[Home Depot staff meeting]
BOSS: Someone has been breaking all the wood. Any idea who it is?
ME: [tightening my green karate belt] Probably someone pretty strong.
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GOD: Eyelashes
ANGEL: What do they do?
GOD: Protect eyes
ANGEL: And?
GOD: Get into people’s eyes. It’s extremely painful.
ANGEL: Are you ok?
me and the Superbowl rn
‘They’ll be searching for days!’ I giggle as I leave ‘sorry bout the damage notes’ on random cars at the Costco
spent the day in the woods trying to distract the deer hunters. shocked at the things I’d do just to save a few bucks
6yo granddaughter: wonder how far this will go
Twists doll head til it snaps off
Screeches “mom!!!”
Me: you’d make a rotten serial killer
“Shark infested waters”….you mean their home?
wife: Did you get the cat out of the tree?
me [bleeding] Wasn’t a cat
Auto correct is like when a 3yo kid wants to help wash the car.its a nice gesture but really its just slowing shit down! 🙂
Mistakes married men make:
1. Doing things.
2. Not doing things.
3. Thinking about doing things.
4. Not thinking about doing things.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of relaxing during weeknights we can go to seven practices and relearn algebra.
If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times: “I can’t keep track of how often I say things.”
“This is the worst karaoke bar I’ve ever been in!”
– me whenever my wife sings while driving.
My mother-in-law makes me feel like a champion race car driver…by grabbing onto the door handle and screaming the entire drive
Having a loose stool means two completely different things depending on if you are a nurse or a bartender.
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned
Dad: [sighing as he reviews my math homework] it’s sined and you should’ve used tangent
Sex with me is like a roller coaster. There’s lots of screaming and sometimes people fly out and die.
ORANGUTAN ADOPTS THREE TIGER BABIES
Me: Table for 1.
Host: Just 1?
Me: Yes. Can you enunciate “just” a little harder?
[Planning Rustic Vacation]
Me: Should we rent a cabin or a cottage?
Her: What’s the difference?
M: Well, cottages are usually home to witches who eat children; cabins usually contain partying teens who get murdered by a psychopath.
H: I meant in price.
why have kids when i already have a voice in my head constantly talking me into buying things i can’t afford
And another thing. People just want to eat a banana without ridicule. They need the potassium. What do you people have against potassium?
marriage tip: if your wife says she gained weight on vacation and you find out you lost weight – no you did not. in fact, you gained more than her plus you now have diabetes and need an oxygen tank. got it? ok good talk.
my boss was like “people working from home are just pretending to work” and it’s like, dude, what do you think i’m doing in the office?
Too many toilets have automatically flushed underneath me for me not to have reservations about self-driving cars
Realtor: It’s a four-story building.
Me: Nice!
Realtor (quietly): AllFourOfTheStoriesAreAboutPeopleWhoDiedHere
Me: What?
Realtor: It’s cozy
I was thrilled when this beautiful girl came up and asked me for a date.
Then I realised it was just because I work at a dried fruit stand.
The prince in Cinderella wasted 0 time suggesting he inspect the feet of every woman in his kingdom
It still pisses me off that teachers gave us shit about paying attention and then had to take attendance to see if one of their kids was missing