[Home Depot]
“Hi, my wife asked me to pick up some small finishing nails”
Clerk: Oh, with a little head?
“Nah, just verbally”
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Since I’m working on the pool this weekend, might as well bring this one back.
hotel guest: what room am I in?
me: this is the lobby
manager: can I talk to you
Meet me in the bedroom.. bring the gravy boat.
Don’t make this weird…
things a whale might end an email with:
-i hope this email finds you whale
-best fishes
-may your days be full of peace and krillthings a whale probably wouldn’t end an email with:
-f*** y**
-you’re d*****t
-i am going to find and kill you
Netflix: We have Less
I just learned that dentists can actually smell your fear.
I only wish that I weren’t learning this from the dentist who’s lurking outside my window
If you are farther than me in candy crush I will automatically think you are smarter than me.
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
Kids playing baseball in the backyard really hits home. Usually on a window.
I want a pet donkey that will kick people I don’t like on the command, “huh, interesting”.
[someone says a word I’ve never heard before]
Me: *nods in agreement*
whats wrong?
“the bills”
we need to cut costs
“any suggestions”
at least 3
[my backup singers] 🎶I think she’s talking abou-
“not now ladies”
When bagging my groceries make sure to keep the radioactive bananas away from the mercury laden tuna.
That’s too much death in one bag.
Her: Why do you have a copy of 50 Shades of Grey in your bathroom? Perv!
Me: Oh. No that’s just for when I run out of toilet paper.
Wizard of Oz (1939): A hapless teen suffering from head trauma is led down the wrong path to cosplay, heroin, organ harvesting and ultimately, homicide.
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re going to take them to an IKEA instead.
Dogdamnit, autocarrot.
Me: I choose Truth!
Him: What is the most time wasting app on your phone?
Me: …I choose Dare!
I wish I had the confidence of the people strategizing their lottery numbers for five minutes in front of me in line at the gas station.
can’t help feeling like there’s already a name for this
Obi-wan: You look different.
Vader: You left me burning alive in lava with no arms and legs.
Obi-wan: I thought maybe you got a haircut.
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: I don’t. We’re awful. We should leave other people alone.
Damn, i got hit with the “we need to talk” from my wife. Thank God it was just about divorce. I was scared shitless it was an intervention.
Let’s play a game. You go hide. And I’ll go take a nap.
Why, yes, I am dressed for the weather.
I am wearing a house.
Her: Hi! How’ve you been?
Me: Great! You?
Her: So good! Family?
Me: Great! Yours?
Her: Good!
Me: Let’s catch up soon.
Her: Definitely! Call me.Husband: Who was that?
Me: I have no idea.
13 Types of Regret You’ll Experience After Clicking on a Link to an Article That Won’t Live Up to its Exaggerated Headline
Have never been roasted to the level as I have been today after asking my department full of tall Tinas if we had a step stool for the file room. They’re trying to find a booster seat on Facebook marketplace for my desk chair. It’s over. I’ll never recover from this.
People complain about spam e-mail but it provides a valuable service. If every e-mail I got was actually important and required a response? I think that might break me
Before I get busy doing nothing, I am taking a 20 minute break.