Homeless man: Change please
Me: sorry dude I don’t have any money on me
Homeless man: No, change…That outfit is hideous

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Good thing Brazil won…otherwise I’m pretty sure they would’ve just cancelled the rest of the World Cup.


White people be callin their grandparents peepee and poopoo


Just yelled “F, YOU GUYS!” to my students.

Another perk of being a music teacher…


Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: Could a drunk person do this? *I just piss my pants*
Cop: WOW. Yes actually.
Me: That was supposed to be a backflip


Somebody said “hey wanna eat this apple” and I said “no thanks I ate a PC for lunch”


[killer enters home in middle of night]
ME: Who goes there?
ME: What
KILLER: Who still says “Who goes there”
ME: Ok laugh it up


Enough with the false promises. If you turn on your left signal, you turn left. I don’t care if it was a mistake. You’re turning left now.


When I was at the beach there was a guy in the ocean yelling, “Shark! Help!” And I just laughed. I knew that shark wasn’t going to help him.