Home is where the h…ell did I put my car keys?
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[1st date]
So, what’s your back story?
“I have scoliosis”
No, I mean your BACK STORY, like your history
“Oh! I got scoliosis as a child”
Would you eat from the Hummus Truck?
Don’t follow your dreams, I did once and ended up naked in the supermarket.
my lawyer: so, you wish to be cryogenically frozen & you are not to be unthawed until somebody kills that big spider in your bathroom?
me, eating a corn dog: that’s correct, your honor.
When your boss says “You need help”, he never means a hitman.
The folks who write fragrance commercials must be like “I had the weirdest dream, Imma put it on TV.”
After Sting retires he should change his name to Stung why are you still reading this
WHAT????? IS HAPPENING WITH THESE NEW SPAM BOTS
“Parkour!”- What I yell after jumping up onto a chair to get away from a scary little mouse.
What do you mean I can’t get a refund on this broken lamp?
Ma’am you bought it from my yard sale a year ago! *slams door*
WTF IS AN ACRONYM
You’ve won this round supervisor, but accidentally leave your Ok Cupid profile open one more time and you’ll be a transgender time traveler.
Me: can we stop by my house so I can grab my pillow & my phone charger? It’s like 10 minutes from here
Arresting officer: no
Aries: You will dance on your enemy’s grave this week, finishing 3rd in the grave dancing contest.
tad speechless. husband just woke me up from my football nap by holding a warm piece of pizza under my nose until the smell got me sniffing and twitching like a dog. “I can’t believe that worked”
*waits for someone to have sex with me so I can use the ‘sex with me is like’ joke format*
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Please, call me Yuri, let’s get right to it, have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Yes, I stole a penny from my mom’s swear jar, it was the Crime of the Cent, Yuri.
@ConanOBrien My friend is an EMT and would do well at Trivia Mornings because…you guessed it…she is a first responder.
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
ADIDAS: All Day I Dream About Sellingfeetpics
Sorry my ringtone of NSYNC’s Bye Bye Bye went off during the funeral
Casper is not only the friendliest, but the most emotionally available ghost. His life is an open boo.
In the street today, an unattractive woman asked for my number, so I gave her a fake. Still feel a bit guilty, as I’d just totaled her car.
If you didn’t want me gazing in your bedroom window then you shouldn’t have put it at the same height as my ladder.
On the next “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I investigate how there aren’t enough hangers for the clothes we washed when they were on hangers before we wore them.
My dog just winked at me, and now I’m wondering just exactly what the two of us are keeping from the rest of the family.
My kids have started saying things to us like “You’re 41 now, you should be able to sit through dinner”. Touché kids, touché.
me: do you want to feel my face, i’m very handsome
blind date: you do know i’m not actually blind, right?
me: *stuffing ryan gosling bust back into my bag* yes of course
Valet parking is cool because obviously I didn’t spend the last five years meticulously fine-tuning the positions of my seat, steering wheel, and mirrors, by all means please do just shove everything wherever you want it for the one minute you’ll be driving my car
Optometrist: Any questions about laser eye surgery?
Me: How big of lasers will my eyes shoot?
Him:
Me:
Him: How much money do you have?