Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
-trying to put on my distressed denim jeans

me: if reality is a simulation then why is it so cruel

also me: i wonder if i can drown this sim in a pot of spaghetti

I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.

The problem w marriage is communication. When I said I hoped he’d go down in a plane I meant more crash & burn, less on the flight attendant

That’s me, I’m the coroner,
That’s me with the sharp knife,
Removing all your organs.

Goat cheese is for herders.

[intercom]
Please stop putting clown shoes on the sacrificial goat. The ritual is in 3 days & the other cults aren’t taking us seriously.

I pretend to be asleep then I actually fell asleep.
Now I’ll pretend I’m skinny.

[restaurant]

me: may I clear your plates?
customer: thanks
me: *sits down to finish their fries*

I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.

Are “authorities” ever not ” baffled?”

Justice is a dish best served cold.

If it were served warm, it would be justwater.

Me: *enters 3-45 into Excel*

Excel: Ah, yes you must mean March 45th

It finally happened, someone filming for their man on the street interview tiktok series at washington square park accidentally approached another person there trying to film a man on the street interview tiktok series

[i light up my epi pen and take a long drag] peanut allergy? i haven’t heard that name in years

t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t

~ just dotting some i’s and crossing some t’s.

[watching Canadian Geese slowly walk across the street]

Me: ya know you can fly !

slapping people across the face with a glove and challenging them to a duel is a good way to end an argument at work.

I don’t get treadmills, I mean if I walk I better reach somewhere.

Tearfully waving out the train window as my girlfriend runs alongside

*45 minutes later*

She’s still keeping pace. It’s inhuman. Everyone on the train is screaming. I’m begging her to stop but she can’t hear me. Her eyes are pure white. Police helicopters circle overhead

We’ve all heard the peanut butter debate, but what about mayo? Smooth or Crunchy?

Your Honor, these 52 selfies on my clients phone at the precise moment of the crime prove that my client can only be guilty of narcissism.

I represented criminals before I switched to divorce law. Not one accused murderer or drug dealer ever scared me more than the soccer mom who just found out her husband is cheating on her with the PTA Vice President.

My dad is at it again

My toddler was babbling a mile a minute first thing this morning and my 4yo said, ‘I’m going to need pancakes if I’m going to listen to you,’ so he’s my stress management coach now.

I have a tenuous grasp on the English language. Shakespeare? That dude’s grasp on the English language was, like… twelveuous.

Vodka giveth and vodka taketh away…

It giveth me a hangover and taketh away my underpants.

Amen.

Like shark attacks on humans, it’s actually extremely rare. The majority of antique, porcelain headed dolls aren’t interested in murdering people.

Years ago I tried on my sister’s bra, couldn’t undo the clasp & was too embarrassed to ask for help. I’m still wearing it. I live in shame.

[Shark Tank]
Me: [holding tiny top] It’s called Blouses For Mouses™

CEO: The plural of mouse is mice.

M: Ok, Blice for Mice™ then whatever