Home is where the tap water doesn’t taste funny.
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Computer: Are you sure you want to trust this printer?
Printer: *shifty eyes*
For sale: car. Does not stop. You will have to jump in as I jump out. I have been driving this car for three years. Please help me
They say a long, tight hug releases endorphins to make you feel calm and happy.
I think the guy in front of me at this DMV would disagree.
me: hey it smells like upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling in here
therapist: what’s upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling?
me: haha right on, cya guys
wife: wha-
therapist: omfg he’s so smooth why would you ever wanna leave him?
Was shocked last week when my son said he’s getting married to a girl in his class.
Yesterday he won a running race agaisnt her and the wedding is probably off now
Being 6 is rough man!
Grocery clerk: sir please stop
Me: *smashing eggs with my fist* none of these are ripe
The movie Speed, except this bus driver apparently thinks we’ll blow up if he goes over 15 mph.
OCCAM’S RAZOR: Simpler solutions are more likely to be correct than complex ones.
OCCAM’S LAZER: pew pew
Husband: “Let me use your phone a minute.”
Me: (Feeds phone to a pelican)
[hijacking a hot-air balloon] i have scissors
I think everyone should get to vote which family member should get shot with a bow and arrow
Aries: You will dance on your enemy’s grave this week, finishing 3rd in the grave dancing contest.
ME: *rolls up sleeves* time to fix the sink
WIFE: *rolling her sleeves back down* what is wrong with you just fix it
Oh I can’t, my doctor said I should cut back on people.
White guy in horror movie: I think we should split up.
Me, antisocial: Solid move, Thad.
I see your Full House and I raise you 3 episodes of Home Improvement.
-Me, not knowing how to play poker, but loving 90’s TV
whoever designed giraffes was extremely high
me: sometimes I don’t do dishes for so long I’m completely out of silverware, so when I finally do them I have no reference fork and can’t remember where they go. Despite going in the same place for 5 years.
guy just trying to mug me: did you say “reference fork”?
men’s fashion peaked in 1838
My favourite kid I ever taught when I was a swim teacher was this little 4-year-old Italian boy. One time he sneezed and nobody said anything so he just went “what? No bless yous for Giacomo?”
Before you start your artisanal candle business ask yourself: does the world need one more lychee-scented soy candle? Or even one?
8: Miss will you watch this video I really love at lunch?
Me: absolutely tell me what it is –
8: and I think we’ll all be getting used to the swears in it
Me: honey, I’m not watching anything with swears in the school
8: please? There’s only like three or four!
Some song titles sound better when you replace “girl” with “squirrel.”
Case in point: “Jessie’s Squirrel.”
#OnMyPetsChristmasList
More red dots please
#IsStrangerThanStrangerThings
A groundhog taking the wheel
New neighbor: Hi. It’s nice to meet you.
Me: It’s nice to meet you too. This is my daughter, 9
Neighbor: What’s your Twitter @
Me: DAMMIT
The worst thing about coming home from a trip isn’t unpacking, it’s the looming threat of nuclear war
Experts say we may be as little as two days away from finally leaving the March Age. The next epoch is provisionally being called “April,” and is also expected to last 5-10 million years.
I hate when I miss the garbage truck and just have to throw trash in the neighbors hot tub again