssssssssssstGOD DAMN IT, MY BLOW UP DOLL HAS A PUNCTURE
That second remote is only useful for that one button on it which you push to switch from the first remote to the third remote.
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
2yo’s favorite cartoon is teaching him about centrifugal force.
When I was little, my favorite cartoon taught me never to order from Acme.
[Me as a Realtor]
BUYERS: this is a great house, what’s the catch?
ME: Well, it is a bit.. [cant think of the word haunted] ghost encrusted
On Sunday
Him: Wanna go out Saturday?Me: that’s my shower day.
I can pencil you in for Friday though.Him: no thanks
Even my cats are sick of the snow..They meow to go out..I open the door..and they freeze and look at me like “WHY is this shit still here?”
11: dad I have a confession
me: oh boy. What.
11: last night before you said it was bedtime I made a plate of nachos and put them under my bed. Then I ate them after bed time
me: 😂 how did you get your brother not to tattle?
9: I paid him off in nachos
what does awkward people do, when they run out of bad jokes? get som new ones
Tbh I don’t even wanna know what they did
Dancing Prime Minister
Dancing Chancellor of the Exchequer
Dancing Lord Privy Seal
-ABBA explores dance vis-a-vis constitutional monarchies