Home is where your toilet is.
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Do you think if I jump I’ll glide down?
-My 5yo, standing on the counter holding an umbrella, about to learn an important physics lesson
The fact that there ain’t no rest for the wicked is probably why I’m always so tired
WHAT DO WE WANT!!!
A cure for hangovers
WHEN DO WE WANT IT!!!
Please stop yelling
Y’all even ask cauliflower if they wanna be all these things?
When people start their sentence with the word ‘Listen’ I think maybe they don’t understand how conversations work.
keeping a picture of my bed in a locket around my neck and staring at it longingly on my lunch break
I thought about buying my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
Peter Pan’s favorite place to eat out is Wendy’s.
The three things Im grateful for:
1. Family
2. Friends
3. Caller ID to avoid family and friends.
nobody
literally nobody
my mom to our uber driver: so tell me all about yourself
It was a sad day when I discovered my Universal Remote Control did not, in fact, control the Universe. Not even remotely.
I bought the wrong kind of compass. Now I’m lost in the middle of nowhere drawing perfect circles.
inventor of the bow and arrow:
I will now demonstrate my exciting new technique for pointing at someone who is very very far away-OH NO
The inventor of the tampon liked it, so he put a string on it
waiting for halloween be like:
Mom, can I have another piece of pecan pie?
“You mean MAY, not CAN”
Ok, mom can I have another piece of pemay pie?
Daughter: Daddy, I want to reach out and touch a star
Me: Yeah, well, that would incinerate the both of us instantly so I don’t think so
People who give you their attention only when they’re lonely or bored…
No thank you.
I already have a cat.
Oh, you’re a rock fan? Name 3 rocks
Are dinosaurs finished evolving into birds yet? Or will they become even birdier?
‘Here Comes Honey Boo Boo’ is the reason I always donate money to Planned Parenthood.
me: oh it’s so nice out I think I’ll wear shorts and a tank top
*5000000 mosquitoes like this post*
COWORKER: Wanna come to my NYE party?!
ME: Aww… I would, but I already have plans.
MORGAN FREEMAN: He did not have plans.
Reasons I put my kids to bed on time:
3) They need their rest.
2) Routine is important.
1) “Game of Thrones” is on.
How about I get 100% off by already being there
No one has ever called me “daddy” in bed unless they had to throw up, pee, or wrecked a car.
I feel a bit deprived…….
Friend: Hi, How have you been?
Me: Why? What have you heard?
[Parisian restaurant, breakfast]
Me: I hear you do the best toasted Cheese & Ham here
Server: That’s a croque monsieur
M: Oh that’s a shame, I’ll have a croissant instead then please
A Goofy Movie gave me unrealistic expectations about what I could and couldn’t do with aerosol cheese
My son is sitting next to me here playing some kinda shooting game and complaining about people using aimbots.
As someone who’s cleaned his bathroom I wish he’d use them too.