[home depot]

ME: do you have marble counters?

CLERK: sure, in the back of aisle 9

ME: oh thank god [carrying 2 huge buckets of marbles] I keep losing count around 1,000

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I cleaned the house last month and it’s already dirty again. Life is SO unfair.


My 5 stages of grief:
5. Are you gonna eat that?


“How many bags would you like, sir?” “I donno, just put everything in bags until it’s all in bags and then that’s how many bags.”


Fool me once, I buy a grenade, Fool me twice, I throw it..


me *walks into house*
wife: Where are the kids?
me *turns around and goes back out*


The interview was going great until my puppet started screaming


[Dumbledore gets hit with Avada Kedavra]
HOUSE MD: I think he had lupus.


I vacuumed up a giant spider, so now I just have to leave the hoover running for the rest of my life so it can’t get out again.


I can’t take this anymore. I’m breaking into the zoo and throwing myself into the meerkat exhibit