Homeless guy at the car wash just said I have beautiful eyes….So don’t play wit me
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me: [arguing] oh so I’m too bossy?
girlfriend: I think I need a break
me: [checks clipboard] says here you already had one today
Bad enough that literally no one showed up for my Super Bowl party today, but now I can’t even find the game on tv to watch.
Fun Fact:
If you flick your wife’s nipple really hard while she’s sleeping, it’s extremely funny … for about 3 seconds.
Not sure if you’ll like golf? Walk on a treadmill for four hours under a sun lamp then throw away $75 when you’re done.
I really hope that I look like the mirror version of me and not the camera version.
weighted blankets are not enough. hit me with a shovel
🤣🤣💀
robber: gimme your money
me: don’t hurt me i take care of my declining parents
my dad: [from inside the car] don’t believe his lies
taking lessons in close up magic so when my kids are teenagers I can “impress” all their friends
Ex (trying to make me jealous): I’m going to a party, everyone’s drinking, laughing, and having fun!
Me: that’ll all stop once you show up
I was gonna complain about THE GODDAMN JACKHAMMERING THAT WOKE ME UP THIS AM
but it’s noon.
-I heard this dog was chipped.
-Microchipped sir.
-I don’t care how small the chip is, I’m not paying full price.
I’ve been dating a girl online who I think might be a Catfish. Every time I try to meet, her excuse is that she “can’t survive on dry land.”
(watching the shower scene in Psycho) I’d kill for that water pressure
Sure, I’d take a bullet for you, but how does robbing an ammunition store prove my love?
Dressing up as the grim reaper while at work in the ER is not amusing says HR. So uptight.
How to make infinite energy.
*burst into doctor’s office*
ME: I’m no longer canstopetid
DOCTOR: You mean constipated
ME: No I’ve had a vowel movement
DOCTOR: Get out
if i was a character in a horror movie and something supernatural was happening i wouldn’t be scared because that stuff isn’t real
Me: It’s such a nice day, I’m going to sit outside, read, listen to music, and have a couple of beers
*Neighbors dog stands at fence and barks for five minutes straight*
Me: You’re right, pooch. I should go to a bar, stimulate the local economy, and hijack the TouchTunes.
Naked and Afraid. But it’s just me using the shower at my gym.
[any baby is born]
society: first thing we gotta do is teach it animal sounds
[Before the post office was invented]
SOME GUY: I need someone to deliver an important document
PIGEON: *simply existing*
SOME GUY: You seem trustworthy
8yo: “I’ve put my tooth in my room but I’m not saying where – it is to see if the tooth fairy is real or not” – this shit just got real
My son came home from golfing & took the longest nap. When he woke up, he said, “I took a total Dad nap. I’m going to make the best Dad!”
Something tells me his future wife will not agree with this.
Engaged couples should register for two of everything so it’s easier to divide stuff when they divorce.
Still disappointed that a goblet is just a cup and not a miniature goblin.
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
So, this morning I went into the garage and noticed the attic was wide open. We don’t use it and it’s a heavy panel, so I was freaked out already but trying to play it cool for my kid.
But tell me why my 5yo stared straight into the darkness and said “a man lives there.”