[home depot guy going through my list] these are all the things from the game Mouse Trap
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Me: How many chicken nuggets do you want tonight?
7yo: 100
Me: As a guide, you usually have 4-6
7yo (thinking): 30
*Robber runs into Chipotle*
GIMME THE MONEY IN THE REGISTER
“Is this for here or to go?”
Uh. To go
“Do you want guac?”
Sure
“It’s extra”
girlfriend: [seductively] is there anything new you’d like to try in bed
me: maybe spaghetti but I’d probably make a mess
LITTLE BO PEEP: I’ve lost my sheep! I can’t remember where to find them!
DOCTOR: Sounds like Lambnesia
I’m trying to convince this guy that ‘jesus is the reason for the season’ but loansharks have a different perspective
I cried when my dentist told me I needed two implants and a crown because I can finally realize my dream of being a sexy princess.
What idiot called it “Fox News” and not “white whine”?
When people tell me “You’re gonna regret that in the morning” I sleep in til noon, because I’m a problem Solver
Cop: license and registration
Me: that won’t be necessary officer
*places a glazed donut in his pocket
Your fancy knocking pattern isn’t going to entice me into answering the door, either.
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: Have you considered just letting a homeless man sleep on your couch, instead?
If you excel at something, people love it until they don’t. But you won’t know when that will be until after you take out a mortgage.
*steps away from meeting to send my sister a puking emoji*
6:57pm: I am conducting an experiment — I’m going to pet my dog continuously and see if he ever gets tired of it
4:09am, June 14, 2029: no
Spoiler alert: Doctor Strange could not become a Sorcerer Supreme until he learned to like sour cream.
I’m trying to explain myself less often because:
*two hour explanation of why I won’t be explaining myself anymore*
And that’s why I’m gonna be explaining myself less often.
My wife tried on my cargo shorts and now they have fake pockets.
Noah had a younger brother called Rick who just built a speedboat and saved 9 cheetahs
You know when two cops park their cars facing opposite directions so they can talk to each other through their driver-side windows? That’s called a 6-9-1-1.
My dogs have learned that whenever they hear the f-word in the kitchen, there’s now food on the floor.
[Concert finishes]
Me: *taking a bow*
Violinist: Hey, give that back
It’s amazing how one freaking mouse can make you clean the entire damn house.
Wife: [eats hotdog, spills mustard & relish on her blouse]
Me: HELLO TEMPTRESS
Her: You’ve been quiet.
Him: Thank you.
Is there a term for when you unlock your car but you get caught talking to a coworker in the parking lot and the car re-locks itself before you open the door but when you park at home and forget to lock it it stays unlocked?
I rented this bobcat to help me dig up my new pool but he won’t even hold the shovel. He’s just eating all the neighborhood squirrels.
Hubs says when I drink I’m “too loud” and use too many “big words.”
WELL I’M SORRY IF MY VOCIFEROUS GRANDILOQUENCE BOTHERS YOU!!
Just used the holiday card with your kid’s face on it to scoop up a dog turd in the living room.
IDGAF if you’re black, white, yellow, brown or blue.
Well, I do if you’re blue, I’ll stop and give you CPR if you’re blue.