Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I am starving and horny. This cucumber is going in me one way or another.

Stop calling women wild and fierce, unless they’ve bitten someone.

Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will destroy the ecological balance.

friend: ”how’s life?“
me: ”everything’s on track thanks“

the track:

I have enough money to last me for the rest of my life…

Unless, of course, I want to buy something.

[on a test drive]
Me: Haha the heated seat feels like I peed my pants!
Dealer: This car doesn’t have heated seats.
Me: Does it have napkins?

Mom 1: My son’s gonna be a pro baseball player

Mom 2: Mines gonna be a doctor

Me: My son shows strong signs of being able to escape prison

WIFE: It’s either me or th-
ME: He has name
WIFE: OR the goose.
ME: Say it.
WIFE:…
ME: Say his name.
WIFE:…
ME: Why won’t you love Tom Honks

I remember when rollercoasters were fun, not a daily emotional existence.

Me: I can’t handle this
People: Ask for help
Me: Ok, who do I ask?
People: It’s so important to ask for help
Me: Right but I can’t afford-
People: shh you can’t do it alone, ask for help!
Me: How, where, what do I do
People *putting a finger over my lips*: Ask 👏For 👏Help 👏

Just saw a guy at the gym with only 1 arm.

If that’s not motivation, I don’t know what is?

Seriously, I don’t know, I’m leaving…

🎶 Whoa we’re half way there,
Whoa-oh…

9am: Nice try, Amazon, I’m not falling for the Prime Day BS again.

9:22am: *Reading reviews for commercial soft-serve ice cream makers*

I called my girlfriend using my friend’s phone, she picked the call & said “hi sweetheart”, she knew it’s me even when I didn’t speak a word, TRUE LOVE EXISTS. ❤️❤️🥺🥺💋💋😘😘

I ordered the chick on page 3 in the Victoria’s Secret catalog…

But all they sent me was her underwear.

SHARK ATTACKS AT RECORD HIGH

Australia: Lets put nets out to keep bathers safe

USA: Everybody get a shark to protect you from other sharks

Mark my words, but use something erasable cause I change my mind a lot.

Instead of texting “here”, last night one of my friends knocked my front door just like our ancestors used to

*catching up with an old friend* So how’s your gut fauna?

Boss: We’re having a meeting at noon for future managers
Me: Will there be lunch?
Boss: No
Me: I don’t want to be a manager that bad

Freeze tag in the pool ended badly.

Tom Holland’s nemesis is Jerry Amsterdam

“My New Years resolution is to become the guy that tries to start a conversation with you as you leave the room”, I’ve been saying to all my co-workers when they start to leave the room.

[I time travel to 1998]
Guy: This is the first showing of Mulan, how does that dude in the front row already know the words to all the songs

I made all my money in the 80s selling Rubik’s Hammers. They were for b****-a** Cubes that thought they were smarter than you.

Me: “When’s your birthday”
Him: “here you go with that zodiac sign stuff”

Actually I just wanna check the court websites

“Describe yourself in three words”

“Lazy”

Transformers: Human Centipede was a bit disappointing…
⭐☆☆☆☆

I’m currently on a really effective diet called “I only have twenty dollars until payday”.

Demon: So, we’ve got some mayonnaise and potatoes and a few other random things.

Satan: Excellent. Now mix them all together and call it a salad.