Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I do my part to help the community by honking and being obnoxious when rich couples driving audi 4wds are surveying “charming properties” along the back roads

airline: you need to pay to check luggage.

passenger: ok i’ll carry it on then.

airline: wow so weird we’re low on overhead space now.

When Kanye rapped “Jesus was a truth seeker, he got crucified/ I bought a moose from a zookeeper, I got moosified”, I felt that

My daughter made such a cute little doll of me. It even has my real hair. She has it surrounded by some candles, and she’s giving it acupuncture to help the sharp pain in my side go away.

From my Mom

Date: I’m looking for security

Me: I double knot my shoelaces

Date: but also excitement

Me: together

Life is like a box of chocolates, you never know what universe you’re in until you see which Spider-Man shows up

I picked up & ate a huge piece of baklava at a coffee shop while standing at the register because I thought they were free samples. I chowed down on that thing in silence while the cashier just stared at me.

My husband is awesome. He just gave me a bracelet that belonged to his grandmother. What does “Do Not Resuscitate” mean?

Never have I ever… rushed out of my house pretending I had to be somewhere & drove around neighborhood to get somebody to leave.

Crayons are a lot like M&M’s. All of the colors taste the same.

A tired woman is a mean woman.

Don’t wake her up from a sound sleep because you can’t find the ketchup.

Now I lay me down to sleep
I hope you like this and retweet
If I should die before I wake
I may have eaten too much cake

Reverse cowboy is when you scatter the herd and actively promote bandits and wolves to take what they will.

my new app automatically cuts wifi access to your teen’s phone if they are in the bathroom over 10min

Before I get busy doing nothing, I am taking a 20 minute break.

“Whaddya say we get together next Thursday and decide what to call these fruits hanging off these palm trees.”
“Ok. It’s a date.”

Fitness coach: have you been exercising & doing push-ups?
*Flashback to me running after the ice cream man & buying all the push-ups* “yes”

Thanks for explaining my tweet to me I was wondering what I meant

When you open your heart to someone, there is blood. Lots and lots of blood. And then you die. So don’t open your heart.

Planning on buying my daughter a Volvo so she’s safe but with a mismatched door so she gets the struggle.

Just saw an amazing deal for Valentine’s Day “You’re My One and Only” cards.. 2 for $5

Police – they really trashed your house, anything missi-

Me – hmmm? No, this is how it always looks

If I was a police sketch artist I would be like “is this the guy?” And they would be like “nope that’s a barn” because I can only draw barns

life finds a way

If you thought the Dalai Lama giggled alot, then you obviously never met the Mwahaharajah

You know your kid is Canadian when she’s watching football and asks why no one is skating

Makes 3 gallons of cranberry sauce so my family can eat 2 teaspoons each.

If u see me talking to myself don’t say nun to me I’m having a staff meeting

INTERVIEWER: Your greatest weakness?
ME: I’m told my laugh is sinister.
INTERVIEWER: Lol. That can’t be true.
ME: Mwahahaha. I know, right.