Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Donald Trump looks like the nasty businessman in a Disney movie who loses out to a six year-old and his dog.

Wife: is that our guinea pig?

Me: yes and I’ve named her gwyn

Wife: why

Me: *whispers* gwyny pig

I’m really worried Justin Timberlake is going to have me naked by the end of this song.

The word “defenestration” means “to throw someone out a window.” Which means this happens so often we needed a word for it.

I hope Instagram is still active during the apocalypse so the zombies can post pics of whose brains they’re currently eating

me: [answers phone in meeting] “this better be important”
wife: “i think we’re having a baby”
me: [sighs] “you told me that 9 months ago”

My neighbor said he heard me having sex today but it was just me standing in front of my air conditioner.

“You look tired”

Well you’re crap at compliments.

Me: How much for the Bohemian golf ball?

Clerk: That’s an egg.

I’ve sustained two tea-pouring injuries so far this week. Suffice it to say I won’t be moving to London anytime soon.

Marriage, when you drink as much as possible before your husband gets home so you can just drink 1 glass of wine in front of him.

When I was younger I was into athletics. I miss the guys from the 4x400m relay team. We ran in the same circles.

The emailer who threatened LA schools claims to be “a Muslim extremist.”

That’s like a student signing his report card “Timmy’s Dad.”

I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target last night and, long story short I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.

Sorry I can’t pay for a new car right now, I’m still paying off a Naked Juice I bought in 2014

me: i have a thought
twitter: are you sure you want to choose violence?

You get: 1 hour of extra sleep

You lose: the will to live after the sunsets at 4pm

Unpopular Opinion: the wooden ball inside an avocado is a seed

me: the show is at 7, want to get there at 6:45?
dad: sure 6 it is
me: i said 6:45
dad: yup 6
me: 6:30?
dad: right we’re on the same page, 6
me: we don’t need to get there an hour early
dad: we can’t arrive right at showtime
me: there are other options
dad: i don’t understand

I attempted smoky eye makeup for a holiday party tonight, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight, so I’m going with that story.

My doctor asked me how much I weigh like anyone keeps track of that. Idk, Mark. Like 7 tires? 16 squirrels? Is that what you want to hear Mark? 87 ducks!?

babe can i sit under your desk and distract you with my mouth while you work? *starts chewing electrical cords*

The one upside to triplets is that you finally have enough babies to juggle

was going to buy this diversion safe but realized somewhat ironically that the only thing of value to my name is a can of hormel chili

I’m sending a whole bunch of emails to random Nigerians letting them know they’ve won the Canadian lottery.

For once I would like to get through an entire work day without my boss waking me up.

*Asking the price for something way too expensive but also shy*

Me – Excuse me. How much is this?

Salesman – Ten thousand dollars.

Me – Oh…. I’ll take three.

*sets place on fire before paying*

Do people lifting with their knees and backs know about using their hands?

Normalize bringing 30 days of corn rations on first dates