Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*rings bell*
“Can I help you?”
Yes I’d like a dragon on my back an-
*starts pooping on a crucifix*
WTF? *checks sign on door*
“Taboo Artist”

My husband and I never take anything for granted. Which is why, after 30 years, I still consider him a flight risk.

7 barges into bathroom while I’m showering, laughs & says “I saw your peanut.”
He either mispronounced a word or made a hurtful observation.

“Alexa, homeschool the children.”

Starting to think North Korea just really hates the ocean.

I did nothing wrong—I tried to do nothing and did it wrong.

when the buffet is more honest than your date

I don’t like the gerbil I become when I’m stuck in a revolving door.

Me *to person next on me on plane* I’m a nervous flyer, I’ll probably scream when we take off

Co-pilot: what

Me, in my teens: *tries a new hobby*

Me, in my 20s: *tries a new career*

Me, in my 30s: *tries a new burner on my stove*

Me texting a friend: I miss you!
Friend: I miss you! What are you doing this weekend? Let’s hang out!
Me: . . .
(one week later)
Me: I miss you!

Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?

Me: I’d say listening is my biggest weakness.

My birth certificate is far and away my most impressive swimming certificate.

This is the weirdest thing I’ve ever typed, but I have had a treadmill for four years and TODAY OUT OF THE BLUE IT TALKED.

Overheard in 2nd grade class today:
“Do your work! Santa’s watching right now.”
“Yeah, my mom told me that ship has sailed for me long ago.”

How about a game where Mario gets a job and gets his coins like the rest of us.

Moderation is good as long as you don’t overdo it.

ABC family: Halloween Harry Potter marathon

Me: love it

ABC: Christmas Harry Potter marathon

Me: I guess there are some Christmas scenes

ABC: Thanksgiving Harry Potter marathon

Me: that’s an amer-

ABC: national girlfriend day Harry Potter marathon

Me: goddammit

911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This pic on IG-
911: Go on.
Me: She said no filter, but-
911: She used one?
Me: YES.
911: Try to stay calm.

OMG… JUST OPENED A CUPBOARD AND ALL MY POSTAGE STAMPS ARE PREGNA-

Oh wait, it’s Ravioli.

I always stand on the weighing scale naked to get the most accurate measurement. People at the gym need to calm down.

The shortest amount of time known to man is what scientists call a “sundae second.” It refers to the period of time between when your child says he is too full to finish dinner and when he asks for ice cream.

My 10 year old:
If nothing is faster than the speed of light, how did darkness get there first?
Me: WHAT?!

Me: I’m feeling really confident right now.

Universe: Humble her.

Just caught a glimpse of myself naked –

Apologies in advance to my coroner

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Oh kids, don’t worry, stories of ghosts and dragons and zombies are all just made up; nobody should actually believe that stuff.

Now go get your shoes on, we’re going to be late for church.

Me: Hey, do you want to –

My 13 Year Old: No.

I have unresolved anger issues with all the pistachio nuts I ever failed to open.

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