Home improvement paradox: every time you paint the inside of your house it gets a tiny bit smaller but every time you paint the outside of your house it gets a tiny bit larger
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[driving home in silence]
me: all i said was her husband was a really down-to-earth guy
gf: they were lowering his coffin
Y’all ever flex on vampires by just walking into people’s homes uninvited
In my experience, it’s better to make other people suffer for your art.
Say what you want about me but at least I’ve never looked surprised in a selfie
Due to rising prices, Dollar Tree is changing their name to ‘Tree Fiddy’.
me: don’t you dare tell me I’ve had enough
him: sorry, but—
m: *shouting* what kind of barman limits customers to just one?
h: *sighs, pours*
m: finally! I’ll have another one of those delicious cookies too, please
h: now may I go back to giving communion?
Wife fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the floor tonight with the cat.
I get why polyamory is so popular in California. It takes 3 incomes to survive and 4 to have nice things.
[David Attenborough narrating my life]
Once again the young offspring attempts to leave the nest. Once again he has flown into a wall
Meteorologist – Be horrible at you job and no one really cares.
Pizza Delivery Driver – Be five minutes late and people lose their minds!
I just smile when someone says I eat like a horse, because it’s hard to argue through a mouthful of sugar cubes.
Him: I bet you’re good in bed.
Me: Oh hell yeah I am. I sleep solid as a rock!
*bugs bunny*
bunny: stop bothering me
[overhears two people taking about how difficult it is to get into Harvard] *whispers to self* Hardvard
Finally I have an excuse for getting fat, heard on radio about girl who been eating in her sleep … That’s it, I’ve got that !
My whole life I would put old bananas in the trash but when I got married I learned that first they go in the freezer to sit for a long time and then they go in the trash.
Be kind to everyone you meet for you never know who got woken up at 3:20am by a kid who was “just not tired”.
6 year olds be like my best friend is Kevin and Charlie and Emma and Amy and Zach, lol stfu and go learn about superlatives, Tommy.
You’re going to have to be just a tiny bit more specific for me, bud
God bless the parents who volunteer to coach kids sports because I spent 8 minutes trying to teach just my kid a good batting stance and wanted to torch the whole softball field.
Sir Im sorry I rear ended you but I was focused on not accidentally eating a purple jelly bean and you’re handling this really insensitively
Are black guys the ones with big dicks?
Because if so, I think I might be a black guy.
The sexual tension between my tendency to do something stupid and my resolve not to.
If Mother Earth were real she’d leave us all outside the fire station.
Point blank tho, never met a turtle I didn’t like. Sea, snapping, painted, teenage mutant ninja…
VILLAIN: Hello, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expecting-
BOND: OMG congrats! How far along are you?
V: What? No-
B: Have you picked out a name yet?
Actually, Sleeping Beauty is the name of the movie. You mean your favorite Disney princess is Aurora. Though I’m not sure how she can be your favorite if you don’t even know her name.
Woman at Starbucks ahead of me: Please stop correcting my daughter. She’s 5.
me: i hate walking into a room and forgetting why i’m here.. lmao
executioner: just sit in the chair
MARATHON RUNNER: [breaks through ribbon at finish line]
GUY WHO LOVES MARATHONS: Hooray
GUY WHO LOVES RIBBONS: What the shit
[squirrel meeting]
Chief Squirrel: everyone, I suspect someone among us is an infiltrator
Owl: hoo
Chief Squirrel: (solemnly) that’s what we’re trying to find out Owen