Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I was a Jedi my most common use of the force would probably be rebooting the router.

Hugh Jackman denies ever taking steroids to transform into Wolverine:

“I had been told what the side effects are… I don’t love my job that much.”

*First day as a police officer*

Me: Sir, your son’s been either incarcerated or incinerated… *flips pad* Does that look like an A to you?

Just saw that tonight is the 8th annual final concert ever for KISS.

me: *finds new bruise*

brain: press it

I mean, I had to pay a gym membership so technically they’re not really free weights.

It looks like our local Walgreens is dressing up as Christmas for Halloween.

“Let’s go over this one more time.”
“I know what-”
“ONE MORE TIME.”
“Fine.”
“What is it you’re looking for?”
“A garbage bag.”
“In which room?”
“The kitchen.”
“What do you do when you find it?”
“Bring it to you here.”
“I’m counting on you, Tim.”

[Gender reveal party]

Me: I don’t get it. Are they having a Smurf?

Wife: Shutup and eat your cake.

To make up for all the junk I ate over the weekend, I plan to run 86 miles today.

being on Twitter right now is like playing the violin on the titanic except we are also making fun of the iceberg and the iceberg is getting genuinely mad

I’m “My dog gets in the pool more than anyone else in the family” years old.

first time in subway and the worker took a picture of my order 😭😭 am I doing this wrong

My 5 yo always asks for 5 of any treat, because he thinks that’s how it works. I told him that was ridiculous while polishing off my 42nd chocolate chip cookie

me: please don’t be mad

getaway driver: what’s wrong

me(left the money in the bank): nothing let’s go

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I wrote ‘I loathe ‘ and ac finished it with ‘people’. I’m gonna marry my phone.

called in thicc to work this morning

Date – “I must admit, this is a really nice restaurant”
Me – 😎
…
Date – “why did you say sunglasses emoji?”

Boss asked if I was ready for more responsibility. I’m eating around a sticker on an apple cause I’m too lazy to peel it off so I guess no.

SINCERE STUPID QUESTION:

was peter parker funny and quippy like he is when fighting as spider-man BEFORE he got his powers also, or did he get some kind of enhanced spider-sense of humor?

ARE SPIDERS VERY FUNNY NATURALLY?

A lot of people frown on demon possession, but then can’t name a quicker way to learn Latin.

I need this for my side hustle.

Priest: Do you read to your kids from the Good Book?

Me: Every night

Priest: What’s their favorite part?

Me: When Frodo destroys the ring

If you meet a surgeon at a party don’t immediately start pitching to them. They are sick of hearing ideas for surgeries, and even if you give them a good one they will just steal it without crediting you

My 8 year old packed his own toilet paper in his backpack to bring to school because he said theirs is too harsh.

Amazing how each of the kids in Willy Wonka was written to represent a different deadly sin: pride, gluttony, sloth, chewing gum until you become a blueberry, greed, etc.

KID: I’m a brat!
WILLY WONKA: I am going to have you murdered.

You may think a squirt of water in the face is the best way to reprimand cats but turns out it works pretty well on people too.