Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[g/friends dad]
“who in your opinion is the greatest football player of all time?”
Me – [say a real name say a real name] “Football Man”

The city I live in has the highest rate of stalkings in Canada. I told a girl at the grocery store this. Then I told her at the gym.

Oh honey, that’s not “causing a scene”.
Here, check this out…

Stars! They’re just like us! Gaseous and dying

I just had a second grader do an impression of his dad, which included the statement, “I was born in 1990 and I had to grow up watching black and white tv because color tv wasn’t invented yet.”

Sir. 😑

If you carry a clipboard, you can call it “research” instead of stalking.

“what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” oh it’s ok you can just kill me next time

Apparently speed dating doesn’t involve taking amphetamines. UGH.
Worst night ever.

[1st day as chef]
[quiet shouting grows louder as I burst into the dining area covered in lobsters]

Listen, I’m as surprised as you are that I have no murderous ex-lovers, but I was gifted (and/or cursed) with the ability to leave someone so tenderly they’re left thinking it was their idea, and wondering why they ever let me go.

When the lady at the hardware store pointed down and told me my caulk was hanging out, I nearly had a heart attack!

When someone you don’t like is eating them, chips sound like 1000 asteroids smashing into the polar ice caps.

Me: Bless me Father, for I have sinned.
Padre: What is your sin, my child?
Me: Twitter.
Padre: Wow, if I had a nickel for every time . . .

I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.

Some baby on this plane is singing the ABCs all out of order and a guy just shouted “yes girl remix!!”

BOSS: how’s your wife?
ME: still totally not fake
BOSS: what
ME: what

Imagine living in Canada and riding a moose everywhere you go

The bad news is I spent 10 minutes digging in my bag for a comb.

The good news is I found an earring, a penguin, and half a burrito.

Needed to buy a tarp and a saw so I threw in a paintbrush so the cashier would think more home project and less murder

I love rotting in bed. My vision board is just a picture of the grandparents in Willy Wonka

[on phone with mom]
SHE SAID YES!!!!
“congrats, son”
I asked her if she thought I was weird
“Wait what?”
She thinks I’m weird. We broke up

To the teenager that flipped me off for honking at you. Your phone is on top of your car.

If my TV’s so smart then why doesn’t it slap me when I turn on the news?

I don’t know why the principal, the teachers & my daughter are freaking out. I would have loved to have a beer in my lunch when I was 12.

I highly suggest that you do not google that term.

Sorry I used the word flaccid twice in your wedding toast.

It’s weird how obituaries state that someone was “survived” by, say, a son and daughter, as if the deceased hadn’t quite got round to murdering them.

[interview]

What is your greatest strength?

“Throwing my voice”

You’re hired!

“Ok great, thanks”

Wait I didn’t say- oh wow you’re good

doctor: [pulling out anal beads]
me: this is embarrassing
doctor: sorry I should have done it before you arrived