[homeless guy walks up to me at the park]
“what are you doing inside my house?”
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My dog does such a good job we have never been attacked by a UPS truck.
Not to brag, but my husband and I are crushing it—we haven’t had a single fight all year.
If E.T. is making your bicycle fly through the sky, why do you still have to pedal?
My kid announced he’s counting to Infinity. It’s been five minutes and he’s on 39. Send help.
“I got in a fight at Michaels over glitter glue once, so you should probably step aside.”
-Me, to a guy buying the last of my favorite wine
It’s too bad my sister wasn’t kinder to me in middle school.
**orders nephew a bullhorn for Christmas**
WILL SMITH SLAPPED CHRIS ROCK??????
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
Lost my first follower today. Funeral is Tuesday. Will be live tweeting. It’s what he would have wanted.
everyone make a new friend so you don’t get assigned to David
Me: I can’t live like this anymore, I need to start eating healthier.
Also Me: I couldn’t decide between nuggets or a burger so I got both.
Ok so all of our kids get excuse notes for school tomorrow whether in person or online right?
“I’m sorry I’m late, my parents were drinking stuff and yelling at the TV all night”
*phone rings*
Girlfriend: Hello.
Me: Hi, baby.
GF: Aw, what a nice surprise!
M: I just realized I forgot to say goodbye & I love you this morning.
GF: No, you told me.
M:
GF: You’re talking about the dogs, aren’t you?
M: Are they available?
The first matador
Cakes!
– the sequel to the cake I had earlier.
A girl at the gym waved at me so I waved back. as it turned out she wasn’t waving at me
so now I’m gonna incorporate the hand wave into my exercising routine until she leaves
APOLLO: I’ll be god of the sun
HERMES: OK I’ll take light-
A: I’m also light
ARTEMIS: I’ll take music
A: No I’m also music. That’s me too
a murderer snaps my neck but my body just slowly starts to turn neon green
If at first you don’t succeed, it’s called ‘Attempted’ Murder.
Ah yes time to come home and have a nice nutritious meal called “37 crackers”
Safari is a fancy word for voluntarily putting yourself at the bottom of the food chain
Waiter: hi I’m Dave and I’ll be taking care of you
Me: I’ve been hurt before, dave
88% of the lies parents tell their kids are that the store was out of the snack that they forgot to buy.
[being chased through the woods by a murderer]
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS IS HAPPENINGMurderer: What?
Me *showing him my Fitbit* I’ve done 10,000 steps
Murderer: omg lemme check mine
My kid: You know what I’m thinking??
Me: [sigh] If I say yes, do you still have to tell me?
Just ate the last slice of pizza and I wish there was more. Suddenly all of Taylor Swifts songs make sense to me.
Who would have thought that eating 4 cans of beans would backfire like this?
Eh wah eh wah eh wah eh wah joget joget joget joget joget gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek lembek lembek lembek embek lembek lembek