Homebuyers tip: Bring a little ball to the open house and place it on the floor. If it rolls on its own, then either the house is not level (bad) or the spirit of a young child haunts the property (depends).
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I admire the audacity of beavers, they just move to a new area and say “screw the neighbors, imma put a lake here”
I like my women like I like my coffee, passed through the digestive system of a cat
Your email signature says “best regards” mine says “alrighty then” we are not the same.
On more than one occasion I’ve canceled plans because I was too full of calzone.
Planning on buying my daughter a Volvo so she’s safe but with a mismatched door so she gets the struggle.
“Gary give me the gun”
“I thought you had it”
“I TOLD you to bring it”
“I didn’t”
“who brought the getaway car?”
-Disorganized crime
We named our cat Ginger, because it’s the name our toddler insisted on him having and wouldn’t take no for an answer. For a quiet life, we just went with it. Our cat is black. It confuses people, the vet included.
my only hobby is seeing how close i can get to squirrels before they run away
tall people make me nervous. what the hell are you doing up there? stop eating the leaves off that tree
My boss got hit by a car while I was on my way to the wishing well so yes, I do have some spare change.
No I don’t carry “a” grudge. I carry like 20 grudges and keep about 50 more in storage to sort through later.
when people your age have their shit together and you have no idea what you’re doing
Beautiful day in Ohio. Went out for a run but I was back home in a couple of minutes because I forgot something. I forgot that I’m old and fat and can’t run for more than two minutes. if that.
there’s literally no way to know for sure how many chameleons are chillin in your house right now
The afternoons I spent on my hair.
Franz Kafka, 1912.
911: what’s your emergency
Me: I can’t find my lizard
911: do you have any details
Me: *holding tail* that’s how I lost it
“One for me, and one for the person I love most,” I say, grabbing myself two beers from the fridge.
Just remembered this meme I made back in May of 2020.
My kids tell me I drink too much.
It’s funny they don’t make the connection.
Gave our gerbil a piece of kale from the garden. Now it’s complaining about gluten and begging for its own little pair of Uggs.
NETFLIX: are your kids still watching?
ME: [clicks Continue Raising My Children]
HR: Did you call an employee stupid?
Me: No, I asked if he knew he was stupid.
I’ve been training my family to be future Survivor contestants. If you can find food in my house, you can make it anywhere.
I literally just used the flashlight on my phone to search under the couch for my phone if you ladies are looking for someone with all their ducks in a row
Due to a shortage of coloured paper, I am having to dismantle all my origami animals. I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
How to determine what party to vote for:
1) Calculate income
2) Divide by number of dependents
3) Subtract age
4) Download Game of War
Panty-less waxed woman hanging off a bridge “I’m gonna jump into that canoe”. Me: “No that’s your reflection”.
I have a Polish friend who is a roadie for a band.
I have a Czech one too. A Czech one too. Czech one too.
Where do rainbows go when they’re bad?
Prism. It’s a light sentence
The umbrella was going to be called brella, but the inventor hesitated.