Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

getting a divorce to pursue my true passion: collecting alimony

[summons a demon]
demon: oh crap jury duty

You know the saying “if at first you don’t succeed, try, try again”? Yeah, that doesn’t work when vacuuming up a pancake.

Coworker: Wow, you look great! How’d you lose weight so quickly?

Me, without emergency loaves of bread stuffed in my clothes because it was raining when I left for work and I don’t like soggy bread: No bread

I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target today and, long story short, I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.

“I came in to pick up a book I’d placed on hold and it’s not here anymore!”
“Sorry about that — when did we notify you that the book was here?”
“I don’t know, a few months ago. How long are you supposed to hold things, anyway?”
“Well, definitely less than ‘permanently forever.’”

I used to tell customers that Chilean wine was good because the country is geographically so narrow, the vines have to be grown in single file, giving maximum exposure to the sunlight

There really should be more social media sites that pit our closest friends against each other to make our top 8.

‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who don’t know me

‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who know me

@funTweeters I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers

Husband: what’s on your mind babe
Me: that someone made up dinosaur sounds without actually hearing them
Husband:

Turns out my get rich painfully slow scheme isn’t working out either.

Sorry, there’s a technical problem preventing me from RTing your tweets. Technically they’re not funny.

George Clooney and Brad Pitt fall in love and rob casinos together.

#ExplainAFilmPlotBadly

I don’t know why the principal, the teachers & my daughter are freaking out. I would have loved to have a beer in my lunch when I was 12.

I refused to buy 9yo a polished stone at the store to go with the rocks she found on the way into the store, and let’s just say our relationship is a little rocky right now.

I really just spent $40 on a costume for my dog so I can win a work pet costume contest for a $10 coffee gift card.

Do I regret it? Nope. Karen from accounting and her cat are going down

I hate it when my Wife says that we need to talk.

It’s always “What’s wrong with you?” and never about sports, beer or bikini models.

If all the good ones are taken and you are single, what does that make you?

I’d forgo the grocery store, but I’ve seen the way my kids look at me when they’re hungry. Self-preservation is highly motivating.

You deserve someone who’ll chase you with a chainsaw.

Who says Republicans aren’t into recycling?
Mitt Romney’s thinking of running for President, again.

when u have no idea what ur doing but u don’t let that stop u

Every day has been Fat Tuesday since quarantine started.

If there’s something strange. In your neighborhood.

My husband pissed me off so when he wasn’t looking I poured water on the floor in front of the dishwasher. He’s been fixing it for the past 2 hours.

me whenever anyone asks about my job: yeah i absolutely love hospitality! every day you get the chance to make someone’s day and it’s incredibly rewarding 🙂

me 0.5 seconds into a shift: they should invent a slur for customers

I shot a man in Reno just to watch him dry

(I used a water pistol)

If you slept with my husband I’d be like “OMG how much do I owe you?”