Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Day 6 of April vacation: husband and I had this idea that if we get divorced and each marry someone willing to be an involved step-parent, we would have more time to hang out with each other.

First Guy To Compare Apples to Oranges: Apples and oranges are pretty similar.

Other Guy: You’re an idiot. That’s like comparing…well…I don’t even know what, but that’s just stupid. This is why nobody likes you, Carl.

BREAKING: Pluto is once again a regular planet.
“It was always huge & full sized!” said one dwarf planet scientist with a fake mustache.

I like my sentences like I like my women: awkward but with good colon usage and regular periods.

Nah what the hell was going on in the back lmaoo

I’m starting to think my wife is only having sex with me to improve her FitBit stats.

I tried some new stretches, and now I’ve been stuck on the floor for 23 minutes.

Only the dog is happy about this.

Don’t get why guys complain about “sleeping on the couch”

I pay good money to sleep on the couch, but I wish the shrink would shut up.

Me *has read one book all year*

Me *going on a trip for a week* better download 15 books

[stares at baby for almost an hour after I’ve finished feeding him]
Wife: he can’t talk, he’s not going to thank you

Once I get the creative juices flowing, I realize how disgusting that really sounds.

any time someone sends me an email with “best regards” i reply with “bester regards” so they know i take my job seriously

genie: [unloading my dishwasher] this is ridiculous

The last time I did my happy dance I got pepper-sprayed.

When I die, I want to be buried with a few random animal bones so archeologists 1,000 yrs from now will wonder what the hell I was

hawkers unsubscribe page really makes you reconsider

Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.

operators are standing by to ignore your call

My dad: you know how you Love Christmas

12 yo me: yes

My dad: How would you feel about two of them

Canadian Army training is 6 weeks of learning how to throw a snowball.

You’re only as old as you feel, they say. So, 80. Today it’s 80.

no babe, my vegan friends don’t want to meet you for the first time at a place called “the flaming pig”

fellas is it gay to work construction? u need me to clean up a shaft?? ur gonna dump ur load where??? what size nuts do i have?? daddy chill i’m just here to werk

Wasted my annual good hair day at work again this year.

When you’re watching Scooby-Doo and the scary part comes on.

I just opened a Capri Sun in the dark, sup ladies

me when my friends ask me to look after their kids

Just told my sleeping husband I lost two lbs, to which he replied, with his eyes still closed, “I’ll help you find them. We’ll look later”

If a ship travels 24 knots per hour and the trip is five hours then how was there not enough room for Jack on that door??