[home depot]
ME: do you have marble counters?
CLERK: sure, in the back of aisle 9
ME: oh thank god [carrying 2 huge buckets of marbles] I keep losing count around 1,000
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-I told you 100 times, you can’t trick me into going to the garbage dump again
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time.
*looks over shoulder*
*puts tiny piece of paper in trash*Wife (from upstairs): THAT CAN BE RECYCLED!!!
Most women put a bun on the top of their head, they look like a ballerina. I do it and I’m Tweetybird’s Granny from Looney Tunes.
[first day of work as a 911 operator]
“Hello, 911”
Hi someone’s trying to break into my house
“holy shit call 911”
Y’all, I’m a teletherapist and my dog just popped up in session looking all professional and shit
me: *hiding from kidnapper*
kidnapper: *sneezes*
me: BLESS YOU!
The Secret Service has gone bankrupt. Finally something has happened that Donald Trump has knowledge in handling.
“Help yourself!”
– people who don’t want to help you
I was telling some bro at a party about how I’m related to Emily Brontë and he said “it’s pronounced Blunt”.
Love restaurants that put ice cubes in their urinals. Makes me think the ice is a bank vault and my pee is a laser.
I’d like to think my children have so much more to learn from me but my son asked me how big the sun is and I replied with “big” so chances are I’ve already taught them everything I know.
WIFE: It’s your turn to change the baby.
ME: Ugh fine.
[later]
WIFE: Why does our baby have a septum piercing?
ME: His name is torch now.
Crush: what u up to
Me: about to take a shower and listen to music
Crush: nice, what kind
Me: *nervously* one with water
I ordered the chick on page 3 in the Victoria’s Secret catalog…
But all they sent me was her underwear.
[Comes home and wife is laying in bed with Another Man]
“Hey”
Hi
“Can I ask you something?”
Yup
“Why’d you name the dog ‘Another Man’ babe?”
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
Me: Birds are SO SMART, they fly in formation to conserve energy.
Birds: Look at this idiot, shit on him.
Just checked weather. If anyone is curious what’s in my wardrobe, find me tomorrow. I will be wearing every article of clothing I own.
“conference” comes from the Latin “con” meaning “together with” and “ference” meaning “the worst people on earth”
Tiptoeing would be much more fun if your toes made that tinkling sound like they do in cartoons.
Me, telling my kids we’re leaving in 30 minutes: We’re leaving in 5 minutes.
I distinctly remember back in January saying “I wish I could spend more time home.”
To all of you I deeply apologize for not saying “world peace”.
The last couple years haven’t been ALL bad. Just look at the repertoire of potato-based coping strategies you’ve developed
Comic 🥺👉👈💗❤️🔥
Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection except for one. He’s never gonna give you Up.
I don’t want to stand, Apple Watch. You stand.
Didn’t realize my kid was a midwestern farmer in a past life until we drove by a cornfield and he muttered “sure is gettin’ tall”
A rabbit has a father who has a big hair care product empire and wonders if one day his child will become the Hair heir hare.