[home depot]
ME: I think I like this huge decorative rock
HER: Boulder
ME: Ok [with confidence] I REALLY LOVE THIS HUGE DECORATIVE ROCK
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My teenager just got mad at me about something he THINKS his brother MIGHT say to him later.
Children are a blessing.
When I said you had a “serial killer face” I had meant it as a compliment, Like, you look like you are very ambitious is what I meant.
Kids today will never know the struggle of flipping a cassette tape in a Walk-Man will riding on a bicycle at the same time.
I would pay extra for a grocery store app that alerts me to the checkout line filled with people who apparently have never gone through a grocery store checkout line before in their life.
At my funeral I want a dozen white doves released. Then shot down. Then buried with me. It’ll be confusing af. Can’t wait.
Virtual learning silver lining: When your kids don’t leave the house all day, you can go longer without bathing them.
infomercial: has this ever happened to yo-
me: no
infomercial: [people failing miserably at everyday tasks]
me: ok listen here
11: Why are cars delivered by ships called cargo but in a car it’s called a shipment?
Me: no more YouTube before bed.
911: What’s your emer-
She said don’t get her anything for Valentine’s Day!
911: And you didn’t?
No!
911: Placing you in protective custody.
Thanks, spell check, that’s what I meant: Edgar Allen Pie.
Me: The shirt I’m wearing feels heavier than usual
WebMD: *Blocked
Mornin. * use accordingly
Genie: What is your last wish
Me: Make me stop second-guessing myself
Genie: You sure that’s what you want?
Me: GAAAHHHH
I have no idea who these famous people are. We need to go back to three channels.
My phone refuses to recognize that Transatlanticism is a word. Do you know how hard it is to get through that word without predictive text. And I talk about Transatlanticism a LOT
USERS: we love twitter but it has problems
TWITTER: great we’ll fix them
USERS: do you want to know what they are
TWITTER: absolutely not
Like shark attacks on humans, it’s actually extremely rare. The majority of antique, porcelain headed dolls aren’t interested in murdering people.
i’m lonely just not “inventor of the boomerang” lonely
Why do they call it “a crystal meth addiction” and not “methamaddicts?”
the funniest historical moment was when achilles’ mom, knowing that dunking him in the river styx would make him invulnerable, didn’t take an extra 2 seconds to dip his heel in to make sure he was 100% covered. just the laziest shit ever
My circle of trust is a meatball
Why go out and be a 3rd wheel when you can stay home and be a unicycle?
You don’t know rock bottom until someone tries to tickle your neck fat.
Officer: I’m arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia. Man: No wait! I can explain everything!
[at the gym]
Trainer: You want me to spot you, bro?
Waldo: Please don’t do that.
Tweet thief [secretly the Backstreet Boys] 🎶am I original?
– Naaah –
Tweet thief: 🎶am I the only one
– LOL NO –
Tweet thief: 🎶am I SEXUAL
*Awkward silence*
I really think Miracle Whip lowered the bar for what constitutes a miracle.
Imagine having a day like Jim Carrey in Liar Liar where you’re incapable of lying. I bet you’d all stay off Twitter for the day?
Son: Can you make a deposit into my prison commissary account?
Me: Stop calling your school lunch account the prison commissary.