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FRIEND: How’d family dinner go?
ME: Huge mess to clean.
F: It’s spotless!
M: *sprays luminol* You’d never know they were even here.
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You really only have 2 options:
1. You can be miserable bc you’re fat
2. You can be miserable bc you’re hungry
Me to my husband: Would you like to bring a third into our love making? [my googly eyed hand puppet slides into view]
Without Googling, can you close your laptop, drive to the beach, and throw your phone into the ocean?
BARBER: So what do you do?
ME: I’m a writer, and you?
BARBER:
ME:
BARBER: I’m a barb—
ME: Barber, right, yes.
An unintentionally hysterical ad offering proof why ‘branding’ always needs a second pair of eyes.
Draw attention to your older tweets by being arrested on suspicion of multiple murders.
me: make me the coolest guy
genie: ok all guys are now hotter than u
me: son of a
Our power went out and it’s utterly humiliating how many times I tried to turn on the light so that I could find the flashlights because the power was out
I hate when I have dreams about work. I’m not getting paid to interact with these people on my time off!
King: Good Knight, how fared thy journey?
Knight: ‘Twas long and hard
King: ‘Tis what she proclaimed.
Both: *fist bump*-Medieval Brahs
vacation is not enough i need to run my brain through a car wash
My dog stayed up late playing with the neighbor dog last night and then he slept till 11am and he won’t tell me a thing about her, is this what it’s like to parent a teenager?
Me: Would you like chopsticks or a fork
My son: No thanks
A zombie apocalypse sounds even worse when you consider all those smoke detectors beeping for battery changes.
Hearing an adult say they “don’t understand why the government doesn’t just print more money so people have more” is why we can’t have nice things.
me: omg you’re dying
my phone: wtf the charger is just across the room
me: [crying] I wish I could help
Her: The world is gonna end in 30 minutes!!! 30 MINUTES!
Me *ordering a pizza* yeah this will be tight, for sure
In a few years, when the kids leave home, the wife & I are planning to downsize to a smaller house. She’s told me I’ll need to significantly reduce my vinyl collection – so I’ve started buying up cheap records I don’t want so I can “sacrifice” them when the time comes.
Here’s a video of a guy putting a camera on a sushi conveyer belt. It’s wonderful. Every table has a little story!
One nice thing about my kids sleeping so late in the summer is that I save money on breakfast foods because it’s been completely eliminated from their diets.
I don’t whisper sweet nothings.
I yodel them.
If you’re a home repair guy a good business strategy is to follow guys home from Lowe’s after they buy a power washer and drop your business card in their mailbox.
So I met this hooker who said she’d do anything for ten bucks .
Guess who got his yard cut?
How do u make a Pirate angry?
Take the P out of him.
[being chased by killer]
ME: *frantically pressing crosswalk button*
Serial killers have ruined my opinion of people with three names. Sorry Carly Rae Jepsen your music is great but I dont trust you
Why does laundry happen to good people?
Having kids is like continually cleaning up after a huge party that you didn’t attend.