Homebuyers tip: Bring a little ball to the open house and place it on the floor. If it rolls on its own, then either the house is not level (bad) or the spirit of a young child haunts the property (depends).
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Let’s hear it for the staff in this branch of Maplin, still able to crack funnies ahead of their store’s impending closure …
I find it funny when an actor starts off a movie doing an accent and then it mysteriously disappears like their paycheck just cleared
[stabucks]
barista: can i get a name?me: sure. you look like a Tiffany
barista: no i mean a name for the order
me: oh! we’ll call this “coffee from Tiffany”
Barista: can I get a name?
Me: sure, you can be “ugly coffee maker man”
Barista: no for you
Me: I’ll be “handsome coffee drinker guy”
I have 12 days until I have to change my password at work and can’tuse any of the last 15 passwords I have used, long story short, I’m going to need a new job.
Me: New rule, if you leave the dinner table without saying “Excuse me,” we will assume you’re done and I will eat the remaining fries right off your plate.
9yo: should we tell 5yo once she gets back to the table?
Me: (speaking through a mouthful of 5yo’s fries) nah
5 year old: can you breathe on the moon?
me: no, there’s no oxygen
5 year old: what if you had an oxygen tank?
me: then yes
5 year old: what if the oxygen tank was empty?
me: then no
5 year old: what if you refilled it with oxygen?
me: is someone paying you to do this?
Man, those guys in the Cialis commercial sure are charmed by their wives’ approximations of human behavior
I like my men like I like my books; easy to read and waiting for me in bed. … And does the dishes. Ok this isn’t working
Dear guy backing into that tiny parking space.
You’re not Jason Bourne. You don’t need a rapid egress contingency plan for Costco.
Him: let’s play a game of rhyme. I’ll go first. Romantic
Me: Panic
Him: Fun
Me: Run
Him: love
Me: shove
Him: this isn’t going well.
Me: hell
There are certain people who assume that I’m intelligent.
These people aren’t aware that I cannot tear off perforated paper.
can’t wait for this corona thing to blow over and I can stop washing my hands again
I told my therapist that I’m a whore. He disagreed and said I’m a people pleaser, so I blew him just to make sure we’re on the same page.
Parenting doesn’t prepare you for the awkward glances you get when a naked Ken doll falls out of your briefcase.
get her what she really wants this holiday season (a large quantity of potatoes prepared several different ways)
*stops next to punks at red light*
*stares them down, turns up The Walking Dead opening music*
*light turns green, slowly accelerates*
the three stages of a woman’s life:
– the chosen one
– the mother
– solving crimes in the village
15000 CCTVs 2b installed in Delhi 4r Obama’s visit.
This is ridiculous. Just because he’s black doesnt mean he’ll steal anything. Racists!
Gluten free pizza is like a roller coaster that just goes straight.
Do you ever feel like you’re a terrible person? I do. I feel like you’re a terrible person.
Not that anybody asked, but the Irresistible Force beats the Immovable Object — every time.
I like my women like I like my coffee, passed through the digestive system of a cat
I can’t decide whether or not I should do laundry or just buy another hamper.
Stop saying I’m crazy. You’re starting to sound like the waffle iron.
Made a playlist for your weekend hike
Do people who bring bikes on the subway know about riding bikes?
I was eating BBQ ribs and my waitress asked me if I wanted a wet nap…
…I told her it wasn’t necessary because I had one earlier today.
If you can’t hide the evidence, pretend to be part of an accident
BELLHOP: May I take care of your bags?
ME: Of course!
BELLHOP: [gently applies seven layers of concealer under my eyes]