@daemonic3

[home depot]

ME: do you have marble counters?

CLERK: sure, in the back of aisle 9

ME: oh thank god [carrying 2 huge buckets of marbles] I keep losing count around 1,000

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@HousewifeOfHell

I cleaned the house last month and it’s already dirty again. Life is SO unfair.

@dafloydsta

My 5 stages of grief:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5. Are you gonna eat that?

@AndrewBarr8

“How many bags would you like, sir?” “I donno, just put everything in bags until it’s all in bags and then that’s how many bags.”

@oigoabuya

Fool me once, I buy a grenade, Fool me twice, I throw it..

@iwearaonesie

me *walks into house*
wife: Where are the kids?
me *turns around and goes back out*

@Cpin42

The interview was going great until my puppet started screaming

@jwoodham

[Dumbledore gets hit with Avada Kedavra]
HOUSE MD: I think he had lupus.

@GinAndJif

I vacuumed up a giant spider, so now I just have to leave the hoover running for the rest of my life so it can’t get out again.

@AnExocticBeach

I can’t take this anymore. I’m breaking into the zoo and throwing myself into the meerkat exhibit