Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[first day as tour guide in New York]
Me: that’s the Statue of Liberty
Guy: what is she clutching
Me [awkward long pause]: all the liberty

what the hell girl, sure

universe: you deserve a break

me: wow thanks

universe: *winks*

me: *tumbles down the stairs*

A Covid test nurse asked if I’ve had a sudden loss of taste. I told her, “No, I’ve dressed like this for quite a while.”

[Theater]

GF: I got M&M’s.

Me: I can’t eat those here.

GF: Why?

M: *exasperated sigh* Because it’s too dark to separate them by color.

Me: I spy with my little eye something beginning with i

Other Titanic lookout: hmmm

Takes the stairs because I preemptively exited an elevator and want to run from my shame

Don’t be afraid to start over. I’m now on my third body.

[looking at photo album]

Me: Here’s the story of how daddy met mommy

Son: Why is your hair spiky…

Daughter: …and long in the back?

An interrogator that just goes into the room and loudly eats a peach until the suspect confesses to everything.

Every time I attend a wedding I try to get the DJ to play “The Monster Mash.” One time I took the bride’s phone and texted the DJ with it. Another time I claimed I was the bride’s brother and that it was a really important in-joke between the couple. I’m batting .700

He died doing what he loved, forgetting to put my potato wedges in the bag.

*gives you a knife

*points to the toaster

Alaska’s Passive Aggressive Map of the USA

Adult life is constantly saying to your friends let’s do something soon and suddenly 6 months have gone by

You know you don’t have to give your bathroom a beach theme, there’s no law

Wife: What were the exact years of the Hundred Years War?

Me: Don’t know. Just Google it.

W: Geez, when did people stop using their brains?

M: Don’t know. Just Google it.

We’re gonna catapult that guy into next Tuesday!

Pedant: Actually…

[pedant being being hurled across the sky via trebuchet]

5-year-old daughter: Why does Mom wear makeup?

Me: To look pretty.

5: But she’s already pretty.

Me: Aww.

5: Dad, you should wear makeup.

I’ll walk into the gym eating a slice of pizza so that everyone can hate me…

There are too many movies about vampire hunters and not enough about vampire gatherers.

My hips don’t lie. The bastards run around telling everybody how much I like donuts.

I presented pragmatic, irrefutable facts and felt confident I made my case, but my dog would have none of it.

Instead of seizing the day, I’m going to make little “shoo shoo” motions at it.

Makes me laugh when a person blows their nose,then look into the tissue to see what came out. Seriously.. what are you expecting to find there?

Boss: Did you take Mike’s stapler and leave a note demanding that he meet you for drinks later?

Me: WHAT!?! Noooo….wait, did he say yes?

[opens treasure chest & it’s full of treasure]
Me: whoa
Friend: what is it?
Me [slowly closing chest]: spiders

the first episode of house of the dragon focusses on the dragon applying for a mortgage

If you don’t think monkeys are adorable, then you can suck macaque.