[home late]
Where were you?
“Uh, with my.. gf?”
Gf? Well, tell us about her! What’s her name?
[commercial on tv] uh.. Lisa.. Brandnewtoyota
You Might Also Like
I’m so white I once said “imma bounce” at a party and then hopped away like a bunny rabbit.
I kept my whole house clean for three days. But then I felt like my kids had been locked in that closet long enough.
Glen, the spatula: *giggling* ok ok shhhh watch this
Me: *trying to open the drawer* what the-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ* dammit-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ*
The other Utensils: *going nuts* GLEN! GLEN! GLEN! GLEN!
*i walk over to a coworker who is singing along with a song on the radio, gently put my hand on their shoulder & whisper*
no
“I’d give that five minutes, if I were you.”
Me: ‘I just want to do something spontaneous.’
Combustion: ‘We’ll see.’
Team SnapChat: Merry Christmas!
Me (tear rolling down my cheek): they remembered
9am: *starts diet*
2pm: *injects KFC gravy intravenously*
I’m fairly certain that watching paint dry & waiting for a pot to boil take less time than anything a 3yo insists they will do without help.
accidentally called out my dentist’s name during my colonoscopy
God: It’s time to speed up the apocalypse.
Angel: But people are basically good. Give them a chance!
God: The Baby Shark people just released a “Wash Your Hands” song.
Angel: Never mind, go ahead.
Throw the donuts in a food dehydrator so you can fit more in your wallet.
If there’s a movie about Elon, I want him to be played by Kathy Bates.
I like to make lists. I also like to leave them laying on the kitchen counter and then guess what’s on the list while at the store. Fun game
It’s my mom’s personal mission in life to save me 20% on all my purchases by clipping out and giving me every coupon known to mankind.
Mom asked about a stock she’s owned for 20yrs called Amazon & I’ve mostly been telling her I love her & reminding her my brother never calls
[doctor’s office]
Me: My eye hurts.
Doctor: Okay. But first let’s have you step up on this scale so we can see how fat you are.
Unsolved mysteries are just mysteries
daughter: what are you making me for lunch?
wife: your dad’s making your lunch
daughter: did I do something wrong?
Me, sitting on the patio trying to enjoy a book.
Leaf blowers: ABSOLUTELY NOT.
I find that pregnant women stop asking me about my birthing story when I start describing the scene out of Alien
Daylight Saving Time switches on November 6. That’s right, this presidential campaign is an hour longer than you thought.
Said to my girlfriend that she had changed my life more that she will ever know. She became overwhelmed with emotion. I didn’t have the heart to tell her it was because she showed me a shortcut on Microsoft Excel which I now use daily
ME: I declare bankruptcy
CUSTOMS OFFICER: No just like stuff you bought in Mexico
The odds of Jesus coming a second time are about the same as those of ANY man coming a second time. #amirightladies
These people at the theater are looking at me like they’ve never seen a grown woman hugging a stuffed animal at a scary clown movie before
My gravestone will probably say: Oh yeah? Well you’re all dead to me too.
I knew my gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
Passed by a old school Math example today.
My favourite part of the Bible is when the little guy finally throws his ring into the volcano.