Home Depot specializes in how can we confuse and overwhelm someone who just needs a lightbulb.
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My 6yo just told me that because I need music to get motivated that makes me ‘radioactive’
me: can we go to the steakhouse?
him: stop calling the barn that. you’re making the cows nervous
Man you get spotted dumping one rolled-up tarp into a swamp and all anyone ever wants to talk about is your “cloud of suspicion”
At night
Me: wow I finally found the best sleeping position!
My body: we need to pee.
Nailed it! #Tekken #King #cosplay
Doing some research on the Fresh Prince of Belair. Does anybody know where he was born and raised and where he spent most of his days?
Mind: I still feel like a 20 year old…
Body: LOL.
If you are gonna do conspiracy theories go big or go home.
I want to go back in time and find pre-kid me who thinks she is “so busy” and “so tired.” And I want to smack her.
A man threatened legal action when he discovered that instead of a staff member ordering him in Candyman: the horror film, they ordered in the CD single of Candy Man by Christina Aguilera
I buy a lot of ringtones for someone who hasn’t answered a phone call since 2008.
“YES, BACON TOTALLY CAUSES CANCER!” – pigs
I delete my mistakes so now my kids live in constant fear.
Can’t even watch a YouTube video these days without someone in an ad reminding you you’re poor
*Clicks video* next thing “HI THERE, HAHA, I MADE $200,000 LAST QUARTER, WHAT DID YOU MAKE?”
Bad decisions, now get out my guy, make I watch 10 types of Jollof in peace
notice
Today I was seated next to lovely, glowing, first-time pregnant woman, who looked me in the face and told me her child will be a mellow introvert. I let her have the moment.
Arkansas is just Kansas for pirates.
Remember: You can kill someone and wear their skin as a suit, but it’s not identity theft until you use their debit card. Be smart about it.
A big shout out to my mother who can’t hear me otherwise.
I know I couldn’t handle being in a position of power because when I’m the banker in Monopoly I steal money
Nobody ever mentions one of the greatest joys of being a parent is mocking your kids in an annoying voice, repeating what they whined about
Britney Spears’ Slave 4 U is trending on Christmas Eve just like it did that magical night in Bethlehem thousands of years ago. God bless everyone.
wife *comes running out of the bedroom* Kill it! Kill it!
me *runs in*
wife: Did you get it!?
me [has no idea wtf she’s talking about] Yep
me: I had to sell my car to make rent this month
therapist: how does that make you feel
me: pretty tired I walk a lot
I love traveling with my husband because it gives us an opportunity to bicker in new and exotic locations.
[First day of class at law school]
*raises hand*
Hi, yes. When do we get our white, curly wigs?
Son #1: Who’s your favorite kid?
Me: It doesn’t matter.
Son #2: Yeah, but who’s your favorite?
Me: Your Mom is my favorite, and I’d bury you both alive on her say-so. Remember that.
I love you, but you’re not stepping foot into my home with even a speck of glitter.
*son wants to go to water park*
*bring him to water park*
*starts raining*
*he starts crying..because he’s getting wet*this is why I drink
While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂❤️
