Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ew, there is no way I’m touching that hand sanitizer dispenser.

I asked my mom about parenting and she said: “the first 40 years are the hardest.”

Her oldest child is 38. 🤣

One of the perks of marriage is having someone around to let you know which normal things from your childhood were actually very very weird

Some people will put ketchup on anything: one time I found a first edition of Wuthering Heights in my dad’s attic & I just couldn’t resist.

Shin bruises only take about 8 years to heal

My biggest fear is a killer saying some funny shit while I’m playing dead😭

You don’t see great advertising like this anymore

Some guy with hair said I was bad at descriptions the other day.

It’s interesting growing up and discovering that most adults are not that clever. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.

My neighbor told me coyotes keep eating his outdoor cats so I asked how many cats he has and he said he just goes to the shelter and gets a new cat afterwards so I said it sounds like he’s just feeding shelter cats to coyotes and then his daughter started crying.

this FaceApp is creepy af

Being friends with introverts is hard sometimes. Did they die? Are they just recharging? Are they batman now? The suspense is killing me.

The clean up after sex is definitely no small task but the confetti cannons and balloon drop make it all worth it.

I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that

New Facebook technology can identify faces with 97.25% accuracy, and then ask you if you want to tag that statue in the background.

Last minute Christmas shopping at Costco in the 10 TVs or less line.

Give a fish a worm, he lives another day
Teach a fish to worm, he becomes the best breakdancing fish around

Yes I am sort of famous you may recognize me from being invited to say the pledge of allegiance over the school speakers in third grade

Pfizer: Our new Covid vaccine needs to be stored at minus seventy degrees which will create logistics issues.

My wife: Would you like to use our bedroom?

Missed Connection: You were dangling from a cliff. I was scrambling for my cell phone. You fell before I could take a picture.

*travels back to 1930’s*
okay and that’s why you’ve got to kill hitler
FBI: wait so you can just look at naked lady videos anytime you want

Unfortunately most of my sex noises come from trying to get out of bed.

[Life Pro Tips]
when considering crime, avoid anything that could add the prefix “international” to charges

NASA has no chill

“What’s that?”
I call it a ‘knife’
“Wow, that’s the best thing since bread!”
Gregory, I am about to blow your mind

GUY: *busts in bleeding* i owe money to some bad dudes you gotta help me

ME: *proudly reaches down and pulls the pennies out of my loafers* you’ve come to the right place

Opening up a chiropractor office and calling it “Back to Normal”

I wish I had the confidence of a person who marks themselves as “safe” on Facebook.

Every Sunday is superbowel if you eat enough chili

I’ve got a black eye, a $200 fine and I’ve been listed on a register…turns out taking candy from a baby wasn’t so easy after all.