Home improvement
but it’s just me replacing the metal tubes in the neighbor’s wind chimes with tampons.
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Girl1: Why are you so happy?
Girl2: I was complimented on my driving today. Someone left a note on my windshield that said “Parking Fine”
I dunno, I guess it started when my parents got married in a gazebo
*sees sister’s facebook post that her dog died*
how do i tell her i love her & i’ll always be there for her
*clicks sad face button*
perfect
Why is “silly goose” a phrase have u ever met a goose they are the most serious and powerful dinosaur lookin monsters I’ve ever encountered not one of them is silly
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
*my boss going around the room to figure out what employees are most incentivized by
Me: FOREHEAD KISSES
[joker voice] one person steals a joke? they’re a joke thief. a scumbag. but a thousand people steal a joke? [smacks lips] that’s a meme
[being beat down with health, family, work issues]
Me: I will remain positive at all times
[my bagel sandwich falls on the floor]
Me: I am going to fire God
E-Cigs. The great taste of water vapor, the cool look of blowing a flashlight.
*starts the dishwasher*
*immediately finds 10 cups and 3 bowls my kids left in their room*
i hope i didn’t end up marrying the smelly kid in school like my husband did
This is Walter. You just threw bubbles at him and he cannot fathom where you got the audacity. 12/10
I shaved my legs and now my socks keep falling down.
Life is hard.
🙁
I blame Johnny Bravo for my body image issues
Exercised.
Burned 94 calories.
Exercise made me hungry.
Ate 940 calories.
Not to say my family is messy but I’ve had two different Roombas escape out the backdoor.
Hair pulling during sex is hot unless the whole wig comes off.
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if people stop by unannounced, it doesn’t look like I adopted a bear with a jug stuck on its head.
I was downtown today on the sidewalk screaming at a plastic bag I thought was a ghost and then I saw you see me and then you crossed the street and now I need to tell you in person I know it wasn’t a ghost so when you hear tapping at your backdoor tonight just come out please.
could a mosquito drink blood out of a cup or something or are they legally required to capri sun my legs all summer
ME: i can’t wait for the game of thrones series finale!
FRIEND: oh i didn’t know you watched game of thrones
ME: i don’t
Me: can I borrow $20?
Friend: No.
*slides him $50*
Me: how about now?
[whispering to my son before he sits on santa’s lap] if you ask him to stop my hair from thinning I’ll let you drive on the way home
[job interview]
“And why do you want to be a fireman?”
So I can fire people.
“That’s not what a-”
*clenching fists* You’re gonna be first.
No, I would NEVER put you on mute
Why do I say “no” to necklaces? Oh, I dunno, maybe it’s because I’m not gonna do fully 50% of a strangler’s job for him.
HANG GLIDER COP: I see a crime happening directly below me
[glides on]
Not much I can do
If my toddler doesn’t stay in bed this time, he’s watching Game of Thrones. I don’t even care that he hasn’t seen the first season yet.