@daemonic3

[Home Depot]

“Hi, my wife asked me to pick up some small finishing nails”

Clerk: Oh, with a little head?

“Nah, just verbally”

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@Bexdora

INFURIATING COLLEAGUE: Morning people!
ME: Morning…you look good…
IC: Thanks, I feel good!
ME: So much for Voodoo.
IC: What?
ME: What?

@SexytotheNorth

*selects Warrant’s Cherry Pie on jukebox.

*starts dancing on counter top in cafe.

*enjoys a piece of hot pie in back of police cruiser.

@Smethanie

I bet Ryan Gosling doesn’t even blow his candles out. He probably just winks at them and they faint.

@LoveNLunchmeat

My daughter plays recorder now and practices every single day, so yes, I believe in karma. I’m not even sure what I did, but I believe in it.

@AimeeHelene1

Threw my back out today reaching for the shampoo in the shower.

But I’ll be telling everyone it’s from having sex while skydiving.

@jessokfine

This is a baby horse: it can walk 4 hours after it’s born
This is a baby human: don’t touch its head wrong or you’ll bonk its brain

@MorganJ7

Roses are brown,
Violets are brown,
Daisies are brown,

I’m a terrible gardener.

@Chumpstring

[robber pulls gun]

ME: take my money but please don’t hurt me i’m an only child

MY DAD: [yelling from the car] he’s lying he has a brother

@pbear79

Me: *trying to understand time zones* These things are all over the map.

@colebuer

It’s been 4 years since my job interview.

I’m beginning to suspect they chose someone else