Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I wish the blonde girl with the pterodactyls would hurry up and kill everyone.

My dog acts like he’s always auditioning to be my best friend. I’m like “Dude, you already got the part…you can relax.”

your daddy is a what now?

I was on a date and my credit card got declined. Her credit card got declined too. Then I knew I was in love.

Since it would take human contact to get Ebola. Everyone on Twitter is safe.

Brat summer is out, attic wife autumn is in. We’re hissing at people. We’re withdrawing from society. We’re growing our hair below our waist. We’re setting fire to his curtains. We’re gaslighting his new side piece.

an edibles food truck and i’d call it the cannabus.

Fun Fact: The one thing that married couples always agree on is that most fights are started by their spouse.

Me: *upon exiting the womb* you’ll be hearing from my lawyer

Me: fills tub with blood of virgins to keep my youthful glow

Also me: ruins everything by absentmindedly tossing in a bath bomb

Saw a girl wearing a hoodie, shorts and UGGs. My stepdaughter said, “Seasonally challenged sluts are the worst.” I am beyond proud.

[plastic surgeon]

please my credit card it’s very sick

My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember where he parked.

this made my day 😂

You think you’re in pretty good shape and then you shovel two feet of snow and wake up the next day feeling like you threw yourself off of a skyscraper.

my wife: they don’t want you to bring anything to thanksgiving dinner
me, right in the middle of making turkey flavored ice cream: why not?

Our Father, who art in Heaven, Hallowed be thy name

But Imma call you “Hal” for short, ‘k, Chief?

bored gunna start making up careers: milk sommelier, door to door toothbrush salesman, Sponge repairman, host of america’s funniest sex tapes, Secretary of toiletries, train model, chief executive dysfunction officer, president of a university, pig jockey, salt tester, underwater

I choose my underwear for the day based on how likely I am to have sex.
Today I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway.

Bought a kazoo to stick in my husband’s mouth when he snores so he can wake himself up in the most annoying way possible

4 y/o: how does Santa go to everyone’s house in one night

me: warp speed

4 y/o: warp speed isn’t real

me: neither is Santa go to sleep

but like if you somehow manage to launch yourself to the ISS they ought to let you in? right??

asking for a friend

“And what is it about this job that appeals to you?”
“Well, I can fit it in around my lifestyle. Also being able to pardon myself for the crimes I’ve committed”

I bet Adam and Eve loved being the first people cuz they didn’t have to worry about ghosts

Saw two dads share a dad joke out in the wild.
At a grocery store, two guys exchanging a cart. The guy taking the cart said “did ya put some gas in it?” And the other guy patted the cart and said “yep, filled ‘er up for ya” and they had a good little chuckle together

Pro tip:

Don’t go to knife fights. Then you never have to worry about what to bring.

What if deer stare at our headlights because they’re trying to use the force to stop the car and when one actually stops their deer squad is in the woods watching and just losing their minds over it

Weird how parrots and I tend to share the same opinions

My husband is going to be so surprised when he finds out the woman I’ve been sleeping with is way hotter than his girlfriend.

My son is an embarrassment, I’m afraid. He came back from college for Xmas, and seems mortified to find that me & his mom have gone goth.