Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The plural of beer is beer, which is very convenient when you are explaining to your wife why you were late coming home from work.

My pappy died in the sea. Not even his old chum could save him. In fact, that’s exactly what brought the sharks in the first place

I need a device that connects to other cars Bluetooth so I can yell “WHY CAN’T YOU DRIVE” through their speakers

Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years

Me: punching a goose in its mouth

Interviewer: you know actually we’ve already filled the position

Me: *clenches fist* was it a goose

When people try to debate me online I’m just going to suggest they read a book I make up and that doesn’t exist

I used to be an atheist until my 8YO started asking for help with her math homework

When I first started dating my wife she asked me what some of my dreams were. I told her one was about a T-Rex who didn’t get a job because he couldn’t tie a tie.

She meant goals

My kid’s high school did a random search of all the lockers today and guess who’s teenager stood in front of her locker and yelled, “SHOW ME THE WARRANT!!”

Sometimes I deliberately forget to use dryer sheets so my husband can go to work with my panties stuck to his shirt.

I have decided to keep my uncomfortable home office chair

This encourages me to spend less time in it

Carol from Facebook said she’s “taking it one day at a time,” so I responded “me too. That’s how days work.”

CLICK HERE TO SUPPORT BREAST CANCER
“okay” *click*
WHY ARE YOU SUPPORTING BREAST CANCER U MONSTER
“oh no”
[mom from other room] WTF KYLE

My walk of shame is putting back the 9 boxes of assorted cereals that my wife found in the grocery cart.

We’re not staying up to see in the New Year, we’re staying up to make absolutely certain that the old year is dead. Bring weapons.

Dr: We need you to come back for additional blood work…
Me: Why, is something wrong?!
Dr: Yes. Your blood sample was mostly champagne…

As soon as they heard the flush, my phone interview took a drastic turn.

God: You’re beautiful. Aren’t you?

Peacock: Yes. Thanks for creating me.

God: *Starts giggling*

Peacock: What’s so funny, god? Why are you laughing?

God: you’re called peacock. *Bursts into laugh*

Peacock: WHAT THE FFUU..

God: And you cant speak.

[Incoherent bird noise]

*first date*

her: I can suck a golf ball through a garden hose

me: I like the sound of that

her: mmmmm oh do you now.

me: yes, I have two young kids. any chance you could suck a ham and cheese sandwich out of a dvd player?

[taking pregnant wife to hospital ER]

Me: Help! My wife’s having contradictions!

Dr: Don’t you mean contractions?

Wife: Never say never

I enjoy a good short stor

if you cant handle me at my “bit by a radioactive lobster” u dont deserve me at my “using lobster powers to help u gain custody of your son”

Whenever somebody says “it is what it is” I reply with “and it’s not what it’s not” so they’ll realize just how stupid they sounded

I’d probably start exercising if it didn’t require moving around so much.

Netflix subtitles be like [Speaking Spanish]
bro you gonna translate it or??

burglar tip: do NOT steal the clear freezer gemstones they’ll melt in ur pockets & make it look like u peed urself all ur friends will laugh

Baked beans are like regular beans except they can’t stop laughing, love munchies and sleep on your couch.

If life was fair, salad would cause weight gain, and we’d have to eat a lot of chocolate to lose it all back.

Sure I feel bad for Marty McFly having to take his mum to the dance so his parents meet, but poor John Connor had to send his mate back in time to bang his mum or he wouldn’t have been born

Don’t “pshhh” me, you stupid bus.

To anyone who hates the idea of sequels, remember that there were 181 Blinks before we got the good one.