INFURIATING COLLEAGUE: Morning people!
ME: Morning…you look good…
IC: Thanks, I feel good!
ME: So much for Voodoo.
“Hi, my wife asked me to pick up some small finishing nails”
Clerk: Oh, with a little head?
“Nah, just verbally”
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*selects Warrant’s Cherry Pie on jukebox.
*starts dancing on counter top in cafe.
*enjoys a piece of hot pie in back of police cruiser.
I bet Ryan Gosling doesn’t even blow his candles out. He probably just winks at them and they faint.
My daughter plays recorder now and practices every single day, so yes, I believe in karma. I’m not even sure what I did, but I believe in it.
Threw my back out today reaching for the shampoo in the shower.
But I’ll be telling everyone it’s from having sex while skydiving.
This is a baby horse: it can walk 4 hours after it’s born
This is a baby human: don’t touch its head wrong or you’ll bonk its brain
Roses are brown,
Violets are brown,
Daisies are brown,
I’m a terrible gardener.
[robber pulls gun]
ME: take my money but please don’t hurt me i’m an only child
MY DAD: [yelling from the car] he’s lying he has a brother
Me: *trying to understand time zones* These things are all over the map.
It’s been 4 years since my job interview.
I’m beginning to suspect they chose someone else