Home is where the bag filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags is.
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I am always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank.
3: [eating] I want Pirates of the Caribbean
me: yeah, well people in hell want ice water
3: [smiling] I already got ice water
When I die I want to be dressed like a scuba diver and placed on top of Mount Everest to confuse the climbers
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
Why are you wearing that outfit again?
Me: Because I paid for it and I have a washing machine
It’s called a “Monte Cristo” sandwich because one day it will return disguised as another sandwich & seek its revenge
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
Science Teacher: outside these walls, there are bullies. but in the classroom, there is only science
[I smile and look into my microscope where an amoeba flips me off]
Let’s walk and talk.
You go that way.
Drank enough whiskey to talk the husband into a Titanic reenactment. He’s laying in the snow and I won’t share the picnic table with him.
Imagine trying to explain Captain America: Civil War to Abraham Lincoln.
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and saw the hundreds of pictures you’ve taken of them sleeping..
apart from It’s ok
what other death threats
do women use?
What if I made a cactus delicious?
– pineapple inventor
To borrow a biblical term, couldn’t the quest for a Covid-19 vaccine be called “the road to de-mask us?”
Why do they call her “Grumpy Cat” and not “Sourpuss?”
“Did he just do that by himself?” 🛹 🐈 😎
🔊 Sound up
I can’t bend my pinky without my ring finger bending as well..is this normal?
Let’s hear your results ’cause I know you just tried it.
Something Saturday.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have super vision
professor x: oh?
mom: stop talking to strangers
*Middle of dinner*
My kid: Can I have a snack?
A dating app to meet other people with low IQ called OK Stupid
[at my funeral]
puppeteer looks over at my wife: I’m so sorry, it was in his will
[i sit up in the casket]
[2019 USA]
“Where are you from?”-Trumpsylvania, how about you?
“North Trumpkota”
I need a hobby so I think I’m
gonna start calling the phone numbers on missing cat posters and just “meow” at whoever answers
I followed this woman on a bike with an empty baby seat for a half a mile yelling, “your baby jumped out!” before she gave me the finger.
Robber: Give me your valuables
Me: *hands him piece of paper*
Robber: What’s this?
Me: My Netflix password.
Canadian Army training is 6 weeks of learning how to throw a snowball.
my friend told me on first dates i should just “be myself” and “be confident” and i was like “ok but which one?”