<—- homeless romantic
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My friend used a fancy new charcoal soap and now she looks sketchy.
Shoutout to coughing on the bus. Haven’t tried it myself but seems really popular
🤣😂
Me: how many bears do you think we could fight as a family
Wife: none you idiot
Me: oh
*growling from closet*
Wife: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE??
“Said no one ever.” -Said everyone on Twitter.
Him: How’d you get so cute?
Me: I-I-my gosh, I really don’t know. I’m not very good at biology.
A group of toddlers is called a migraine
Boss: I don’t want to be disturbed today.
Me: I don’t want to be disturbed either yet here we are.
Grammar. The difference between feeling your nuts, and feeling you’re nuts.
[eating a foot long sub]
*spits out tiny periscope*
Singing happy birthday when masked is no longer permitted until we determine who was beatboxing.
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m getting a little worried about my cake.
There’s been a terrible misunderstanding.
It seems that monkey is the root of all evil.
[Baseball game]
ME: [giggle] I love how they named the positions in the game after the bases of sex
HIM: What? No, baseball came first
ME: ok I’m pretty sure sex came before baseball
I’m like the hottest girl on this elevator.
Never mind, someone else just got on.
Me: I have a toothache
WebMD: Your dad is the Zodiac killer
If you don’t fall in love with me, I’ll write poetry about you and then you’ll regret it.
Eggs Benedict are delicious if you don’t mind having a breakfast that’s also spying on you.
Cowboy: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us
ME: I’ll be staying indoors almost all the time
Cowboy: ok cool
[vet pulls me aside] have you been teaching your cat martial arts
me: you mean purrate?
*1st day in hell*
Devil: So you just sit in this room and people give you gifts
Me: Oh nice
Devil: And you have to react to each one
Me: NO
One time I said “might be the alternator” when the car didn’t start because I actually don’t know anything about cars. Anyway I was quickly exposed by my wife who said “pretty sure it’s because you’re using the house key”.
*praying for world peace*
God:
Robin: “Please?”
Batman: “No.”
“It’s prom!”
“You can’t drive the Batmobile!”
Alfred: “Can I? It’s Bingo night.”
Batman: *tosses keys*
Schrödinger’s wife: Have you seen the cat?
Schrödinger: I have good news and bad news
El Chapo is a murderous Mexican drug lord. El Chapo Supreme is a murderous Mexican drug lord with sour cream, lettuce and tomato.
“I’m going to lay right here in the doorway and give people a dumb look as they trip over me.”- Damned dog…. Could’ve been me though.
casting spells in the morning: I use my amulet
casting spells in the afternoon: I use my pmulet
Being a parent of 1 kid: I don’t know who I trust to babysit my child.
Being a parent of 2 feral toddlers: [summons Bloody Mary]
Finally shaved my armpits and found the factory reset button