Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[1st date]

HER: I’m such a nerd! I love when a guy talks sciency

HIM: Oh haha [to waiter] A salad with umm *sweating* kilo-island dressing

I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?

It’s been 22 years. I think they can’t find me.

Yesterday we got a puppy and my kids are so smitten that they’ve cut down their screen time enormously by 5%

I think polyamory will become a common thing, but not because of a social movement or an influencer. Because of inflation.

A cute guy at work wants to take you to dinner? Fantastic, that saves me like a hundred bucks. Bring back leftovers!

Me(being handcuffed): Oh, now it’s illegal to throw a house warming party?

Cop: For the last time, it’s called arson.

Someone sat down next to me in a crowded waiting room and started clicking her pen.

Tune in to your local news at 5 to see what happened next.

the statue of liberty was a trojan horse thing but it was too hard to break out of and it’s full of skeletons now

My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy…so I came back drunk.

I don’t go to Starbucks very often. It’s intimidating. I never know how to order. Last time I ended up with a cup of hot dog water.

When my goldfish starts acting like a jerk I remind him that his bowl is microwave-safe

The Others (2001)

Friend: Take more chances in life.

Me: I wonder who would notice the missing mini fridge first, the hotel cleaning staff or the next guest?

I like washing dishes by hand because it relaxes my mind, plus you can use the steak knives to play Wolverine.

From now on when a friend says she’s on her way I’m asking her to drop a pin

AT&T sent me a text apologizing for their service outage. I sent them a text thanking them for making it impossible for people to call me.

Relationships: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job.

Me: I need to go for a run to clear my head.

Also me, 500 feet down the road: OK that’s clear enough.

I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.

*a snake wearing one skinny jean*

doctor: do u smoke?

me: no

doctor: mmhmm *writes in my file*

me: [nervously] is…is that bad?

I once walked out of a movie because the actor’s fake typing was so bad.

Febreeze works just like in the commercials, only instead of being impressed, mom comes home and says “it still smells like pot in here.”

*at store*

Random guy: Do you have the time?

Me: 6:30.

Random guy: Thanks. I lost my watch and I have no idea where I put the dang —

Me: Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. We’re done here.

Kung fu movie idea:

She’s 72 years old and has 24 cats. For decades, she’s been absorbing cat kung fu from watching them.

When the landlord tries to wrongfully evict everyone in her building, they must face the wrath of

KUNG FU CAT LADY

With AI we’ve designed an entity that will eventually destroy us but right now we’re just like hey “can you write a poem for my gf?”

Watched my neighbor pull off this morning with his coffee on top of his car.

I could have warned him, but I’m out of stuff to watch.

Halloween costumes

Age 10: monster

Age 25: sexy fireman

Age 35: sexy mobilization to end systematic oppression of underrepresented groups

Therapist: How’s your narcissism?

Much better I thin…*sees my ex walking by* [opens window] HOW ARE YOU STILL ALIVE I BROKE UP WITH YOU!”

Someone put the toilet paper roll on backwards and I’m furious and also I live alone

(Family Reunion)

Me: …and the real loud guy who keeps talking with his mouth full?

Wife: That’s Murray…He’s my cousin once removed.

Me: Any chance we can remove him again?