Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“No thanks, I’m vegan,” is apparently not funny when someone hands you a baby. 🤭

work smarter, not harder

Yesterday I was feeling off but today I knocked over a small pitcher of soy milk in a diner trying to check my reflection because a really hot girl walked by so I guess I’m back

This toilet won’t flush!!

Cop: “Sir, will you please step out of the phone booth”

Help, I lost my voice. Is there an app that will yell at my kids for me?

No thanks Ice Bar. If anyone wants to get me inside a freezer they’re gonna have to murder me first.

A high school student just asked if Titanic was based on a true story. Happy Friday.

Accurate

When I see a kid on a leash I assume they were a dog turned into a kid by a witch & the owners have yet to figure out how to turn them back.

Whenever I see the words “horse-drawn carriage” I wonder if the horse’s artistic output was limited to means of transportation, or he also did cartoons.

Why doesn’t my new white noise, sound machine have a setting for “biology teacher rambling on about photosynthesis” in an overly warm classroom on a Thursday afternoon?

I’d pay extra for that one.

There should be a thing in doubles tennis where a player can betray their team mate and join the other team so it’s 3 v 1 but if you lose, you’re eliminated as well and the 1 goes on alone.

[Taken 26]

Abductor: I have your great granddaughter

LIAM NEESON: I literally died 12 years ago

How’d you get those bruises?

*remembers tripping over a stuffed animal and destroying my blanket fort*

Karate.

I won $2 on the lottery last night so please, hold my calls.

The guy two cubes down wears vests, curls his mustache, and never says a word. I always smile politely because maybe he’ll spare my life.

Satan cannot be everywhere,
So Relatives were created..

Just so you know – you’re not the first one to make the sign of the cross when watching me eat

(Entering heaven)

Jesus: You made it! One last piece of admin, can you show me your draft tweets?

Me: Ok so I just go down the stairs and keep going until warm right?

you play enough angry birds and you realize: the angry bird is you.

[at train station]

Cashier: May I help you?

Me (thumbing through a wad of Monopoly money): Yeah, I’d like to buy this place

It’s pretty shitty people are giving back the highways they adopted now that lockdowns are over.

Me: “Don’t piss me off, I can rip a phone book in half.”

10yo: “A phone what?”

When someone points at your black clothes and asks whose funeral it is,

having a look around the room and saying ‘Haven’t decided yet’ is typically a good response.

Malicious compliance at its best. Reap what you sow.

If I die, someone please tell my husband that my shoes are worth six times as much as I said I paid for them.

[me in a zombie apocalypse] okay I think this is a zombie but I don’t want to be rude and presume anything, maybe this lady is just having a rough day, aren’t we all, haha, I’ll just try to go about my business, okay no she’s definitely biting me

Good morning, Twitter x

Honey, you know the part in The 6th Sense when she drops his wedding ring & you realize he’s been dead the whole time? Well I want a divorce

If you reply with “sky” each time I ask what’s up, I shall assume you’re homeless.