Home is where the bag filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags is.
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*calls mom*
“Ma I made 3 friends on twitter today”
*long pause*
“Mom?”
*mom stares at 3 fake twitter accounts she made, fights tears*
“Mom?”
Trying to keep the riff raff away.
People complain about spam e-mail but it provides a valuable service. If every e-mail I got was actually important and required a response? I think that might break me
I talk in my sleep according to my phone bill.
Don’t tell me I’m not charitable. This weekend I gave away a lawn mower, a grill, and a full set of patio furniture.
My neighbor is PISSED.
One minute you’re young and carefree and the next you’re stuck on a park fence you thought you could still jump over 😬🤭
Let hot neighbour guy park his truck in my driveway, if ya know what I mean 😏😏
*I mean there’s construction on our street
Little kids are like sponges: always damp, little bits of food stuck all over them, faint smell of mildew…
JESUS (hitting snooze): Just three more days.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is walk
“Walk. W-A-L-K. Walk”
JUDGE: [pulls off mask to reveal he is a dog] I KNEW IT! *glares at owner*
Triscuits are a good snack if you’ve already eaten all the other snacks in your house and the boxes they came in and your own hands
[pet store]
Me: do you have any marmosets?
Clerk: no we don’t sell—
Me: okay, just one marmo then
The Dark Web implies the existence of a Medium and dare I say Blonde Roast Web.
Interviewer: Can you explain the gap in your CV?
Me: I spent 6 hours formatting it in Google Docs and you’ve opened it in Word.
My boss on Zoom: “Joe you been quiet today. Do you want to say anything?”
Me: “Betty White passed away so she could come back as Rihanna’s baby”
My boss: “Gang that’s my fault I should know better”
Twitter: Where if the chemistry’s good, the geography won’t be..
*sends love letter to boyfriend*
*awaits his reply by mailbox everyday*
*receives text with 👍*
*writes letter to IRS about his tax evasion*
99 bottles of beer on the wall?
Challenge accepted
It could take a lifetime to show someone how much you care, but only 2mins if you stuff them in your trunk
If you’re out of wallpaper, you can always resort to using a few rolls of duct tape for that nice silver look.
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
[after drug rehab]
Jon Arbuckle: Hey Garfield
Garfield: *normal cat noises*
Ordered a honey bee kit off Amazon. Can’t wait to tell my co-workers all the benefits of honey that I Googled right before telling them.
normalize wrapping all foods in cloth to allow for noiseless midnight snacking
SON: can I yell bomb at the airport
DAD: no
SON: I can yell boom
DAD: boom’s ok
SON: how about “my mom’s a lesbian now”
DAD: please don’t
Spent the day dressed as a bee, gently bumping myself against my neighbor’s sliding-glass door. Got the hose twice.
*eats Big Mac meal*
*has two ice cream cones for dessert*
*drives by gym**wonders why new diet and fitness plan isn’t working*
I bought a high-tech mop and I’m very excited about it. Not so excited that I’m going to throw up, but it wouldn’t be a problem if I did.
Never give your address or date of birth to anyone on social media.
Armed with this information, they could show up at your birthday party.
[Speed date]
Me: How many taco trucks are in close proximity to your house?
Him: I uh… I don’t…
Me: NEXT