[homeless guy walks up to me at the park]
“what are you doing inside my house?”
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Being my friend is great because I will probably make you a lasagna at some point but terrible because I will make you listen to a five hour Spotify playlist
They don’t seem to abduct humans like they used to; looks like we are not the only planet with government science-funding budget cuts. Sad.
It’s not that he liked big butts; it’s that he could not lie. THAT’S why Sir Mix-a-Lot deserved his knighthood.
Normal stickers: I peel off easy.
Stickers on things you buy: lol stop it that tickles.
me: [holding knife] ok i’m not gonna cry this time
onion: hey remember the end of that movie about the dog
Wonder how long it’ll take for my pregnant friend to realize that the list of baby name ideas I’m giving her are all just types of lettuce?
[leaving for vacation]
Me: Do we have everything?
Kids: Yes!
Me: Let’s go!
[5 min up road]
Son: Dad, where’s mommy?
Me: *makes u-turn*
When improv teams ask for suggestions, I like to yell “Learn a trade before your father cuts you off financially!”
My son asked to read one of my scripts three weeks ago. Still hasn’t read it. I can’t believe I’m raising a studio executive.
Drop it! Please, just DROP IT.
– My dog, whenever I’m eating.
[ first date ]
her: i like a man who plans financially for the future
me: i swallowed $9.13 this morning that i won’t be able to spend until later
Four Worst Feelings Ever:
4. Losing your job
3. Romantic break up
2. Death of a loved one
1. Needing to pee when you’re stuck in traffic
WAITER: Ready to order?
ME: First, I’d like to hear the chef’s special
WAITER: Oh yes he’s very special
[chef in background sheds a tear]
It sucks you can’t google something happening in your life. What does my neighbor Derek do for work
Welcome to “I HEARD THE CAT PUKE BUT DON’T KNOW WHERE” the game where your eyes try to find it before your feet do.
I saw my ex getting beaten up by half a dozen thugs.
For a second, I thought, “Should I help?”
Then I thought, “No…6 should be enough.”
They sent a cardboard detective to investigate.
The most exercise I get from my exercise ball is when I move it around in my apartment so that it’s not in my way.
It never felt more springy than that time I got drunk and slept on my neighbours trampoline.
im an adult! i make my own bedtimes! i’ll stay up all night and function at a fraction of my capacity! like a giant grown-up lethargic baby!
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 715
What do you call a person that is happy on a Monday?
Unemployed
What idiot called it “leaving right after sex” and not “nuts and bolts”?
[to the realtor showing me a property on sesame street] wait is that a vampire
my life is ruined
i wish to live no morenever mind i found the remote.
If I hadn’t heard these words my entire life, “nooks and crannies” would sound like slurs
olympians only bite their medals because they are curious. they are not trying to to eat them. they just use their mouths to investigate objects like sharks
Why spend money on graduate school when my mom can give you the third degree for free
GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: An ostrich.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a runnin’ bird.
ANGEL: I think you need a break dude
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.