Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Quarantine Day 21: Turns out I don’t hate my coworkers as much as I thought I did.

Google Maps places way too much faith in my ability to find my destination on my left in 800ft

My son’s superpower is to turn 1 cracker into 10 lbs of crumbs

6-year-old: Where did the tornado go?

Me: Don’t worry. It’s gone.

6: To where?

Me: It just disappeared

6: Isn’t that a little bit fishy?

My wife’s late for work because I unplugged her alarm so I could charge my phone. She’s mad, but at least I can tell you guys about it.

My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.

Someone’s just thrown a bottle of Omega 3 tablets at me. I only received super fish oil injuries, but still.

Dog barking like an angry baby, baby crying like an angry dog.

You don’t scare me, you’re not my kid noticing her sibling got a bigger slice of cake.

[goes up to girl after symphony concert] Hey girl, you sounded real good tonight. I’m a huge fan of the…*looks at her clarinet*…e-cig.

The key to office success is to only have one of two things out on your desk at any time, things you’re working on or things that make you look busy.

[being buttered]

Me: are you sure about this

Murderer: [stops buttering] you know what I brought the wrong knife

Shake what your momma gave ya!

*shakes old decorative wreath*

(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)

assessor: sexual orientation?
me: as in if i were to have sex which way would i be facing?

So we asked papa johns to write a joke on our pizza

Me: I can’t believe I’m only discovering Fleetwood Mac now.

Girlfriend: I’ve heard Rumours

Me: No, it’s true Sandra. They’re an actual band.

[home late]
Where were you?
“Uh, with my.. gf?”
Gf? Well, tell us about her! What’s her name?
[commercial on tv] uh.. Lisa.. Brandnewtoyota

I could never be a serial killer. There’s far too much cleaning.

Me: Ok I’m just gonna lay down for like 15 minutes.
[11 Days later]
Oh no

If I ever have an out of body experience, when it’s over I’m gonna be like “Umm, do I have to go back to my original body? I kinda like that younger one with better hair over there.”

Came home to find our Roomba had gone rogue, stolen our bath mat and crashed into a wall, before giving up and dying

quite the party

Bouncer: ID please
Me: I got socks for Christmas
Bouncer: …okay
Me: and I’m genuinely happy about it
Bouncer: so sorry come on in

channeling her this year

[humane society]
Me: Hi, I’d like one medium sized dog please.
Vet: That’s not—
Me: Oops, I’m sorry. One “grande” dog please.

On average, a person has sex 86 times a year. Apparently, this is going to be one hell of a week.

[Awards ceremony]
“And winner of ‘The Most Unusual Name of the Year’ goes to… drum roll please…”

Drumroll Please: “Thanks so much!”

ROBBER: [looking through a drawer]

ME: [coming downstairs with a hockey stick]

ROBBER: [putting hands up] I’ll leave please don’t hurt me-

ME: Oh my god please don’t tell my wife I’m going to play 2 am hockey

I just want to be rich enough that I don’t have to watch DIY videos on YouTube every time something in my house breaks.

wife: how many beers is that for you?

me: yep