Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[to the two wolves inside me]
do you need to go outside and go potty

[Busy ER]

Patient: So what happens after this?

Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate

Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?

Me: Oh. Same.

I woke up in the middle of the night and wrote “dentists are liars” into my phone. Not really sure what the plan is with that.

What if the 5th dentist was from the future and knew about the long-term tooth damage caused by Trident?

My therapist encouraged me to stop bending over backwards for people. But just between us, I really miss yoga.

Listens to you abuse me for my cargo shorts.

Reaches into pocket. Pulls out pack of peanut butter cheese crackers. Hands them to you.

I trust that will be the end of that.

The problem with studying ancient Chinese art is I want some Mexican art a half an hour later.

The best call ever would be “Hey, it’s me!”, but from your dog…

Because:
1. Aww your dog’s calling you
2. Holy shit your dog can talk!!

Don’t bother using those white packets of seasoning inside new shoes, they taste terrible.

Scurrying around in your socks, holding your beltless trousers up: airport security is like a weird, brief slumber party in the middle of the day with a bunch of strangers.

Bugs have antennas so they can get a few local channels for free

Signs that your pet dog might be a scorpion:

– Has six legs
– Fewer people want to pet it
– Responds to popular scorpion names like ‘Maurice’ or ‘Steve’
– Has a tail made of ouch

I need a treadmill with a reward system.

Run 10k, here’s a pizza.

I just accidentally said “I love you” when hanging up with the auto shop guy, so I’m just going to leave my car there and buy a new one

Ahh, birds chirping outside my window.
*lets the cat out*
*goes back to sleep*

She has style. She has grace. She has mayonnaise on her face

I do nostril kegels. Girls love strong nostrils.

My kids think I’m going to miss them when they leave for college, but I’ll be busy drinking my coffee while it’s still hot.

I don’t know who’s worse, the people who sign their cats’ names on Christmas cards, or the cats who refuse to sign.

I like how all these people are acting like they’ve never seen a naked 37 year old man fight 3 security guards at a mall food court before.

Mother: And where did you see this show?
Kid: I saw it on Hulu.
Mother: *raises disapproving eyebrow*
Kid: *sighs* I saw it on Whomlu.

Virgo: Sometimes you eat the bear and sometimes the bear eats you. Good luck on your next hike.

“I can’t believe we’re selling this house. So many memories. Man, if walls could talk…”
WALL: “I saw you vacuum up your kid’s hamster.”

So this is how I learned my work calendar wasn’t private.

This is the cockiest hospital i have ever seen

I’m definitely getting on top of the laundry. It’s a great place to nap.

you question the benefit of a $1000 stimulus payment and I challenge you to name a problem 1k donuts can’t solve

Little known fact, Alvin wore the big A on his shirt because he slept around.

Roses are red
Daisies are white
I’m in a grumpy mood
My underwear is too tight