Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I bought myself hot pink earbuds so my son would quit stealing them and now my wife stole my earbuds.

How many people in America do you think I can trick into believing that Brexit is the name of one of Sarah Palin’s kids?

Fool me once shame on you fool me 27 times you’re a piece of lint on the floor disguised as a bug

*naked in boots*
Omg I’m gonna win this Shrek costume contest

My family is “sick of all the same old meals” so I’ve compiled this delicious list with all their other suggestions:
1.
2. I mean, whatever.
3.
4. No. Not that.
5.
6. I don’t really care.

Sorry I called your baby ugly

I should have just gave the more socially acceptable “Aww.. looks just like you!”

[SETI receives extraterrestrial signal from 95 light years away]

[scientist decodes message in the signal]

“enough…with…the…Harambe…jokes”

[working late]

ME: I’m starting to fall asleep.

CO-WORKER: When that happens to me, I slap my cheek really hard. You should try it.

ME: *smacks him in the face* You’re right, I feel better.

Advice tip for people: 1 stick hand in glue 2 stick hand in feather 3 now you are like bird. Impress your friend.

Apparently this dude at the mall was just tying his shoe and did NOT want to play leap frog. My bad, dude. My bad.

I hate when I give people nicknames like “stupid face” on my phone and I cant remember who the stupid face is.

Poor Charles. Imagine being 73 years old and getting your first job.

Her: I need a funnel
Me: well that narrows it down

Him: What’s your baby’s name?
Her: Angel of Death
Him: err..
Her: ..it’s from the Bible.

If you’re not part of the solution, you must be on Twitter

My life is like a Disney movie in that I’m grumpy, dopey, sleepy, and sneezy most of the time and I once got caught brushing my hair with a fork

Beards are a privilege, not a right

My ancestry DNA results came back: 100% German pancake batter

Before the “accident” they were Duran Duran Duran

My wife is hilarious

We’ve been trying to get ahold of our sons daycare corporate for 4 months and they literally do not answer phones or email

She applied for a job and when they contacted her for an interview she asked to be transferred to the person we needed to talk to

Sometimes I think about when I told my 10 year old he could be like me when he grew up because I was trying to be cool and he said YAY, I GET TO LAY ON A HEATING PAD ALL DAY

[yard sale]
Cop: We’re here to question you about your neighbor’s missing…is that a gun? We’re going to have to take that.

Me: *pulls out sack* Ok but you have to take the lamp with blood on it too. No haggling.

neighbors are automatically creepy because they’re strangers who know where you live

I hope I’m not overthinking this.

(six days later)

Nah I’m probably not.

Damn, Starbucks. Not only do you spell my name completely wrong AND screw up my order, but on my way out some woman keeps calling me a thief

I practice social distancing by wearing my murder clown costume when I’m out in public.

If your last name is Brown, naming your kid Encyclopedia, is a pretty boss move.

You could completely eliminate the semicolon key and 90% of America wouldn’t notice… until they needed to wink at somebody.

The funniest thing about Batman is that he legitimately doesn’t give a shit about crime that happens during the day.

“Some people put a ton of research into their fantasy football team but I don’t get crazy with it” -my bf using two monitors with 3 spreadsheets and 10 tabs open