[home late]
Where were you?
“Uh, with my.. gf?”
Gf? Well, tell us about her! What’s her name?
[commercial on tv] uh.. Lisa.. Brandnewtoyota
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*Wandering the city*
Crap I have no idea where I’m at.
*Stops in a bar and gets drunk*
Okay NOW I recognize these buildings
Hockey: because running on knives makes sense.
Damn girl are you the sun because you need to stay 92,960,000 miles away from me.
#WhenYouAdoptAPet you’ll always be safe from cheese. #tailsofjoy
Doctor: Your son needs a kidney transplant
My mom: K, he NEEDS or he WANTS one?
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: *is asleep
Netflix: why are you like this
Victorian photographers like “Okay we have a two deceased relatives propped in chairs package or our popular one deceased, multiple poses plus family pet package. We can include coffins but the trend now is to have some fun capturing pics where it’s unclear who’s actually alive”
He refuses to bathe without the Melon
[standing next to the boss at the urinal]
Ok, don’t act weird.“That’s some impressive bladder volume, sir.”
day 1: we’re in this together babe.
day 47: i can hear you breathing.
Jesus “I will come back to judge the living and the dead”…. But until then, I’ll appear in dirty ceilings and toast”
[1st day working at appliance store]
CUSTOMER: How do I turn this dishwasher on?
ME: *leans in close and whispers* Foreplay
Everyone’s been asking me how I would improve shoes. Here is my answer:
Me: A friend sent me a truly amazing gif the other day.
Husband: Oh really?
Me: Yeah, it was……
Husband: Oh gods, don’t say it……
Me: The gif that keeps on giving.
*Husband leaves room.
if I am elected governor I will eat your pillow while you sleep and unlike my opponent I will also do it if I am not elected
The reason your car won’t go over 60 in the city is because you haven’t yelled “HOLD ON!” yet.
She told me she’d do anything for 20 bucks. Guess who just got his Mustang washed.
Do men still open car doors?
That 👊
You can take all the daylight you saved & stick it where the sun don’t shine.
I like to pretend that the dog follows me everywhere because she’s my biographer and not because she just wants food
I wipe my counters with raw chicken breasts because I refuse to have weak children.
If Adrian Peterson is getting indicted for spanking his kid with a stick my mom should get the electric chair.
mom: are u coming to ur uncle’s funeral
my brain: grant, be careful
me: sorry, I can’t make it
brain: careful
me: because
brain: easy
me: my uncle died
brain: oh ffs
I choose toothpaste NOT recommended by dentists… those sneaky tooth-fiddlers have a lot to gain from promoting one that doesn’t work.
God tier horse name today on the sims
Date: everything ok?
Me: yeah, sorry. I was just thinking about the death of my wife
Date: oh my gosh, I’m sorry. when was it?
Me: tonight if you play your cards right
“Boo!” — cow with a cold
Annoying coworker: “I just had a near death experience!”
Me: “Awww. Keep trying. You’ll get it next time, bud!”
“I’m Sorry”
And
“My Bad”Mean The Same Thing.
Unless You’re At A Funeral.