Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I could tell you the story of breaking my arm sledding but be warned, it goes downhill fast.

After dieting for a week and losing nothing, I cheated one day and gained a pound. Follow me for more reasons to run into a brick wall head first.

Update on Dad Watching Discovery Channel: he just muttered “you son of a bitch” to a Hippo who chased off the lesser-dominate Hippo he liked

what are these things called my boss calls them “if you call me in here to take those off your fingers again you’re fired”

the worst part about lockdown is thinking of all those Pokémon outside just waiting to be found

The Avengers were horrified until they realized most of the people who disappeared when Thanos snapped his fingers were people who don’t realize turn signals exist.

I keep my eyes in great shape by rolling them constantly.

No matter how much you drink Michael Bay is still somewhere directing a “Transformers” movie.

I have almost 120,000 miles on my office chair.

A male goth is called a broth.

whenever i see deer hanging out too close to the road i will slowly drive by, roll down my window, and say “you guys are being insane..” they usually just stare and dont say anything back but i can tell they’re utterly embarrassed

Forever in awe of dads who eat at buffets like they have a personal vendetta against the owners. They’re out there trying to bankrupt those guys by getting 14 plates of orange chicken

I’m under the weather today, also so is everyone else, that’s how weather works.

Just ate potatoes so good I finally understand the centuries of warfare between England and Ireland. The English wanted their potatoes.

The Amazon toy catalogue came to the house and my kids have already run up a 3 million dollar Christmas list tab.

Dog owners: this is my precious angel boy who I payed $3,000 for last November and I finally got to take him today he’s my everything and all
Cat owners: this is my trash gremlin she was stuck in the gutter across the street and I lured her out with shrimp on a string

5: There’s a werewolf in my closet.
Me: Nah. Werewolves don’t live in closets.
5: Where do werewolves live?
Me: Um…warehouses.

PlayStation: Install update?

Me: what update

PlayStation: NOT MUCH DATE, WHAT’S UP WITH YOU?

Hypnotist: you’re getting very sleepy

Me, at any hour of the day: how did you know?

Moms have an amazing superpower: we can speak at full volume without anyone hearing us.

“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.

Day 2.
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.

Day 3.
I know! I’ll just surprise her with toast and jam.
12: I don’t like that.

Just heard that distinct “baby fell out of the crib and into a pizza that was on the floor” sound

My body treating me like we’re in a relationship by giving me weird little surprises even after 37 years.

I don’t think that she is afraid of that tiny cockroach…

… I think she just need an excuse to stand on top of furniture & scream at me.

are there any atheist mantises?

came home to find the cat drunk again. the dog of course said nothing.

My cell phone fell in the pool…now I know what it feels like to have someone you love drown.

Going as a hashtag for Halloween so everybody ignores me.

How to Feel Comfortable in Your Own Skin
Step 1: Stop wearing other people’s skin