[Home Depot]
“Hi, my wife asked me to pick up some small finishing nails”
Clerk: Oh, with a little head?
“Nah, just verbally”
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I have what CNN is calling ‘snow fatigue’ symptoms include:
Being tired of winter
A sudden desire for spring
Thoughts of murderous rage
i like how at the end of old movies it says ‘the end’ so you arent horrorstruck by the thought of a fictional universe persisting unobserved
My chess strategy is to make a bunch of erratic moves at the beginning to throw my opponent off, & then lose the game
“YEP, that’s a poop alright!”, and other phrases you’d prefer not to hear coming from the 3 year old’s room.
omfg i HATE when kids scream in public… u have no real problems. it should be me screaming. ME
I’m too high watching Secret Agent Cody Banks and my friends didn’t take an edible so I have to act like I’m not high it’s almost like I am also Secret Agent Cody Banks rn
Candy cigarettes really use to be a thing and we really bought them and walked around like we were smokers at the tender age of 6.
Guy on airplane: What’s your drink of choice?
Me: Vodka
Guy: That’s classy
Me: Not in the amounts I drink
Homophobic parents are right to be worried about their children turning gay after lessons about LGBT awareness. I lived as a Tudor wench for 2 years following a history class.
A mattress will double in weight after six years, just like everything else I sleep with!
[first day as a hairdresser]
customer: can you take off a foot?
me: *sharpening axe* no problem
Everyone wants to save the world, but no one wants to do the dishes.
State Farm
Like a good neighbor, stay on your side of the yard, pretend I’m not there, and let’s have as little interaction as possible.
me: could you put this ring at the bottom of my date’s champagne glass
waiter: [refusing to take the funyun] no
Pretty nervous about the guy who dropped out of mechanic school the second they showed us how to cut a brake line.
Love that person who tells me to ‘take a drink of water’ when I’m CHOKING ON WATER.
me: what’s your sign
chef: spisces
No one takes their job more seriously than the guy that glues down the start of the toilet paper roll.
Date: Don’t tell anyone we met online. It’s embarrassing.
[Later]
Friend: Where’d you guys meet?
Me: Family reunion
Therapist: So why are you guys here?
Me: I feel like we are having communication problems.
Him: This is our first date?
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
I’ve been waiting for the perfect time to change my Netflix password so my ex can’t use it anymore and it doesn’t really get much better than a national lockdown
I may be angry on the outside, but inside me beats a heart of stone…
LITTLE MERMAID 2016:
SEA WITCH URSULA: Your voice is mine mwaahahaha!!!
ARIEL: *flicks eyes up; keeps texting*
Noah: A boat?
God: Yes.
Noah: Two of every animal?
God: Yes.
Noah: I have a better idea.
God: What.
Noah: Maybe don’t kill everyone.
[After Sex]
Him: how was it for you?
Shakira’s hips: well…
Nothing is impossible…except for my daughter returning home with the hat and gloves she wore to school this morning.
At this point I feel like MTV is just trying to scare old people.
Trojan: Pricier than some other brands, yet still cheaper than Enfamil, Gerber, Pampers, Graco, Fisher-Price, Playskool, Lego, Melissa & Do-
No Olympian will ever be better at medaling than the gang on Scooby Doo.