Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

WIFE: [trying to distract our crying baby] give him your car keys

ME: good idea! [hopeful] you think he’ll drive away?

Trainer: How often do you exercise?

Me: Not that often. Wait, does sex count as exercise?

T: Uhhh sure.

M: Ok then still not that often

can we all agree that Mini Cooper drivers need to put an extended flag on the back of their cars so the stalls where they’re parked stop looking empty?

The interesting thing about stabbing somebody in the chest with a giant sharpened stick is it will kill them whether they’re a vampire or just a regular dude

I’m always confused at fancy restaurants. Which spoon do you throw at the screaming toddler?

the only difference between 15 year old me and current me is that if i fell off of a skateboard now i would die.

Nobody victim blames more than my seven-year-old when he’s in trouble for punching his little brother

I like that blood pressure kits come with a free, handy zip-up bag that your stuff will never fit in again once you take it out.

me: Go back!
uber driver: Did I miss the turn?
me [already in the front seat trying to find the station that was playing Taylor Swift]

do y’all like your PB&J with or without the door hinge

Today’s homeschooling Google searches:

Why don’t they just get Jehovah’s Witnesses to deliver the mail?

How old were you when you learned Red Velvet is a type of chocolate cake…?

I was today years old.

Secret admirer got a raise! Finally, decent chocolates.

[boxing match]
Commentator: Silva is in the red shorts with green, white & yellow trim
Me: the black guy. Just say Silva is the black guy

“No matter what it is, two chews and a swallow is all you need. Efficiency is the key…”

~Dogs probably

Urine for a real treat today.

-Toilets

horror movie
– but it’s just her throwing on the hallmark channel after handcuffing me to the bedposts

Yes

Why is it called an everything bagel and not a bagall.

My husband came home at 5:47am & wanted to know why his key wasn’t working. You don’t live here anymore. That’s why.

I say “correct me if I wrong” just to make people listen to me.

There should be a tv game show where couples have to scroll through every streaming service looking for something they both want to watch and if time runs out, they get divorced.

Honey I Shrunk the Kids IV:

They shrink everyone on earth on purpose

The planet will never run out of resources

Everyone is eaten by ants

ME: “Nemo” is Latin for “no one,” so in essence he is searching for nothing, a spectre. His voyage crosses many planes, into the depths of the underworld, led by a fool who speaks riddles. He is King Lear lost in the storm, but also Dante traversing Hell
MY CHILDREN: We hate you

if you won an award for brushing your teeth the worst, would you receive a plaque plaque?

LIFE HACK: At the end of a night out, go to a Domino’s Pizza, order a delivery then catch a ride with the driver. Dinner + transport home!

Every time you think Florida can’t top itself. BAM!

I like to keep a “wet paint” sign on my office door, so that no one wants to touch the door to come in.

there’s no way the scooby doo gang never found a dead body