Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Today seems like a good day to wash my hair and take 10 selfies wearing 10 different shirts so I can pretend I look human on a regular basis

Not only are all my tweets stolen, but so are all my thoughts. And everything I say. And my identity. And this baby.

I basically have three hairstyles.
1. Straight
2. Wavy
3. Homeless

People that use abbreviations like ppl, wyd, hmu, and idk – what do you do with all that time you saved?

I wear a stethoscope so that in a medical emergency I can teach people a valuable lesson about assumptions.

It’s rude to say “don’t mention it” when someone thanks you for a favour, instead say “tell no one of this” in a low but urgent voice.

I like to forget Instagram exists for weeks at a time then remember and send 83 chubby animal videos to my best friend.

It’s called courting because you will need lawyers later.

ME: I always get so nervous on flights. Like I know it’s supposed to be safe, but I just don’t understand how something so heavy can stay in the air, you know?

CO-PILOT: The speaker’s still on, Captain.

I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “hey, that one over there is shaped like an alcoholic”.

I hit a curb and my 7yo said, “that curb hit your car.” You know what? I agree because that curb attacked us. It came out of nowhere.

I just drank an entire bottle of wine and feel the urge to help someone with math homework and declare that laundry piles are now furniture.

“How is this grilling you?” – mom’s 44th question

I bought my son a book about bats and halfway through it he shouted out, “WHAT??? BATS ARE REAL?!?!” All this time he thought they were made up for Halloween like ghosts and witches

Shout out to the pack of wolves that raised me to be the lady I am today.

Everybody always says never go to bed angry, but nobody told my husband never let your wife go to Target angry. He learned this the hard way.

I hope that the missing puzzle piece my 5 year old has been searching the house for has nothing to do with my 2 year old’s burp.

If you aren’t tying damsels in distress to railroad tracks while laughing maniacally, your curly moustache is going to waste

*im applying Chapstick and doing curtseys in the mirror*
*dad walks past*
*dad double takes*
*im doing push-ups and drinkin a protein snake*

“I think we should-”
Kiss under the moonlight? omg we finish each other’s sentences!
Hairdresser: was gonna say trim the sides a bit shorter

*after several minutes of searching, the genealogist looks up at me*
it seems that you come from a long line of people who have gotten tragically lost in corn mazes

I just went through the $10 carwash by myself without any kids and it was the best vacation I’ve been on in 4 years.

Me: (accidentally crushes the World’s Smallest Violin)

Guy who owns the World’s Second Smallest Violin: aw yea baby my time to shine

I exercised for a whole hour and a half. It wasn’t all on the same day but still

Ladies, the day after Halloween don’t forget to buy all the discounted blood capsules to keep in your mouth for when men tell you to smile.

wife: honey did you see the new player piano I bought

me: *stops googling can ghosts play the piano* yes I did

Kobe was a legend on the court and just getting started in what would have been just as meaningful a second act. To lose Gianna is even more heartbreaking to us as parents. Michelle and I send love and prayers to Vanessa and the entire Bryant family on an unthinkable day.

I felt like I accidentally rolled my eyes at someone on the tube and they saw me, so I decided to start rolling my eyes a lot, pretending I had some sort of eye problem to try to explain/disguise the first accidental eye roll and they probably think I’m a maniac.

I wonder how many people have moved to Carlsbad, CA just to spite someone named Carl

Her: You smell like alcohol.
Me: awww, you smell lovely too.