Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I believe in healthy eating so today I’ll be making a Cadbury egg omelet.

I’m not saying white uniforms on kids for sports was invented by Big Laundry but I’m not NOT saying it either.

People are so fake how can you love your newborn baby when you met it like 2 minutes ago and don’t know anything about it

My date telling me that I reminded her of her father would have made me feel much less uncomfortable at dinner than it did the next morning.

Me: I swear you’ll be the death of me

Murderer: lol

Me: I hope people will come visit my skeleton after I die

Them: OH MY GOD will you just say “cemetery”

I can almost always tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs!

this isn’t my first rodeo

– what my 5yr old just yelled as he wrote “rodeo” for the 2nd time

I hate it when healthy me does the groceries, because now fat me needs a snack.

Son: the tooth fairy didn’t leave me any money
Me, forgetting he put a tooth under his pillow because I was up playing Fortnite until 4am: yeah I’m afraid she died

Him: I gave up drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
Me: I gave up.
Drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year

I’m really disappointed in Shaq for not having his own tequila called Shaquila.

Want to lose weight for the Summer? Don’t worry, simply check-in your bags here. That’s 23 kilos you’ll never see again.

no caffeine: day 6

-sleeping better
-stable moods
-less anxious
-can’t think straight
-i’m exhausted
-3 people are dead

I’ve seen or heard about Batman’s parents’ death so many times I feel like an accessory to murder for not going to the authorities.

ACCEPTABLE RISK

Age 12: My parents could find out!
Age 21: This’ll either get me high or kill me!
Age 45: That might get stuck in my teeth.

I try to compartmentalize, but then I remember that’s how they built the titanic.

facebook users be like “my page is NOT a safe space!” yeah of course it isn’t you just tagged 43 people in a post that very clearly leads to a phishing site

[shows up 2 hours late for interview]

Sorry I was trying to get out of a beanbag chair.

Parents these days take their kids to the E.R for scraped knees and paper cuts..

When I was 11 I died and my mom told me to walk it off

i’m cautious about following people back these days because i follow when they look normal and next week they’re banging horses

First cup of coffee: “This feels nice.”
Second cup of coffee: “I’m gonna go straighten that palm tree.”

*Frantically checks the time*
OMG I THINK I’M LATE oh wait that was yesterday

My dog just came downstairs and made me go back to bed like he’s in charge of me or something.

Anyway, I’m back in bed now if anybody needs me

“girls just want to have fun” no. i want one million dollars cash

If my body was covered entirely in eyeballs, I still couldn’t look at you enough.

*me being romantic*

Everyone pointing out that it’s suspicious how many AI tools are free, it’s because building a tech company these days 100% revolves around giving people your product for free/at an extreme discount until they forget how to function without it, then closing the jaws of the trap

Me: I think some people are just birds in disguise

Friend: Haha, can I tweet that?

Me: *narrows eyes* Can you what

Autoerotic asphyxiation? No thanks, I’m not much of a car guy.

How do I know it will be a full moon tonight?
Exhibit A and Exhibit B.

*points to 2 ferocious beasts who keep calling me “mom”*