homeless guy said “hey there pretty lady, show me that smile, where’s that smile?” and I said “it’s at my house”
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The Facebook emojis are stages of dating-marriage-divorce
Dr: I’m giving u a proton-pump inhibitor
Me: LIKE A GHOSTBUSTER?
D: No for acid reflu *sees tears welling in my eyes* yes for busting ghosts
My favorite way of establishing dominance is to spend hours cleaning my entire room and then say “sorry it’s so messy” when people come in
I found your tweet-up…
[Parker Brothers Meeting: 1903]
Boss: We need a tedious game that will last for hours & tear families apart.
And Monopoly was born.
[ cooking class ]
teacher: first, we’re going to sweat the onions
me: *uncomfortably close to cutting board* where were you on the night of june 22nd
Sorry but if these walls could talk I’m pretty sure they’d talk about wall things and not whatever scandal you’re blowing out of proportion.
One man’s trash is another man’s why the f*** is your trash in my yard.
GF: So we just wanted to say we’re engaged!
HER DAD [looks at me] you should have asked me first
ME: You’re not really my type though
I asked my kid if his room was clean and that little shit cackled and asked Alexa if it was “Stupid Question Day”
My favorite part about talking to my teens is when they give me direct eye contact, listen intently, nod understandingly and then take out their AirPods when I finish and say, huh?
Police Sketch Artist: How about now?
Me: Look I already told you, the fruit bowl is nice for perspective, but I wasn’t mugged by a naked guy
*primitive gungans defeat battle droids*
*Stone Age ewoks beat elite stormtroopers*
*improbable underdog story defeats logic and reason*
I’ll defend my wife in any situation, and if we ever see a killer clown I hope she can run as fast as me.
TOP STORY: Do websites create articles with lists and arbitrary numbers to get you to click through? Here are 15 examples you wont believe
I was on a first date last night and temperature by sean paul came on. how do you keep your cool in that situation? I didn’t. made eye contact with one other dude who saw the shoulder shimmy and gave me a nod which felt validating honestly
Nothing sexier than when a man pulls you close, looks deep into your eyes, and puts a Babybel in your mouth.
me as a parent
Handing over my ID at the post office.
The clerk said “You’ve aged quite a bit since this photo was taken.”
I said “Yes, I had it taken just before I joined this queue.”
Dogs: I could vomit on the vinyl floor but this carpet two inches to the right seems better
My OnlyFangs is just me snapping my teeth at the camera and biting someone occasionally.
I just found a Macklemore CD in a Thrift Shop and the Universe imploded.
“On your 1st day, find the biggest guy, and punch him in the face to show you’re in charge.”
– my advice to new teachers
No one is more unnecessarily confident than a white person that just ordered Mexican food in a Spanish accent.
*Goes to the gym. Takes a selfie in front of the weights. Leaves.
Not saying I’m impatient, but I do appreciate a murder in the first chapter.
Why doesn’t Popeye’s serve spinach?
[breakup]
Who should get the cat?
“I don’t know…let’s see who he loves the most”
{3 weeks later}
Can you tell?
“Nope”
I live in constant fear that my kid will become a famous artist or painter and I will have thrown out about a trillion dollars of her work