Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hate it when my wife wakes me up at the crack of dawn just to tell me my alarm woke her up.

SciFi Future:
Everything beeps and blinks.

Actual Future:
How do I make everything stop beeping and blinking?

Therapist sighs, sets down glasses, rubs the bridge of his nose. “For the last time, Christy, eating ham is not a life plan.”

The rare times my cat comes to me for affection, I run and hide under the bed, so she knows what that feels like.

*First bite of pancakes

“This is the greatest food ever!”

*Last bite of pancakes

“In the name of Gru and all his minions I shall never eat this food again”

Stop undressing me with your eyes!!

Use your teeth.

Me: Go wake up your mother.

Son: No way man…no way.

Me: C’mon…please? You’re her offspring…she’s less likely to harm you.

MacGyver finally realized that he just might be overthinking things a bit.

So You Think You Can Peel A Kiwi

No thank you, shower sex. I’ll just step out of the shower and injure myself the old fashioned way.

I just won $50 on a scratch off! Guess y’all know who’s splurging on the whole cashews next grocery trip.

Them: Aren’t you afraid someone will rob and clean your whole house out while you’re gone one day?
Me (looking around at the Cheerios and toys all over the floor): Maybe if I leave the door completely open with a thank you note?

Leonardo: Let’s go rescue April!!
Donatello: Let’s do it!
Raphael: Bodacious!!
Michelangelo: Totally!!
Vincent: *cuts off ear* give her this

If you can read this, you’re standing too close to my iPhone!

Boss: I want only essential employees in the office.

[next day]

Boss [looking at me]: why are you here

Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home.

As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.

handyman: figured out why your cupboard keeps opening

me: *nodding* ghosts

handyman: …this screw is loose

me: ah.

handyman:

me:

handyman:

me: how would a ghost get a screwdriver?

One time I was trying to get a big game to run on an old computer but it didn’t have enough free memory so I compressed the hard drive, twice. That computer never worked again, in case you’re looking for an IT guy.

ME: Hey Alexa, is bread a type of cheese?

Hitman that’s been hiding in my closet: [leaving my house] Ok you have your own thing going on.

Trader Joe’s: What if pumpkin had a baby with everything?

“Home Alone” and “Die Hard” are my top picks for celebrating Christmas in 2020. I’m not talking about movies.

#AmITheOnlyOneWhoEnjoys going to “grodge” sales ?

If there’s anything I’ve learned from Twitter, it’s that men think they hate filters but have no idea when they’re being used.

Me: “God! I hate people!”
God: “Yeah, me too.”

mowed ⅓ of the lawn before my body remembered I haven’t exercised in 40 years

When you feel unsuccessful, keep in mind that there are professional Bigfoot hunters.

i don’t have a lot of great life advice but one thing i can 100% tell you is don’t be the person sending angry drunk texts after midnight

It’s weird that when demons possess people, they rarely seem to speak the same language. It speaks to an underlying problem of managerial disorganization in hell imo

My friends most commonly describe me as “who?”

Once a lap dog, always a lap dog