Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

7yo: Did you drink coffee before we were born?
Me: Yes
7yo: Did you eat pancakes?
Me: Yes
7yo: What didn’t you do?
Me: Talk while peeing.

My cat just sniffed my right eye & licked his lips. When I die alone in my house, he’ll probably eat that eyeball first.

Judge: how do you plead?
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: hot milky
L: *bangs head on desk* FFS just lock him up

“Honey, have you seen the baby? I haven’t seen the baby since I asked you to throw out the bath wat–OH DEAR GOD!!” – birth of an expression

My lunch consisted of taste-testing 30 opened bags of chips in the pantry for freshness.

Me: Goodnight moon
Moon: night.
Me: What?
Moon: nothing. It’s fine.
Me: You’re acting distant
Moon: I’m 238,900 miles away

I was going to fake my own death but I didn’t want to have to start a new Twitter account from scratch.

[my head is bleeding]
HIM: Have u seen a doctor???
ME: Buddy, I’ve seen several. Let me tell u about a little show called Grey’s Anatomy…

It’s been a week with no gluten and minimal sugar, I’ve lost hearing in my left foot.

[United]
This is your captain speaking. Underneath each of your seats is a broadsword. In the words of Highlander, there can be only one.

My wife and kids are away so it’s just me in the house and I was just awoken at 1:45 a.m. by the Alexa in the other room saying, “Sorry, I didn’t catch that.”

Her:[watching sunset]”Best date ever! Nothing can ruin this mo..”

*crunching sounds*

Me:[eating live Monarch butterflies out of a ziplock]

Me: Wow that is spicy. Wooo! *fanning mouth* What is it called?

Her: Sparkling water.

I’m having trouble perfecting my dating profile

My husband isn’t helping with the wording as much as I’d hoped

I’ve got 11 lava lamps and every time a girl comes back to my place, she leaves almost immediately. I need more. 14 lava lamps.

Years ago, scientists knew barely anything about space! It was probably because those scientists were babies

If a cop tazed me and then yelled “Raiden Wins!”… I would instantly lose all animosity towards him.

BAKER: Baking is a science that requires precision, timing, and accurate measurements. OK… 11, 12, 13. Anyway, here’s a dozen cupcakes.

*visits random websites just for the cookies*

A vegan walks into a bar and doesn’t say anything because the person who has never seen star wars is going on about never seeing star wars.

I don’t get people who stay virgins until after marriage. Its like buying a car without having sex with it first

Anyone know a Minecraft interpreter? I don’t understand my son’s Christmas list.

*Librarian walks in* You know what’s great kids? You don’t need wifi to read a book!

*Kids boo*
*Someone in the crowd yells “NERD”*

H: where did you move after your divorce?

Me: On.
I moved on.

How do you pay an electrician? You wire them the money.

worst online experience has gotta be finding a reddit post that outlines your exact symptoms and every comment is like “you should go to the hospital” and someone says “any update OP?” but the OP hasnt posted in 5 years

[roommate watching me after my gf leaves] just tell her. she probably loves hair
[me taking off bald cap] im in too deep now

I have never heard an armadillo before.

woke up in the middle of the night to write this down

For lunch today, I think I will have a blistering hot bowl of ice cold soup. Thanks microwave.