Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I can’t watch porn with a storyline cause I get too invested and end up worrying about the delivery man losing his job for taking so long 🙁

Friendly parenting reminder – as the weather starts to get nicer, don’t forget to close the windows before you yell at your kids.

If Bats in Australia are THIS big, I’d hate to see the size of their Vampires

I’m Asian, but not wears a kimono, eats dogs, owns a bonsai tree, knows how to use chopsticks, waxes on waxes off, good at the math, Asian.

British people react to the @BBC posting baseball content on twitter… 😭

Hey fitness people, it’s great that I know what all of your gym bathrooms look like.

Why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the power puff girls did in 11 minutes

This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.

A haunted house but for your spouse and lurking behind every corner is a larger and larger Amazon box.

Sometimes I feel like I’m cheating on my recliner with my loveseat, in case you were wondering how emotionally invested I am in laziness.

Him: Don’t get your panties in a bunch.

Me: It’s called a bulk pack, Todd. That’s how Costco sells them.

Whenever I see someone at a restaurant eating all alone I always think the same thing, “lucky”

I don’t know what to do

I surprised a raccoon in my garage this morning, and now he’s telling his friends he made a human run into a wall.

This message is invisible.
Only people who suffer from
lack of sex can read this.

I hate double standards. Burn a body at a crematorium, you’re “being a respectful friend.”

Do it at home and you’re “destroying evidence.”

My Dad turns off his cell phone when he’s home because, “I have a phone at home, why waist the battery?”

Love you Dad

I want more people to join bluesky before I accidentally follow too many journalists

Okay this nightmare isn’t going to realize itself

Optometrist: Any questions about laser eye surgery?

Me: How big of lasers will my eyes shoot?

Him:

Me:

Him: How much money do you have?

On Sunday’s I Iike to dress as Satan & stand outside of churches, yelling at the parishioners that it’s not working & I own their soul.

If I could turn water into wine I’d have twelve disciples and a multitude of followers too

2:10 – perfect popcorn
2:13 – firefighters on scene

“There are enough donuts here to last a lifetime!” thought Jerome, his nose twitching with excitement. Three hours later, he found himself sprawled on his back in a shallow puddle of milk at the bottom of the bowl, staring at the ceiling, feeling overwhelmed by shame and regret.

Didn’t realize how much I drank over the holiday. The Urgent Care doc wants to put my liver in a walking cast.

What is a good name for a nun in Heaven?

If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.

The answer is “Nun of the Above”.

ME: {strips naked and stands on scales} Great! Looks like I’ve lost a few pounds.

STORE MANAGER: Sorry sir, but these scales are for fresh produce only.

I’m bout to start telling people “land your plane” when they’re talking in circles..

2020: omg we’re entering hell
2021: ok so how do we make hell cozy

Me: can you make sure this diamond ring is in the bottom of her drink? I want it to be a really special moment

McDonald’s employee: ok