[home depot]
ME: I think I like this huge decorative rock
HER: Boulder
ME: Ok [with confidence] I REALLY LOVE THIS HUGE DECORATIVE ROCK
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stadium announcer: “STADIUM!”
Dad, I’m dating this pillow. It’s called Melanie
“You could do better than this”
You know I’m not good with women
“I was talking to Melanie”
I just saw Madonna climb out of a hollowed out tree trunk in the woods near my house.
Calling a movie “Psycho” ruins the surprise because you know there’s going to be a psycho in it. It should have been called “Normal, Maybe”
[girlfriend sleeping over for the first time]
HER: This is nice.
ME: You need to move to the couch. My dog sleeps on that side.
Raising Twins
Twin 1: *looking at an old photo album* Is this me?
Me: I literally have no idea.
Me: Soooo it’s our 3rd date. Is this when we like, you know, take it to the next level?
Him: Definitely! My place or yours?
Me: I was just hoping to go somewhere a little nicer than 7-11
love how you can hear the crowd constantly forgetting the queen died and singing god save the quing
lawyer: juror number four why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency.
The cool thing about fall is that you completely forget your windows are open when you start losing your shit.
Like, “Hey everyone. Please enjoy the sweet sound of dysfunction radiating from our humble abode.”
FRIEND FROM COLLEGE: After I sold my tech company, I moved to France where I met my wife, Juliette. We have three beautiful kids and run a bed & breakfast in Paris.
ME: Remember how I used to like creamy peanut butter? Now I like chunky
INVENTOR OF CRUNCHY PEANUT BUTTER: *stops smashing peanuts* Well that’s enough of that I think
Wasn’t wearing my glasses at the park and bent down to pet some guy’s gym bag. How’s your night going?!
I always carry a jellyfish with me in case a hot girl wants me to pee on her, but she is too embarrassed to ask.
‘Pardon my French’ -People who you would never pardon and who don’t know any French
My kids are teenagers, and I’ve found the same thing fixes their bad moods as when they were toddlers: a snack and a nap.
why count sheep when I can count my troubles
The repair guy is showing me broken parts from my dryer, and he might as well be showing my dog a wine list
The year is 2035.
The only movies are superhero reboots.
Anyone caught looking up from their phone is fined $100.
Morpheus: You’re The One Neo
Neo: You’re sure?
M: I’ve known for some time
N: *leans in for the kiss*
M: WHOA, that’s not what I meant bro..
There’s a fine line between a mirror and the end of this rolled up dollar bill.
*at my funeral, friends talk around the coffin*
So crazy, just two days ago she was doing good –
*I rise from grave*
I was doing WELL.
I wonder how long until my guy friends figure out I only invite them over to kill bugs for me
Asked my 8yo what I owed her for my doctor’s visit, and she said I should just give her all the money I have
YOU (falling prey to the pathetic fallacy): The sky is angry tonight.
ME (science-loving, dispassionate): Everything is angry all the time.
over-40 lifehack: if you go every 6 months instead of annually, they only give you a semicolonoscopy
Apparently when your wife says “let’s make a baby,” she doesn’t mean assemble an infant from clay and chant The Old Words inside a pentagram
First date idea.
Pick your favorite pizza place, and send one to my house.
🎶 Hey there Delilah… a thousand miles seems pretty far but they’ve got planes and trains and cars 🎶
Guy That Just Waked 500 Miles and 500 More: they have what
i don’t let my toddler use an ipad but she does get to drive when i’m hungover