Home is where your toilet is.
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[father & son looking up at the night sky—observing starlight from millions of yrs ago] son, the most important thing in this world is money
“Are we there yet?”
“ Ha ha! Yes, kids. We’ve been here the whole time! We live in this car now.”
Have you ever been so hungry you’ve eaten fruit
I thought the brakes on my car were squealing but it was just a Mariah Carey song on the radio.
When my girlfriend makes me angry, I look at her through the fork and pretend she’s in jail. It heals me spiritually
Mans got denied a plate and walked off. 😂😂😂
Ever look at someone and automatically get a headache..
GF (from 2nd floor window): either the trampoline goes or I go!
ME: It
…was
…nice
…knowing
…you
Nice that I’ll hear “Just a little prick” today because I’m giving blood samples and not from some random person replying to my tweets for once.
I won’t believe Johnny Depp is engaged until I’ve seen he’s put a ring, 90 bracelets, 7 scarves, a fedora and an ugly pair of glasses on it.
Probably the worst thing you can do when your wife gives you a disapproving look from across the room for being on your phone is finish typing this.
My 2-yr-old has a toy phone that she pretends to talk on.
She looked right at me and said “hewwo?” into the toy phone.
I grabbed my phone and said, “hello, Isla! This is Daddy!”
She then said, “Isla not home” and hung up on me.
NEWS: 1.3 million people die in car accidents a year
ME: [driving with my knees so I can put two hands on my burger] that’s hard to believe
[Quarantine]
Day 1: I love the way your nose wrinkles when you’re happy.
Day 6: do you notice when you crack your toes like that?
Day 13: IT’S CALLED EATING NOT COMPETITIVE JAW CLICKING STFU WITH YOUR FACE NOISES
despite threatening a hummingbird this morning I really do love nature.
Can’t sleep because I keep finding exciting opportunities to get pissed off.
Moving to a new house-
Everyone: “congrats! That’s so exciting! Yay! Great news!”
My dad: “how’s the water pressure?”
Let’s ask the Ouija board a question. Is my wife’s meatloaf good? *pointer moves to NO* You see, Debra? No I did not move it myself
[blood bank]
Doc inserts needle
[turns around]
YOU AGAIN!
[vampire sucking on tube like straw]
GO ON SCOOT
[chases him from room with broom]
Sorry pregnant ladies, all of your 3D ultrasounds look like Gollum in an Ikea lampshade.
Mouthwash is too spicy!
*waters it down with Mayonnaise*
Name please
“Yo-Yo Ma”
Your full name
[quietly] “Yoghurt-Yoghurt Marmalade”
“I guess we should make them sound like a space shuttle is taking off during an a-bomb explosion.”
-person who invented hand dryers
what if in airbud they put the dog in and they didnt win that coach would feel stupid
[eye doctor’s office]
receptionist: do you have vision insurance
me: yup *hands over card*
receptionist: this is your health insurance card vision is separate
me: but my eyes are in my body
receptionist:
me: and they’re unhealthy
“I love potatoes! They are delicious and so versatile. If only they could get me laid…”
-how vodka was born
I only sleep on one side of my bed because the clean laundry sleeps on the other.
My neighbor’s dogs are named Calvin and Klein. They’re boxers.
If your wife offers to cook you eggs and bacon at 3 in the morning, it’s not your wife and you’re at the Waffle House drunk again.
Shit, I missed Jesus’s birthday, didn’t I?