Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You know you’re getting old when you fall down and wonder what else you can do while you’re down there.

Being in my mid 30s is just constantly worrying that today is the day I get REALLY into model train sets

If you need motivation to workout this evening, Justin Bieber changed his Instagram name to Bizzle. Now go ahead, get out that aggression.

Remember back in the good old days when someome looked at you wrong, all you had to do was call them a witch and POOF problem solved

Me, first week as a volunteer firefighter thinking we only rescue cats: We’re going where?

I admire the guy who named duct tape. He was a marketing genius. He knew naming it abduct tape would be more accurate, but a harder sell.

Finishing up my time machine. Bolting down the flux capacitor now. I’ll start small and go back a couple of seconds just to see if it works.

So did you have a nice,relaxing holiday asked the all people without three kids

ME: I give you all my love and infection.
HIM: Um. Don’t you mean love and ‘affection’?
ME: …
HIM: …
ME: You should get tested.

My stalker twisted his ankle, so now I have to walk slower for 2-3 weeks.

TV shows when an actress is pregnant IRL but not in the show:

Pretty sure this is the only account you need right now➡️@thefunnytweeter

Exactly like a tissue box dispenser, except for cold cuts.

me when the shower won’t work: is this you craig or do I have to call a plumber?
the guy who haunts my house that I have a good relationship with: not me dawg

in high school our gym teacher asked us who we thought the smartest teacher in the school was. we guessed the AP chem teacher, the precalc teacher, the AP physics teacher, etc. he goes, nope, it’s me because I get paid the same as those guys and I play dodgeball all day.

[my wife wants an expensive audi]

ME: instead of buying 1 car for $60k we could buy 2 cars for $30k each

HER: *rolls eyes* oh sure, then why not 3 cars for $20k each?

ME: great point, could even do 4 cars for $15k each

[an hour later]

ME: how about 60,000 cars for $1 each

No, I DON’T know the lyrics. I just want to make the noises.

SCHRÖDINGER: *Kneels down* Hey buddy, so… I have some news about your cat.

SON: Is it good news or bad news?

SCHRÖDINGER: Yes.

I overheard my daughter asking the little boy next door, “Are you the opposite sex, or am I.”

I hope this email finds you. And when it finds you it will make you pay.

Single and childfree like Jesus

FRIEND FROM COLLEGE: After I sold my tech company, I moved to France where I met my wife, Juliette. We have three beautiful kids and run a bed & breakfast in Paris.

ME: Remember how I used to like creamy peanut butter? Now I like chunky

Me: What do mathematicians and marine biologists have in common?

Wife: Oh god

Me: They study algae, brah!

Judge: Divorce granted

I’ve never met a pizza I didn’t want to get personal with.

Unfortunately, I cannot marry my high school sweetheart bc the state does not recognize a union between a woman and a Legolas poster.

Ten bucks says next year Planet Fitness uses the slogan “Flatten Your Curve.”

Can we stop calling it autocorrect and call it what it is… auto-guesstimate-entirely-inaccurately

[Me narrating a documentary on spiders] OH GOD GROSS OH JESUS DISGUSTING THERE’S ONE ON ME RIGHT NOW ISN’T THERE OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD