homeless guy said “hey there pretty lady, show me that smile, where’s that smile?” and I said “it’s at my house”
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Ever since I learned the show is called Suits because of lawsuits and not because they wear suits, I have harbored a hot white rage within me beyond anything mankind has ever known.
I loved Saint Patrick’s day in Boston it was like if everyone got a concussion during the purge. One year I lost my keys in a pub and a guy gave me one of his keys to make me feel better
Tried sneaking downstairs to get a beer but at my age it’s like walking thru a forest covered in dry twigs.
pete davidson is the goofiest person to be mad at bro it’s like having beef with spongebob
I find it most unfair that the dentist in this neighborhood hands out toothbrushes for Halloween but the pharmacist doesn’t hand out drugs.
“You want a BOOTH?!”
“I think I’m entitled to the BOOTH!”
“YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE BOOTH!!!”
~angry exchange at the Applebee’s hostess stand
Sometimes I feel like I’m cheating on my recliner with my loveseat, in case you were wondering how emotionally invested I am in laziness.
*in a fight with Humpty Dumpty*
“You don’t scare me, I eat eggs like you for breakfast”
Got booted from the rest stop bathroom for tickling everyone’s ankles
I gave up going to work for lent.
Spielberg missed a great opportunity when he didn’t put FIN at the end of Jaws.
Welcome to Applebee’s! Can I take your order or do you need a few minutes to reflect on the mistakes you made in life that led you here?
My reaction to most music that has been released in the last ten years is “what did they just say?”
Women’s skincare is so confusing am I supposed to look shiny and sweaty or matte like cement
Just wrote “58008” on my calculator app and when I turned it upside-down, it auto-orientated back to the right way up.
I hate the future.
astronaut: we made it. we’re finally on mars
mission control: congratulations! now, the main reason for this trip: do you see any signs of-
astronaut: *sighs* no, no signs of candy bars
mission control: shit
One beautiful tradition in my mother’s culture is that if someone is sick,
the neighbours won’t hesitate to bring over food and help with errands,
but I can’t help but wonder when they will start getting suspicious over the fact that we’ve had the flu for 7 months now…
I asked 10 how school was. “We did first aid training and now I’m qualified to kill someone then bring them back to life”. If you need me I’ll be hiding from my 10yo
STAGES OF WORKING FROM HOME
– Yay I get to work from home
– It would be nice to talk to people
– I hope that pigeon sits in the window today
Jehovahs Witnesses: do you have time to talk about our lord and savior?
Me: of course! please come in!
[door slams shut and locks]
[lights dim]
[my PowerPoint presentation begins]Me: but first I wanna tell you about a timeshare opportunity!!!
Not to brag, but in school I was voted “Most Likely to Cling to Past Achievements”
Me: I feel like I’m wearing this bathing suit wrong
Store clerk: Thats a dream catcher
It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas (I have dandruff)
Me: [stuffs sock down trousers before date]
Date: Wow your knee is huge
White girl frustrated in the 1700’s:
“I shan’t even”
cover letters are so embarrassing. why am i writing a love letter to this email job
screaming into balloons for an extra surprise when the kids pop them
One of my children is crying because we don’t have a third floor in our house.
We also don’t have a second floor.
looking for new reply guys.. mine are sleeping on the job
y’all, I lost my passport two years ago and have been using the same PDF scan as a substitute ever since.
this is where I found it today
