Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Radio: “…it’s a climate of fear…”

Outside: [*raining clowns*]

Her: I’m leaving…

Me: Good. Go. I never loved you in the first place.

Her:…for the store.

Me: Oh…..Pick me up some Funyuns?

Condescending:

(adj) showing patronizing superiority

(verb) a convict shimmying down a prison wall with a rope made of bed sheets.

I have made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I’ve never made a bad sandwich. From now on I will make no more decisions only sandwiches.

Super disappointing that the government is taking so long to distribute and administer the murder hornets

You’d think wearing a hospital gown in a pharmacy would insure prompt service, well I’m here to tell you kids, it does not.

If you love someone let them go, if they come back without donuts let them go again.

[INTERVIEW]

HR: What are your strengths?

Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*

HR: Wow-Weaknesses?

Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*

Doctor (listening to my heart): You really should stop smoking

Me: I will one day

Doctor: No…like now. You can’t smoke in here

just gave your address to some spiders

Waking up extra early gives you more time and helps you focus. On all that extra time you could have been asleep.

[20 minutes after it stops raining]

ME: *turns off windshield wipers*

ME: I think I have coronavirus, every morning I wake up aching and sick. It usually goes away by the afternoon, but the next day same thing.
FRIEND: It’s a hangover. You’re drinking 2 bottles of wine a night in quarantine.
ME: My God… wine causes the coronavirus!

A spooky dog skeleton would be so confused. He’d be like should I haunt people or should I gnaw on my enticingly exposed bones

I love how Simba acts upset when Mufasa dies as if he didn’t just do a choreographed musical number called “I Just Can’t Wait To Be King”.

Hormonal teenage daughter: Where do you want to be buried?
Me: You mean after I die, right?

We are trained since birth that happiness comes from boobs or bottles.

why do people romanticize the 1950s? like calm down, we still have milkshakes and racism

I will walk by you fifty times to make sure you know I’m ignoring you.

*guy shows me his Chinese character tattoo*
“It means wisdom”

*I show him a Batman BandAid on my arm*
“It means I was brave at the doctor”

[First Date]

Him: Great dress.
Me: Oh, this?

*flips hair*
*twirls*
*skirt flares*
*foot catches*
*face plants*

Him:
Me: Hey! Come back!

idk who needs to hear this but if you ever need to move a lamb over a wall, here u go

[Considering whether a recipe is easy enough to attempt]

Recipe: First, finely chop—
Me: I’m out.

I wonder if people who live on the sun are just as excited about the eclipse as those on earth..

*brings vasectomy paperwork to speed dating*

Just spent 3 hours debugging. Turns out it was a missing semicolon. Considering a career in sheep herding now.

I wish I had the free time of someone who leaves a positive Amazon review for a rake

If inmates can pen pal their way into marriage, then there’s still hope for most of you.

someone trained 10 dogs to jump rope together and I can’t train 2 kids to sit and stay during dinner

In my family, we settle all disputes by pointing out the other’s short comings and failures and whoever starts crying first loses.