[Home Depot]
“Hi, my wife asked me to pick up some small finishing nails”
Clerk: Oh, with a little head?
“Nah, just verbally”
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Called this psychic hotline today but a woman answered the phone saying “how can I help you?” So I hung up and tried another one.
ME, my last day as a doctor: Sir, your sugar is dangerously high. You need to eat less… *checking the notes on my hand*… crabs.
lost my job at Red Lobster for saying crabsolutely too much
had a weird insomnia so i put on a movie (Interstellar). i loved it. it made me cry twice and gave me the chills once but it absolutely didn’t help me sleep
The dog almost ate the bird tonight.
It was like a Dateline episode.“He kept to himself, but on the evening of June 6, he snapped.”
It’s all fun in the sun until a swarm of mosquitoes is carrying your kid across the yard.
[God making African animals]
Screw it. Just put stripes on a horse, make that water lizard really big, and put spots on a really tall deer.
I should have been a cat, bc all I do is sleep and the rest of the time I’m just weird.
“Stuff that alligator in that dolphin” – God creating sharks
Ok in hindsight “bite me” was a terrible safe word choice
Autocorrect changed “baby rattle” to “baby battle” and now I’m googling where to buy tiny weapons.
Wife: My mom is watching our kids for the night.
Me: Oh, baby. Do you know what we can do?
*falls asleep at 7 p.m.*
[job interview]
“So why do you want to be a jeweler?”ME(thinking about using that eye thing to appraise chicken nuggets): I love rubies
I patiently sat through a 75 hour story about my daughter’s dream and then said wow daddy would love to hear this.
How come Satan always seems to know exactly what I like?
Just because I’m gay, doesn’t mean I don’t know how to please a woman.
You buy them a dress with pockets.
[ first day working at a pet store ]
customer: can i see that fish bowl?
me: sure let me get his shoes
This is war. The Boys tv show stole my joke about a TSA agent named Pat Magroin
God: I made something new. It’s like a tornado, but smaller.
Angel: What do you call it?
God: A toddler.
you’re suing Gatorade because you mixed red and yellow and it didn’t taste like orange?
me: not even a little bit your honor
Please checkout my YouTube channel and learn how to quickly remodel your kitchen in only three years.
*Throws caution to the wind*
*gets covered in caution*
do I regret it, Carol? Hell, I don’t even remember gretting it the first time!
*stands next to ATM and cheers every time someone wins money*
If you cut your goat in half you’ll have two goats, that’s just simple math.
Why are ranches the only house with their own condiment? I demand bungalow sauce!
detective: can you describe the crime scene?
me: which one i seen lots of crimes.
Dear food bloggers, I am not interested in your journey toward chocolate pudding I JUST WANT THE GODDAMN RECIPE
Hurry everyone! While Canada is getting baked out of their mind today, I think we can rush in and take all the maple syrup and free health care we can carry.