Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Scooby Doo taught me that if you smoke enough pot, your dog will talk and help you get snacks.

biggest issues with Australia?
✅ no late afternoon coffee
✅ footwear
✅ lack of nukes

*brings elephant to knife fight
*nobody talks about it

Imagine the conversations between
the fly on the wall and the elephant
in the room after everyone leaves.

Me: [watching news]
Child: Why do you watch the news?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child: I asked-
Me: I’M THINKING

iPods will never teach kids to be ready to jump over sofas to push the “Rec” button on the tape deck when your song comes on.

I get Botox so my face won’t show people what I really think.

[babysitting]
Ok well sorry I threw all your kid’s toys into the ocean but maybe next time be more clear if you suggest we have a tea party

On an afternoon walk, a handsome stranger hands you a note. It says “By the time you read this, I will already be petting your dog.” You look down. It’s true.

You’re not an Asshole. That’s too much credit for you. You’re an Asshalf.

“My desires are… unconventional.”

“Show me.”

*opens door to a room full of memes*

wife: [talking & making baby noises at cat]
me: you must be bored af
wife: no I’m not
me: I was talking to the cat

Blood’s thicker than water, so remember to pull back on the flour a bit when you substitute it into your baking.

just discovered the true meaning of family and it turns out to be noun, a group of people related to each other by blood or marriage 😭😭

Prime Day landing on the same day I get my period?
I need a bigger cart

Waiting for toast to toast takes forever unless you walk away for 10 seconds, then it burns

“I want that fable on my desk, AESOP!”

Morning my dudes.

* kids arguing loudly about which one of them is my favorite *

– dog & I exchange knowing glances and wink as I slip him another treat

CNN just wondered if I’m sending disasters to punish you for your sins. No, I’m sending them to punish you for CNN.

Furniture salesperson: Do you see anything you like?
Waldo: Actually yes this red and white couch is quite nice.

I feel like it’s customary to lose a meatball out of your sub when you’re wearing your favorite shirt.

My gf thought it was so cute when she found out I owned a pair of tap shoes

Until I got drunk, and put them on

Captain America: ok Avengers, we can defeat Ultron if we work as a team. Remember, no man is an island
Island Man: oh come on not this again

I tried to contact Joan Rivers through my ouija board, and a message came back: “If I wasn’t already dead, your outfit would’ve killed me”.

me [an australian]: man i could kill for a caramello koala right now

american friend: that’s not a real candy

me: or some yowie bungas

american: what

me: dropbear gobstoppers

american: no

me: cassowary chewies

american: please stop

me: sugar-coated funnel web spiders

I don’t usually post things like this on here but,

My Mom is in the ICU with the Coronavirus and she’s not doing well.

I’m devestated. She is one of the most important people in my life.

So if any of you could spare some prayers or good thoughts, It would mean the world to me.

Wife said I should talk to the kids about drugs so I told them how faking a back injury would usually get you some Vicodin.

[sees girl reading To Kill A Mockingbird]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] kills all those frickin birds.”

[me as an uber driver]

yeah I have a degree but this way I can also make crying in my car profitable