[home depot]

ME: I think I like this huge decorative rock

HER: Boulder


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If you don’t believe in evolution, how do you explain corn dogs.


Just know someone out there is thinking of you, and how to make your death look like an accident.


How dare you look down on me, judging me with your judgy eyes and your judgy attitude and…

Attorney: my client means, “not guilty”


Me: did you know that the white lines inside of bell peppers are called veins?

Dracula: *glides forward* I von’t go vegan


Me: the only way to kill a zombie is to behead it

Cop [closing cuffs]: none of those people were zombies

Me: and they never will be!


Laying in bed with the wife last night, she asked “what would you like to do most to my body?””identify it” probably wasnt the right answer


*turns on shower*

*gets undressed*

*checks TL real quick*

*floods the entire neighborhood*


The great songs ask the eternal questions: Where have all the flowers gone? How can you mend a broken heart? Who let the dogs out?


*hears someone breaking in*
*grabs gun and walks down hallway*
*cord drags*
*realizes I grabbed Nintendo gun from Duck Hunt*
*gets shot*


Picture me and my boyfriend on a dinner date


We’re sitting on the same side of the table making you uncomfortable