Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me, looking at Met Gala outfits: But how do they go to the bathroom in that?

You know what has zero calories and zero carbs? A nap.

Took a poop without my phone. Had no idea what to do with my hands. Did the Macarena. What a day.

[first day as therapist]

patient: i’m in a weird place

me: *petting goat* but it’s cheap

Friend: Have you seen a cockatoo?

Me: I’ve seen more than two.

Some days I think I’m brilliant.
Other days I ask myself if there’s a “u” in forty.

I don’t know who needs to see this but don’t ever answer your phone on your way home from work. They want you to stop at the store.

Date: Are you winking or blinking?

Cyclops: I do not know.

My husband thinks I’ve been on my phone checking the weather for the last 3500 hours

The lottery gives you about a 1 in 200 million chance you won’t be going to work tomorrow. Alcohol will give you a 1 in 5. #PowerballFever

Reminder to any new followers…Ancestry.com is NOT a dating site…lesson learned…like 4 times.

[physicist excited about a misprinted real estate flyer]

“Honey, check this out! Four mathrooms!”

There are only a few more shopping days left until your loved ones find out how little you understand them.

[At the car dealership]

Me: See, this has everything I want, right here

Salesman: Sir, our soda machine is not for sale

wife: hey…HEY

me: *takes out earbuds*

wife: would you like to see your newborn son for the first time?

me: *puts earbuds back in*

My wife agreed to a water birth, so I’m setting up a slip’n slide in the front yard right now. I’m gonna wait at the end & catch him.

My mothers nearly 80 and she still doesn’t need glasses. She drinks right out of the bottle!

Social media is great. Before Facebook I’d never know what the girl who wrote “dirty Jew” on my 8th grade locker was thankful for this year.

Been fired from my job in the sewer. Twenty years down the drain.

Teacher: this is an E
Kid: what if it’s an F behind an L
T: no it’s just an E
K: how can u be sure
[3 am]
T: *wide awake* how can u be sure

Her: You look great without glasses

Me: I don’t wear glasses

Her: *putting them back on* I do

FRIEND: what was the best day of ur life
WIFE: our wedding day
ME (thinking of the time the Coke machine gave me 2 cans instead of 1): same

Oh you’re a Football fan? Okay then name 3 of their albums. Yeah. That’s what I thought.

By the time he entered rehab, Popeye was more spinach than sailor man.

What happens in Vegas will most likely cost you a fortune in dry cleaning.

Martha Stewart gives me the crêpes.

*drunkenly sliding down telephone pole wearing oven mitts*

Cop: Sir? May I ask you what you’re doing?

I’m a sexy fireman, rawr.

[interview to be an undercover agent]

Chief: Janine, can you send in the next applicant

Janine: yes sir; next!

[the large potted plant in the corner of the room stands up]

Chief: Janine, can you send home the remaining applicants

[street fight]

Come at me bro!!

*guy rips off his shirt revealing bulging muscles

*I rip off my shirt revealing another shirt & run away

[weapons store]

ME: *holding up a spare pin* Has anybody seen my grenade?