Does your life really flash before your eyes or is it just your brain closing all open tabs one last time
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Me: The worst thing about quarantine is that I’m running low on hot sauce.
BFF: Why you lying?
“I see you’re going somewhere. Guess I’ll walk right in front of you.”
— kids, pets, spouses
Kid next door asked if I could help him with his math homework, I said sure kid right after we play hide and seek, I’ll hide first.
Friendly but loud reminder to NOT FEED STALE DUCKS TO BREAD k
[deathbed]
Son….come closer
“Yes dad?”
We need a new man of the house
“I’d-”
*presses fake mustache into his hands*
Give this to your sister
Are iPads supposed to be red with two white knobs on the bottom?
You blow one bubble and suddenly all the other bubbles are talking about you.
Having to share a room with your spouse is absolute nonsense. Even kids get their own rooms…
To make up for all the junk I ate over the weekend, I plan to run 86 miles today.
The downside of having friends who love sarcasm and irony is that when we make plans I’m never entirely sure we really made plans.
Wife told me she’d been “really getting into animal security camera videos” recently and I had her show me one to see what she meant. You’ll need sound:
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
i hate it when Darth Vader puts eggs in my mailbox and then rides away on a kids tricycle
My 4yo pretended she was a hired cleaner yesterday as. As she helped me clean she asked if I had any kids. After telling her about my 2 I asked if she had any of her own. Turns out she has 5 kids and has been married to a man named Carlin for 30 years. You think you know someone.
Dear Starbucks:
The pumpkins called. Even they think it’s too early.
Someone call or text my husband and tell him that dinner at Applebee’s is not a “night out on the town.”
Do men still open car doors?
That 👊
Married With Children is a hilarious sitcom until you’re 35 and realise it’s a chilling documentary.
We’ve been so worried about my 95-y-o grandmother at a retirement home in New Orleans and she called today to say they ran out of Tito’s vodka and could we ship her some.
If a snake ate a cake
having children is great because just when you’re on the brink of insanity from overstimulation one of them will launch into an hour long educational session on pokemon
Me: You should do that sexy thing you did a few weeks ago more often.
Her: When I was dancing in my panties?
Me: No…Cooking
Fall, when my kids clean the yard by bringing ALL the leaves into the house
I guess cinco de mustard didn’t have the same ring to it
[Eating canned soup]
OMG I love sodium.
Me: Guh! Say it. Don’t spray it
Firefighter: That’s not… that’s not how using a fire hose to save your burning home is supposed to work…
Bars reopening but you have to wear a mask? Ugly people, this is OUR time!
[6 months after the pandemic ends]
Me: Oh, so THAT’s how you unmute yourself on Zoom.
🤣🤣🤣
my kid wanted me to play but i was tired so i told her to make a friend so she drew a face on a balloon and named him green greevy and now i have to get him snacks too and thats how i got played by a four year old