Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m not saying four kids is too many, I’m just saying it would be kind of cool if I could melt them all down to form one kid, that’s all.

Tapping your wrist is the international sign for “I’m running late”.

Millennial: blank stare

Don’t look at me like you’ve never eaten a turkey leg in the shower

If you want to catch a bus you have to *think* like a bus.

WAITRESS: Would you like to try a quesadilla?
ME: I can barely eat one dilla, let alone a whole case.

I enjoy blaming everything on the time change for the next month. Tired? Time change. Hungry for dinner early? Time change. Ran late for something? Time change. Punched a guy in the face because he’s annoying me? Time change. Left my kids at the goodwill donation drop off? Time change.

Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.

But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.

my five year old was struggling getting his seat belt buckled. He tried multiple times unsuccessfully to get the tab into the buckle and yelled “it’s like they broke up!”

When a zoo animal dies they always call it “beloved” or a “crowd favorite” like there’s some animal named “Jimmy the zebra everyone hates”

“These fries are too crispy” – inventor of the microwave

*rookie cop notices splatter on the wall*

Looks like a hotdog defended itself here and lost.

me to a cat or dog: and are you the best baby? the fluffiest? are you the babiest baby of them all? do you get stopped every day and asked about how it feels to be a baby?

me to a real, human baby: good afternoon. i appreciate your small shoes.

nurse drawing my blood yelled “we have a fainter” like really loud before anything happened which bothered me but then i did faint so it was like okay nevermind fair

Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?

Me: I once asked a man why he was in a wheelchair. Now here I am.

Now I find out my ground hands are actually called feet wtf is going on today

[first date]

him: what’s the one word that best describes you?

me: I’m acerbic

him: I’ve never met anyone from Acerbia

me: no it means I have a sharp tongue

him: I bet that comes in handy when you’re chewing your food

It’s hilarious when movies are like, “you will get training for 2 or 3 months and be the greatest fighter who has ever lived.”

I hate it when people don’t behave the way I thought they would when I rehearsed the conversation in my head.

One time i saw a man eat a whole apple, core and everything. Motherboard and power supply too. The man ate a computer it was horrifying

Me: wow

Wife: *lording over the many amazon boxes* it is a bountiful harvest

I get it, credit cards – I’ve reached my limit too.

teacher: sometimes i think you’re failing spelling on purpose. but what’s the angle

me: that thing with the harp and wings

teacher: never mind

Once again, I have waited till the very last minute to do Christmas shopping. Today I shall battle my fellow procrastinators at the mall. “Here are some socks and underwear kids. I had to shank a woman For these”

Until my 30s I ate the whole Apple, core and all. When people looked surprised, I told them it was healthy; the ‘whole food’. Then my Mum admitted she’d taught me that so I didn’t leave rotting apple cores in the back seat of the car.

My 12yr old just handed me his proofs from picture day but before I could open the envelope he says “First, let me explain”

As an adult you should already know shit like if you’re standing in the rain you should wear a rain coat and if you’re standing in a trench, you should wear a trench coat

“i want a liquid in my mouth but i want it to arrive in a tiny tunnel” – inventor of the straw

Netflix: “Are you still watching? Do you have any hobbies?”

I love it when people use completely innocuous, random objects as an insult but I am no good at it, “you complete and utter mango!” “What a total pillowcase!” See!?