Homeless guy at the car wash just said I have beautiful eyes….So don’t play wit me
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Her: (Sigh) How did you burn the Thanksgiving Turkey?
Me: I followed the directions. 20 minutes a pound at 325 degrees. I weigh 175 pounds!
I only drink Smart Water now.
I think it’s really helping my…
my head thinking thingie.
DATING TIP: OFFER THEM WATER. PUT 2 STRAWS IN.
ROMANTIC WATER.
Electric eels imply the existence of Acoustic eels
[product design]
CEO: I want our dry grocery items to have built-in Ziploc closures
me: OK should they be easy to open?
CEO: absolutely not
To parents entertaining kids during social distancing and quarantine: IF YOU KEEP THEM ALIVE THAT IS SUFFICIENT. Don’t feel guilty if you’re not enriching their souls, teaching them kumihimo & sign language & engaging their spirits. Toss them some fish sticks; they’ll be fine.
Be nice or I’ll put you in my novel and won’t change your name
Parenting is mostly just informing kids how many more minutes they have of something.
kinda feel like the bridge overreacted
*at the gym*
Trainor: Have a donut.
Me: Wow! Sure!
T: Here’s some pizza.
M: What kind of trainer are you?
T: I’m a Megan Trainor.
Well…my morning coffee finally kicked in at about 8:37 p.m.
Toddler: *crying bc it isn’t her turn with the princess crown*
Me: Sweetie, you need to share
Husband: Just give her the crown, you’re 35
My daughter asked if we can just pretend she’s being well behaved and tbh I think it might be easier for both of us
this recipe says red onions are too spicy for salad
they should make living room pits with couches in them again. you’re walking. not paying attention. you fall. now you’re chilling. no embarrassment just leisure.
To tell the difference between an African and an Indian elephant, you look at its ears, then lift one up and shout “WHERE ARE YOU FROM M8?”
30% of parenting is just asking,
“Why is this wet?”
DATE: I want to date someone that loves the ocean
MY BRAIN: say you like swimming
MY MOUTH: the Titanic was an inside job
Single and childfree like Jesus
Why aren’t marriage prevention hotlines a thing?
How do I tell Instagram I don’t want to see guys almost eaten by gators?
I’m currently in between meals and not very happy about it
Starbucks Manager: I wish I could contact my dead grandma somehow
Me: I can put you in touch with a medium
Starbucks Manager: A what
“Let’s take a couple dozen over-stimulated children and give them enough sugar to kill an elephant.” – inventor of the birthday party
A guy gets hit on the head by a falling soda can. But he’s allright.
Guess he was lucky
*puts on sunglasses*
It was a soft drink
#FFFC
me when my kids won’t try their food: you might like it
me when my kids want to try my food: you won’t like it
Them: HOW COULD YOU BE SO STUPID?
Me: To be fair, I’m probably not the best person to ask.
They should make a drug that recreates the feeling of having your number called earlier than you expected at the DMV.
da Vinci would have 35 million followers and be constantly referred to as an influencer