Home Depot is having their “ultimate tool event” in case anyone wants to buy my cousin Tyler.
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In today’s installment of “getting absolutely wrecked by my child” I present her commentary on dinner:
“You did the best you could.”
Young Cat: so the trick is to meow loudly whenever I want something
Older Cat: (smoking cigarette and gazing off into the sunrise) kid, the trick is to meow loudly for no reason at all
Who called it a volcanic eruption and not a lavalanche?
Aaaaaand…send.
They’re called violin bows not fiddle sticks.
BOOGEYMAN: lauraaaaa…wake up I’m gonna EAT YOU
ME: [wakes up] finally
BOOGEYMAN: what?
ME: let’s do this
BOOGEYMAN: it’s not fun if you want it
ME: look buddy either eat me or get out i have to be up in an hour
BOOGEYMAN: s..sorry [leaves]
Emotions? No thanks. I’m trying to cut down.
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
Adulthood is when sleeping in is an acceptable birthday present.
(before ceiling fans were invented)
*People getting their legs cut off by floor fans*
Narrator: There has to be a better way…
Wait…you said JAZZ hands? Oh god. I totally misheard you. Please get me a towel.
I like slipping notes into suggestion boxes saying things like “send for help, i’m stuck in this suggestion box”
when it’s the weekend and you stupidly thought you might actually get to sleep in
Just been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants.
Feefiphobia.
my cousin went to pride years ago and threw up on someone on a ferris wheel- fast forward 10 years, him and his husband were talking about pride and his husband told him a story about when he was thrown up on at pride- my cousin threw up on his husband 5 years before they met
A girl on TikTok just said she is wearing her aunts vintage top from the early 2000’s and I’m dead.
Whoa 😂
I’ve just had to let my trousers out.
They wanted to go for a walk and I couldn’t be bothered.
Playdates were invented to force parents to clean their home
[at bedtime]
5 yo: Leave the door open.
Me: Will that keep you awake?
5 yo: It needs to be open so the shadow people can leave.
Me: [never sleeps again]
5 ants rented an apartment with 5 other ants.
Now they are tenants together.
Per Wikipedia, there are two kinds of scorpions. One can sting and kill you like a spider, the other can sing and rock you like a hurricane
ENGLAND: people are CROSSING OUR BORDERS for ECONOMIC ADVANCEMENT!!!
THE ENTIRE GODDAMNED WORLD FROM LIKE 1583 to 1997: u don’t say
Anytime I need to leave my name for a server to yell out later when my order is ready I always say it’s “Marco”.
911: What’s you’re emergency?
ME: You mean “your”?
911: OK. So..?
ME: Someone’s murdering me
911: You mean “murdered”
ME:..
911: [dial tone]
Whenever the weather guy on tv says morning sunshine, I always say “and good morning to you too sweetie!”
Pizza: You should totally eat all of me. Like, all by yourself.
Me: What? No way.
Pizza: Why not?
Me: That’s a really good point.
Sorry, I left in a separate car when you suggested a romantic drive.
Husband: …
Driving along the expressway and a truck with an open tailgate just bounced a cooler into the lane ahead of me and I didn’t even panic all those years of Mario Kart finally paid off
No babe, they’re not short jorts, they’re junderwear.
Seven nuclear reactors just for this 😭
