Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Friend: How long will it take you to recover from surgery?

Me: That depends on how long my husband is willing to cook, clean, and do the laundry.

Coworker: What book you reading there?

Me: ‘How To Kidnap A Coworker’

CW:…

Me: Not you, Karen. A pretty one.

I believe it is important to be an organ donor, which is why I am willing to donate my second chin to anyone missing a chin.

A lot of people don’t know this but Hotel sheets aren’t tucked in tight. It’s actually the bed bugs playing a lil game of tug of war with you

reminder

Be nice to people today, we’re all just trying to get through Monday for the seventh time this month.

Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!

Him : Which one?

Me : I only have one face, Carl.

Hey baby, do you like tan lines? Because I fell asleep with a badminton racquet on my face again and

Remember back when you thought the movie “Idiocracy” was a satirical comedy instead of a documentary?

Standing in the boys clothes section at Kohls waiting for my wife. I just realized I look creepy. Better move to the little girls section.

Pffft. Call me when you can cut the sexual tension with a spoon.

It’s that time of year again, to reflect and remember how much I love my tax deductions.

Kids… I meant my kids.

Calling it Quarantine:
-boring
-sad
-lonely af

Calling it house arrest:
-sounds like you do crimes
-you’re a bad boy now
-cool as heck

How can I say no to this ?

I carry a knife whenever I’m running late to work because that’s what Counterstrike taught me: “You always run faster with a knife”.

The secret to marriage is finding someone whose chore preferences complement yours.

My son’s default mode is “protester being dragged out of a political rally.”

“These are serious allegations”

You never hear about anyone making hilarious allegations.

optimus prime: [doing standup] i just flew in from new york and boy are my arms tires

So we’re agreed: if that balloon flies over any of us, we moon it like it’s 1978

Catch feelings? I’d rather catch multiple bricks to the face. A house. Drop a house on me.

Doctor: Describe your headache.

Me: She’s about 5’8″, blonde, and the mother of my children.

This is my favorite Twitter interaction ever.

A group of arsonists is called a firing squad.

[moth meeting]
Moth: I was thinking, since we all love the light so much why don’t we come out during the day?
Head moth: no, we fly into lamps until we die

Human are so complicated

I am one who tells herself blueberry muffins are healthy because duh, there are blueberries. Also, guess what I got at Costco today? Yep.

clark, the office penguin, raised his fin and voted “no” on implementing a “casual friday”.

I go through the 7 stages of grief just to get to work everyday.