[Home Depot]
Me: Hi, I’d like to return this toilet plunger, please.
Cashier: I’m sorry, is it defective?
Me: No. It worked great
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I like having conversations with kids. Grownups never ask me what my third favorite reptile is.
Eggs Benedict implies the exsistence of Eggs Cumberbatch
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
You didn’t, the brakes did.
Cop: But do you know why?
Cuz I pressed the pedal with my foot?
Cop: Get out.
I’m pretty laid back… but if the bagger boy at the grocery store puts soup cans with bananas and bread again, I’m going to Lose. My. Shit.
Sorry babe, you knew you were dating a bad boy [shuffles Pokemon cards without the plastic covers]
You’ll never say “wrong hole” more often than when you’re trying to help a toddler put on gloves.
i was gonna go to work today but i lotioned after my shower and now i can’t get my jeans on
You know how you have that ONE hoodie that no matter when or what you’re eating — you ALWAYS spill something on it? It’s cuz you’re a pig.
After stressing and exhausting myself over making Christmas magic, I remembered my children are the real magic of Christmas.
Oh wait I made them too.
I don’t like the gerbil I become when I’m stuck in a revolving door.
by age 35 you should hate at least 4 neighborhood kids
Netflix: (every 45 seconds) aRe YoU StiLL wAtcHiNg ???
Netflix when you fall asleep on the couch: *somehow plays 18 episodes in a row*
Someday, maybe a year or a decade from now, we’ll look back on this day and think, “Crap I completely forgot to pick up my kid from daycare.”
If you can’t afford anal beads eat marbles and wait
There were over 14,000 wars before McDonalds launched the Dollar Menu. Since launching it, there’s only been 32. Those are just the facts.
if you’re not easily offended, why are you even here?
I’ve been getting fewer and fewer new followers but I’ll be damned if I’m going to tweet something good just because some people have taste.
Marry a man who surrounds himself with good weather and can provide good weather for you and your children.
me: sorry i couldn’t stay longer
friend: no that was long enough
[puts baby in highchair]
Ohhh HIGH chair, I get it. That explains why all you do is eat, sleep & drool you stupid little stoner.
Vegans aren’t so bad. They taste like chicken.
I asked my 6yo to help me open my mail, so he did it and said “there you go Tommy” which would totally make sense if my name was actually Tommy
When I had no money, I had few friends, but no enemies
Btw, I still have no money, in case you were thinking of becoming my friend or enemy
I’d be so pissed if my coworker left for American Idol and I had to cover for them plus act happy.
ME, MEETING ANYONE NAMED BLAIR: Hi, I loved your Witch Project.
Pro tip: when you have a drug test and they tell you to go to the bathroom in the cup, that means PEE. Always.
cushion on the right slightly discoloured
Me: When’s your break today?
Him: Not sure. I’ll send you a DM
*doorbell rings*
Demi Moore: Ok, he’s ready for lunch
How many times do you have to click “I accept cookies” before they send you the cookies?
Sure I feel bad for Marty McFly having to take his mum to the dance so his parents meet, but poor John Connor had to send his mate back in time to bang his mum or he wouldn’t have been born