Home is where the heart is, and hopefully it’s where all of the other vital organs reside too.
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My wedding vows said “till death do us part.”
My wife died, so I was a free man.
Then she came back and bit me.
me: are you checking me out
librarian: yes
Bad news world, my biker gang ‘The Sons Of Panicky’ are finally back out on the streets and oh my god the traffic is SO heavy, maybe we should go back and try again tomorrow
Kinda pissed that I have to take my dog to the vet and not the dogtor.
*Big Bad Wolf sees 3 little pigs planning to build houses of straw, lumber and brick
*buys stock in Home Depot
my landlord is angry because I put an entire suit of armor down the laundry chute again
My doctor asked if anyone in my family suffers from mental illness. I said, ‘No we all seem to enjoy it.’
Today’s spelling lesson:
On the lam: escaping from policeOn the lamb: escaping from life’s woes with a delightful sheep ride
“Wow, haha, this is awkward. I didn’t think anyone was home. Uh…oh well…bears gotta maul…amirite?”
I wanted something old and soft to wax my car, so I used Grandma.
“I was being bad last year and I STILL got presents from Santa Claus.”
-My 4yo completely embracing the Dark Side
Me: Can we discuss my X-ray?
Doctor: We can try, but I never met him
Bugs Bunny taught me my choices aren’t limited to fight or flight, I can also pretend I’m a pretty lady.
My 3-year-old said she wished we had a pet. I reminded her we have a dog and wow the genuine surprise on her face as it dawned on her that our dog is a pet and not just some other guy who lives here.
Tell me again why was it necessary to dress as Snow White & bring a basket of eggs to the delivery?
HULK WANT LOAN
Bank: We can’t loan to people like you.
GREEN PEOPLE??
*flips table into moon*Bank: People owing 2.6B in property damage.
COP: I need to see some ID
ME: [hands him ID]
COP: this isn’t yours
ME: you said “some”
COP: lol wow good point you’re free to go
Her: I want you to kill my ex but make it seem like an accident
Me: say no more
[Later]
Detective: looks like the killer beat him to death with a crowbar and then placed a banana peel by his feet
sorry to the aisle people but window is so unbelievably superior….I am gazing upon the universe from heights pilgrims only dreamed of and you are just….closer to the poopoo room. A place I already go all the time.
Pretty sure these are the same ingredients in my shampoo.
-me, reading the Pringles can.
Lady Doritos was my favorite character in Macbeth
I wanted to make my apartment feel more like a hotel, so I charged myself $40 for a cheese plate and watched the second half of Gladiator
I really love how squirrels get extra chubby heading into winter mostly because it’s super relatable
Everybody’s partner buys a new vacuum cleaner when the filter gets dirty, right? Just mine?
ME: you really put the cute in executione-
WARDEN: alright hit the switch
I like mascarpone cheese. It sounds like the sort of cheese that would have ruled organised crime in 1920’s Chicago with an iron fist.
[Brings date home]
O geez did I leave all my rare, holographic Pokemon cards out on my bed again? Guess we’ll just have to lay here & battle
People who hate candy corn love telling you.
ME: where’s Jim
GUY: your guess is as good as mi—
ME: the moon
GUY: ok no
A couple approaches on the beach. He calls her “Allison.” I write, “Marry me, Allison,” in the sand and hide. And now we wait.