Home is where the tap water doesn’t taste funny.
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Me: Forever young!
Persistent middle age chin hair: lol nope.
Muscle pulled when reaching for the tv remote: hahaha.
Him: I eat healthily
Me who has just learned the word ditto and can’t wait to use it: say something else
ME: *as a surgeon* What’s the worst that could happen? Your nose buzzes & we put all the pieces back & start over…Where are you going?
I haven’t showered I’m wearing my clothes from yesterday I will undoubtedly run into someone I know at the store as I run in for milk.
Wife: You’ll never guess what I got you for your birthday.
Me: A 3-way with your sister?
Wife: *storms out
Me: omg did I ruin the surprise?
Co-worker: What’s the difference between astronomy & astrology?
Me: Approximately 50-60 IQ points.
When Ted Cruz kisses a baby, its parents have to throw it out and start over.
In space, nobody can hear you scream for ice cream. So remember, before trips to colonize the galaxy bring your Ben & Jerrys.
[Signing waiver for the show Cops]
No no, you don’t have to blur my face but how about a sweet mustache?
THEM: in 186 days an asteroid is going to collide with Earth
EVERYONE ELSE: *screaming*
ME: *deletes MyFitnessPal app*
It doesn’t matter how hard I try, I just don’t seem to be going anywhere in life
Hamster therapist: Sounds like you’re in a vicious circle
STEVE: you misspelled my name
ME: Oh uh it’s a joke
LATER, TO STOVE: I’ll make you another cake when he leaves
For sale: Safe word. Sadly, never used
I took my dad to the gym with me today. The man clocks a mile on the treadmill before I could hit the Start button.
I’m not taking him with me again.
Assuring my wife that we are just meaningless organisms in a bleak, indifferent world doesn’t seem to be helping her get over her bad haircut.
Misery loves company,
and apparently that’s why my parents invite me over every Thanksgiving weekend.
“that’s not actually your good side” look wal mart photographer I don’t have the energy for you to do me like this today
Everyone says “Do what makes you happy”, until you push them down the stairs.
It’s not illegal to get in a taxi and scream until you’ve reached your destination.
Met a girl last night and went back to her place. I noticed in her wardrobe that she has a nurses outfit, maids outfit and a policewomans outfit, so I made my excuses and left.
If she can’t hold a job down she isn’t the girl for me.
Saw a store that has a sign that reads, “We treat you like family!”
Yup, NOT going in there.
Fast and Furious 75: Tricked out motorized scooter racing in the assisted living bingo hall.
A man just shouted at me until I answered his questionnaire on christianity. He scared the b) Jesus out of me.
Him: So whattayou wanna do?
Her: I dunno
Him: So…You wanna play video games?
Her: No!
Him: So…You wanna watch me play video games?
I’d make an excellent cavewoman because I can finger paint and light fires.
Can you teach a self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house?
Ever get up, put the dogs out, unclog the overflowing toilet the wife left for you, get dressed for work, let the dogs in and then wake up in the easy chair and find you’re 20 minutes late?
Just me?
who called it a motorhome and not a casa roll
I’ve always wondered if my toddler liked me or my husband better.
But I just heard her say, “Oh shit, Daddy’s home” so at least I know she’s on my side.