@LaziestCanine

Homeless man: Change please
Me: sorry dude I don’t have any money on me
Homeless man: No, change…That outfit is hideous

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@BAnderson_30

Good thing Brazil won…otherwise I’m pretty sure they would’ve just cancelled the rest of the World Cup.

@avaxnj

White people be callin their grandparents peepee and poopoo

@lisaxy424

Just yelled “F, YOU GUYS!” to my students.

Another perk of being a music teacher…

@EndhooS

Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: Could a drunk person do this? *I just piss my pants*
Cop: WOW. Yes actually.
Me: That was supposed to be a backflip

@codyspencer0

Somebody said “hey wanna eat this apple” and I said “no thanks I ate a PC for lunch”

@tastefactory

[killer enters home in middle of night]
ME: Who goes there?
KILLER: Haha
ME: What
KILLER: Who still says “Who goes there”
ME: Ok laugh it up

@LoveNLunchmeat

Enough with the false promises. If you turn on your left signal, you turn left. I don’t care if it was a mistake. You’re turning left now.

@N0pantz

When I was at the beach there was a guy in the ocean yelling, “Shark! Help!” And I just laughed. I knew that shark wasn’t going to help him.