Homeless people are so lucky. They don’t have to pay rent and can eat as many pigeons as they want.
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them: our youngest is 73 months.
me: what’s that in human people years
If you think someone has put a hex on you, Venmo me $800 and I’ll get rid of it.
They say as your kids get older they get more likeable but that can’t be true because my parents still don’t like me
If I could be Barbie, I wouldn’t care about having Ken, the dream house,or the Corvette. I’d just like being tall so I could reach everything.
The secret to making a good egg is the way you ap-poach it.
*a man in the audience has a stroke and dies from being so angry at this joke*
I adopted a rock.
He just sits there and does nothing all day.
It still beats raising Kylo.
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
While never officially canonized by a Pope, Saint Patrick is widely recognized as the patron saint of Slytherin.
I tried to spell perseverance but I gave up in the end
WIFE: You overreact to everything!
ME: [phones police]
My nephew, who’s about to turn 9, has asked for only one thing for his birthday: a clown ventriloquist puppet. In other news, I told my sister I’m no longer available for babysitting
I’m just a girl, with a baseball bat, smashing my internet modem into a gazillion pieces.
“are you drunk?”
– everyone’s response when i send a nice text
“I bring you news from the front, m’lord. Food bowls are empty, litter boxes are full, and the natives are getting restless.”
“Dude, this is so awesome, I can use my $300 smart phone as a flashlight”.
– Why we’ll be speaking Chinese in 50 years.
Did we ever get rid of that ozone layer or are we still worried about that
boss: can i see you in my office
me: [sheathing sword] why
I’m thru spelling thru “through.”
Enough is enuf.
“Why have a ballroom, with no Balls?”
-Disney’s Frozen
I paused the movie to tweet this…
I enter the wrestling ring in jeans and a tshirt. My opponent’s confidence sinks as she sees me biting into an ice cream cone with my teeth. Clearly I am crazy.
When sewing, always remember pattern placement is key.
When life gives you lemons, worship the elder Gods. Take candy from a baby. Drink from a trough of blood. Who cares? None of this matters
The lengths my ex will go to in order to make me jealous are astounding. Like getting married and having a kid. IT’S NOT WORKING, JANET
Just think, there is coming an entire generation of idiots who will wonder: “Why did they have a hashtag button on landline phones?”
The only thing more annoying than vegans who won’t shut up about being vegan is people who aren’t vegan who won’t shut up about vegans
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
[You’re at Gwyneth Paltrow’s house and the power goes out]
NO. DEAR GOD, NO!
Hulu’s like I see you paused your show with 4 minutes left, would be a shame if someone were to…restart it from the beginning
I wish I had the confidence of someone who would let themselves be tattooed in a place they can’t see.