homeless guy: change?
me (a werewolf): funny you should ask ….
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One day I’m gonna go to work without my glasses and they’re gonna be like, “Who’s that hottie?” and I’m gonna be like, “WHO IS SAYING THAT?”
Preparing myself for a post apocalyptic wasteland by learning how to sleep without the TV on
Me: Eat your vegetables. They make you smarter.
3-year-old: *hands me a carrot* You need this more than I do.
I’m the CEO of Boeing and I’ve been screwing up the planes on purpose. People were never meant to fly and I got tired of waiting for the gods to punish humanity for its hubris.
If you hide 48 eggs and tell your kids there are 50 you can get a little nap in.
I’ll take the cash and buy my own pizza, thanks
Do I have a girlfriend!? Are you kidding me? DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH TOILET PAPER THOSE THINGS USE!?
Flight Attendant: Sir, you need to put your iPhone in airplane mode.
Me: We’ve been cleared for takeoff for twenty minutes. You need to put this airplane in airplane mode.
Guys, you don’t have to be a priest to shoot a baby with a water pistol. Literally anyone can do it.
I’m not saying she’s a tease, I’m just saying she’s like a weather forecast for a beautiful weekend on a Wednesday…
Doc this part of my evaluation where it says psychotic, can you change it to madcap?
I’ve had my heart broken before, but I got back up on that horse and said “C’mon, can’t we give us one more chance? Stomp once for yes.”
New mom looking at a photo of their newborn: Isn’t my baby the most beautiful creature ever to exist?!
Same mom looking at same photo a decade later: Why didn’t anyone tell me my baby looked like gollum?!
” Let me be perfectly clear” – My Aquarium
I’ve never met a pizza I didn’t want to get personal with.
This story is comedy gold 😂
“Wanna go camping?” “No thanks, I have a house.”
[first day at pet store]
me: you want this boxed?
her: you can’t box a goldfish
me: [lacing up gloves] watch me
I’ve said it before. If Clifford was a Big Red Cat, everyone would be dead.
Where did you come from, where did you go?
Where did you come from
maybe ancient civilizations wouldn’t have died out if they’d built regular buildings instead of these dumb ruins
What I say: Maybe.
What my kid hears: Yes. Definitely yes. Pinky promise. Blood oath. It was written in the stars 11 billion years ago.
Frankenstein was 90% about someone making up a guy and then getting mad at him
7: *walks into the house, holding $20 in one hand & keys in the other
Me: What kind of sales pitch did you use on your PaPa to get that?
7: I need $20 and your car keys.
My friends are measuring the alcohol while making drinks. I need new friends.
DON DRAPER: These Simpsons, they’re yellow?
ROGER STERLING: As the day is long.
DON: And the boy?
ROGER: Bart, lotta triangles on his head. (puts out cigarette) Sister, too.
Can I ask you a question without you getting mad?
-People who are about to piss you off
me at 20: i’ll do anything.
me at 46: this drive thru has too tight of a turn radius.
When it’s ok to bother me before my morning coffee:
1- I’m on fire
2- You’re on fire
3- The coffee maker is on fire
4- Something had frickin’ well better be on fire