<—- homeless romantic
You Might Also Like
No One:
No One’s Date: Are you always this quiet?
Leave ‘em wanting more. That’s what I always
[first date]
Date: So what do you do for a living?
Jesus: I’m a carpenter but my real passion is hosting self-help seminars.
When did we start calling shirts “tops?” Was shirt too hard for ya?
I respect every moose for having two giant high-fives growing out of his head.
I always tell my kids that it’s ok to make mistakes just as long as you learn how to blame them on other people.
“I’ve recently come into some money.”
*winks and hands over the few dollars I made at my garage sale to the bank teller to deposit into my account*
when someone tries to make you take a photo facing the sun bc it’s good lighting
Listening to a friend tell me about her deep and meaningful dream knowing last night I dreamed I found a cave cricket in my nose.
OLD MAN: I fought in WWII
ME: Oh yeah? What was your kill:death ratio
OLD MAN: what
ME: Can you rocket jump?
OLD MAN: I wish Hitler had won
I’m ready to talk trash, okay who recycles?
One of the best examples of someone posing a question that they already know the answer to is the WeightWatchers website asking me if I accept cookies.
America: Japanese ads are extremely weird
Also America: *airs commercials about toilet paper obsessed bears that are constantly shitting*
me: before you hire me, you should know i take things
interviewer: like what?
me: time and care
interviewer: oh haha
me: also xanax, company money, and two-hour morning shits
her: i hate when people overanalyze everything in movies
me: [slowly concealing my notebook filled with inconsistencies and plot holes in the toy story saga] lol yeah me too
Oh, you’re an early riser?
Yes.
Have kids?
No.
A farm?
No.
Insomnia?
No.
Medical condition?
No.
Psycho.
I’m my own boyfriend when it comes to farts
[ first date ]
her: i want a partner that can open my heart
me: well i am a surge-
her: and never do anything to shock me
me: protector
STOP PUTTING DIARRHOEA MEDICATION ON THE BOTTOM SHELF
Playing horsey, but it’s just my 2yo granddaughter riding my last nerve.
Want to leave a lasting impression? Show up three hours late for a first date.
He’s like the ocean
Deep and dirty
Hubs and I have fought so much lately I’ve lost 10 lbs. I thought about leaving him, but I’d like to lose another 10 lbs first.
Pictures of dogs playing poker are amusing, but before you hang one on your wall just consider the feelings of inadequacy that your own, non-cardsharp pooch may feel when she sees it.
Friend: I can’t sleep.
Me: Have you tried putting your phone down?
Friend: Then how will I complain that I can’t sleep?
Men at the supermarket are like fish in an aquarium. Silent, with no recollection of how or why they got there.
China spy balloon:
“We’re trying to contact you about your car’s extended warranty.”
With the rise in grocery prices my cashier now asks if I’m ready before giving me the total, the answer is always no but I appreciate his sensitivity
“You know…”
[takes drag of cigarette]
“That energy bar is full of sugar”
[exhales]