Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Follow, because I write books and you imagine I will impart great wisdom to aspiring writers. Unfollow, because I mostly tweet about squirrels and the dead mouse I found in the basement that one time.

I don’t remember my password, so I’ll just start my hundredth new account.

-Everyone’s mom

I just caught myself saying “oh this is a nice spatula” while shopping at Target & now I want to hit myself in the face with it.

idk much about capitalism but taylor swift should create a line of nebulizers for her asthmatic fans called inhaler swift.

“WAIT!” I screamed at my daughter as she typed Y-O-U on my computer but miraculously the autocomplete added “TUBE” so yeah, God exists.

How you conduct yourself when using plastic wrap is the real you

There is no worse place to receive bad news than sitting in a beanbag chair.

There is no longer any distinction between Nicolas Cage’s movies and Nicolas Cage’s life.

a swear jar, but for using the word “nuanced”.

It’s such bullshit when someone tweets something and gets like 50 stars and RTs then I tweet the exact same thing verbatim and get no love.

Couch Potato: Do you think I’m fat?

Sweet Potato: I think you’re beautiful.

Baked Potato: Why do we have eyes that can’t see?

Saw a few feral dads at the grocery today. They’d lost their shopping lists and didn’t have phones. Store staff were attempting to feed them without being bitten.

Babies make for the worst pets ever, I try to explain to all of the expectant mothers at the grocery store.

The worst feeling is when you miss someone but you can’t even tell them you miss them because they are a pizza.

Me: *eating a Mars bar*
Martian: Good grief where will I obtain alcohol now

Anything you say can, and will, be repeated in public

– young children

Tonight I found out that my husband applies body lotion to his legs “cricket style” which involves applying lotion directly to his legs and then just… rubbing them together. Like a cricket

“Check, please!” – Me, at a restaurant begging the waiter to make sure there are no monsters under the table

me: if i had a time machine i’d eat dinner again

friend: so go back for seconds?

me: no probably longer than that

My dad’s shop teacher cut off another finger while demonstrating how he accidentally cut off the first one. It reminds of the second time I got married.

I’m getting arthritis in my pinky finger which is making it painful to drink tea in my upper-class social circles.

My insurance rates went way down after I legally changed my middle name from Danger to Robert.

Falling in love is like diving into a tin of marshmallows, then hitting your head on the bottom.

[driving]

Me: I don’t know where we are.

3-year-old: I do. We’re in the car.

If you send me a voice note exceeding 20 seconds, I will consider it a podcast and not listen to it.

How do I mute or block this account called “Promoted?”

[visiting southern France]

Me: This is Nice

Wife: It’s pronounced Nice

Me: I said Nice

Wife: No, you said Nice

Me: Nice

Wife: Nice

*69 minutes later*

Me: Niiiiiiice

[blood donor clinic]

dracula: can i order a pint please?

her: I like a confident man

me *maintaining eye contact*: worcestershire

I listen to Ed Sheeran in the same way I stuff an entire cupcake in my mouth over the sink hoping no one will see.