Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Motives for murder:

1. Jealousy
2. Sex
3. Greed
4. Snoring

I regret to inform you that I’ve had better lays from a bag of chips.

What was the main bloke called in Harry Potter

I don’t use extra virgin olive oil cause I want my food to have some experience

15 just texted me that she was on her period and needed a chocolate bar.

How absorbent could a chocolate bar even be?!

[Crime scene]

Detective: the victim was high af when he died.. you could say it was

*takes off sunglasses*

D: blunt force trauma

“Missed you.”
– a lover

“Missed you.”
– a sniper

Context is important.

me: more teeth

dentist: what

me: *recording video* no skimping now

Thinking that you’re on speaking terms with God is like finding out you’ve been playing both parts in an episode of “Catfish”

“I love you. I’d do anything for you.”

-let me see your phone real quick

“You’re smothering me. I need some space”

me: [struggling to think of things to talk about] “so what do you do for a living?”
barber: [slowly stops cutting my hair]

I forgot my glasses so I pointed to a random spot on the menu and now I’m hoping for the best

Rather than waste money on charity for the homeless, let’s invest in splicing their genes with snails so they always have their own shelter.

I don’t know the full history of US and Canada but somehow we’ve got joint custody of geese

Whoever said you can’t hurry love, never had kids knocking on the bedroom door.

My kids practically have medical degrees they’re at the nurse so much.

Hello, I’m a professor in a movie, I only reach the main point of my lecture right as class is ending. Then I yell at students about the reading / homework as they leave.

It’s fun to chant “Bloody Mary” three times into your car’s side mirror while driving at night and watch her jog to keep up

My teen is about to do some work experience set up by her 6th form college. The idea is to match students with jobs that reflect their skills/interests. My girl is deep into the arts – she loves music, art, photography, making stuff.

Her allocated job? Gravestone maintenance

Me: Hi. I can’t take your call right now but please leave a message.

CW: I’m standing right in front of yo…

Me: BEEEEEEEEEEEEP

Ordered new coats for my kids and for convenience I had them shipped directly to their school’s lost and found section

surgeon: this man has a broken leg

horse surgeon intern: oh no

surgeon: which we can easily fix

horse surgeon intern: wait which we can what?

Sometimes, I just want to be taken seriously. And sometimes, I just want to be taken, seriously.

If anyone asks I got this cardigan from a vending machine

Why cant a bike stand on it’s own?

It’s two tired.

if u hear ur roommate using ur beard trimmer in the bathroom but they come out and look exactly the same u should buy a new beard trimmer

If self driving cars are the thing of the future could you imagine how that’s going to change the repossession game? Imagine missing a payment and your Subaru just starts backing itself down the driveway.

Tell me your best thing today. Mine was I went to see ‘The Meg’ at the cinemas and this jerk kept kicking my chair. So I got up halfway through the movie, sat down in the empty chair behind him and kicked his chair until the end of the credits. 10/10, would pay $20 to do it again

The order the Star Wars movies are being released is based on the order in which Yoda would count from one to nine.